Aaron C. Bennett's Writing Journal

Empty House

I know this is a writing journal, but sometimes life beats so hard on our writing life that the two can't help but merge into a horrid beast of reality. I came home after school today to find half of my house cleaned out. Things have been bumpy, so I guess I shouldn't be too surprised. Still, today it feels permanent. For the last three and a half years, Erica has been my companion, my best friend, confidant, lover, wife, and so much more. A big part of me still loves her. That other chunk still has no idea how to feel. I really wish I could make myself feel, well, something. It feels empty. Perhaps the fights have run their course and both of us have had enough. I feel like Anne of a Thousand Days. I wonder what my one perfect day was. The day after her suicidal tendencies and mental breakdowns, before my getting fed up, and eventually mad. There must have been one day in there where we both loved each other, where both of us were equally happy. I wish I would have paid more attention, I would have made that day last forever. The day when our hopes and dreams didn't clash their brassy helmets together. The day when just staying in each other's arms was enough. When the whole world floated away and all I cared about was those eyes that mirrored love in their dark glassy pupils. Many of the little quirks that would have driven me mad if it was someone else, with her they were made the very things I loved.
I've put myself into my novel, perhaps too much so. That which doesn't kill us makes us stronger. It also makes us cynical and bitter. I miss the simple joys of life. I've been examining my descisions. What would have happened if I hadn't fallen in the Nagano trials? What if I would have joined the Air Force Academy? What if I would have taken that skiing scholarship? What if I hadn't given up robotics to pursue writing? What if I had gone to Carnegie Mellon in the first place? What if I never played rugby? What if I had dated more, would I have married someone else? What if I wasn't born deaf? What if I had a bigger body? What if I had gone to Wayne State instead of Seton Hill? So many descisions we make through the course of our lives. All affect our future. From the woman we choose to marry, to what we eat for lunch. Who knows what would have happened in the butterfly effect of life. Some things we choose, some are chosen for us. I wish I could play God in life like I can in fiction. Life has no happy ending.