Poetry 9
Just a little poem I wrote on one of my sleepless nights.
Suffer
Her name forever pressed
so tightly to my lips… It makes me
so damn angry, to remember her like this.
She wasn’t just a pretty girl, though
her figure haunts me still… She was no
perfect summer day; she gave me icy chills.
She was something else, you see…
Something I still hate. But even as I
spat the word, I cherished it, irate.
Loved her then, it’s what I did,
and that which I still do.
If only I could understand
why I still hate her too, then
perhaps I could forget it all,
give my shredded heart to you.
Yet, she whispers, in my sleep…
She haunts me in my dreams.
“Suffer, love,” she cooes, and then
my heart breaks at the seams.
Comments
Just came across this poem, Chris. Lots of potential here - it begs more detail. "Pretty girl," "perfect summer day," "haunting figure," are words that your mind can picture clearly, but leave the reader without an image. Also, I'd love to know what the "something else" is.
The second stanza is great - very clear imagery. I can hear her cooing and watch the heart breaking at the seams. Details like that involve the reader at a more personal level and they can establish a direct connection with the poem. Try to keep writing like that. Exploring the sublime is different. However, vagueness and ambiguity don't work too well with poetry.
Posted by: Neha | November 30, 2004 8:35 AM
Thanks for all of your comments, everyone. I'm glad you like my work... I think I'm going through my own little modernist movement lately. Usually I write about fantasy stuff that no one really seems to understand.
Oh, and Lori... I may or may not have a crush, but either way, she couldn't be the subject of this poem. You can take my word for that.
Posted by: ChrisU | November 30, 2004 12:27 AM
If you were to pay attention, EVAN, you would see that the "you" in his poem is fine as is.
Heh, very nice, Chris.
Posted by: Valerie | November 29, 2004 9:49 PM
Grammatical comments aside *ahem Even. haha*, wonderful poem. I'm not a big poetry fan either, so that's saying a lot. Good work and I hope to see more.
Posted by: Vanessa | November 29, 2004 9:13 PM
2:45 am? Sleepless id say, dearest, sometimes, i think you have a wee little crush on someone, or are these just random images? Either way, i think you are a decent writer, and have guts to publish your writing on your own blog, many lack this bit of courage, although Amanda, Karissa,Tiffany, and myself have all done so, as well as Puff, not sure if you know him, but nonetheless, keep up the good work.
Posted by: Lori | November 29, 2004 7:12 PM
Nice poem.
Just a few quick comments...
"...give my shredded heart to you."
Who is "you?"
I would take the elipsis out of "still..."
"you see"
Seems to be unnecessary, words just placed to make the meter (I forget if there is a term for that???)
It is very hard to avoid cliches in a love poem and I think you dodged them well.
To keep consistency, though, I would say "'tearing' at the seams" instead of breaking since the speaker alluded to a "shredded heart."
Posted by: Evan | November 29, 2004 5:34 PM