Short Story: Timeless
This is a short story that I originally wrote for a literature course, which I recently revised. I was trying to experiment with a focus on irony and symbolism throughout this story, rather than realistic, highly-detailed characters. Any constructive criticism is more than welcome.
Timeless
He could hear her breathing. Her chest rose and fell with the rhythm of a deep, dreamless sleep. He crept a bit closer, peeling the silky sheets off of the bed with extreme care, revealing every inch of her bare body.
She was asleep. She was vulnerable.
His raptor gaze became lost in a moment of uncertainty. Could he really do this? Once she woke up, it would become difficult. She would not accept it willingly.
Her frail arms sought out a pillow and curled around it.
He felt a sudden surge of anger. He remembered all the times she had dissuaded him somehow, all the times she had managed to escape his intentions. This time he would do it, and he would not let compassion hold him back.
She stirred and her eyes fluttered open. She sat up against the headboard, apparently overlooking his presence in the darkness. She parted her lips, opened her mouth wide, and yawned sleepily.
That was when he made up his mind.
Her eyes adjusted to the absence of light almost instinctively, her gaze becoming frozen with fear as soon as she noticed him. She began to tremble.
“W-What are you doing here?” she whimpered.
“You know what I’m here for,” he replied coolly.
She was now fully awake, and sprang from the bed, still holding onto the covers. She slowly began to circle around him, staying close to the edges and corners of the room. He didn’t move towards her at first; he merely stood between her and the door.
As she neared one of the windows, however, he immediately bolted across the carpet. He stood dangerously close to her, his shadow seeming to swallow her whole in its embrace.
“Please, Dayton,” she gasped, clutching the sheets, keeping them wound tightly around her shapely form. “Please don’t…”
The young man’s unshaven face twisted into a scowl as he loomed over her. He suddenly lurched forward, gripping her arms with both hands and slamming her backwards against a wall of cold stone.
She cried out in pain as his nails dug into her unnaturally pale, smooth skin, nearly drawing blood.
“Ungh… L-Let go of me!” she squealed, squirming and struggling against his powerful arms. “Please, I beg you! Leave me alone!”
Dayton frowned in disgust, quickly snapping one of her weakened limbs with a forceful, fluid motion. He didn’t even blink as she screamed in agony, writhing back and forth as she tried to escape. Now that one of her arms was useless, he would have little trouble.
“Agh! No! Please, no!” she wailed as she felt his hand leave her broken arm and slide effortlessly across her chest, coming to rest over her heart. It nearly threatened to burst right out of her. She delivered a swift kick to his groin, only to be rewarded with even more pain as her foot connected with a hidden layer of solid iron plating.
“Not a very wise move, my love,” he hissed. “Stop fighting me. You know you can’t stop me; you are only making things worse.”
Her eyes seemed to plead with him, begging him for mercy.
"Please, don't do this," she whispered.
"I'm sorry, but you have left me no choice."
He pressed tightly against her, moving his hand to the middle of her chest in order to hold her steady. Her quivering gaze followed his other hand as it withdrew from her good arm, reaching for something at his waist. She wanted to move, to fight back, but she was already weak from exhaustion. She desperately tried to control her breathing, her mind frantically looking for a way to stall him.
But it was too late.
She felt a sudden pressure surge through her body, her mouth opening to let loose another scream, but it never reached her lips. Tears flooded her vision, distorting the image of the man who held her. He looked like he was splitting in half.
Dayton took a step back, releasing her, and watched, somehow satisfied, as she slumped to the floor. The once flawless curves of her hips shriveled up and her slick, sweaty breasts melted away as her entire body became nothing more than a violet vapor.
He struggled to hold back a flood of tears as he knelt down to collect the wooden stake he had used to slay her. He walked over to one of the nearby windows and thrust it open, allowing the mist to escape into the biting winds of the night.
Turning to survey the mess of sheets that remained on the bed, he sighed heavily and crossed the room to stand beside it. A thin candle resting on the nightstand flickered, and the dying flame atop the wick disappeared. It left behind a thin, wispy trail of smoke.
Perhaps now we can both rest in peace, he thought.
With that, he threw himself onto the mattress and stuffed a pillow beneath his head, quickly making his way into a dreamland where Anna was ready to greet him with a smile that bore no fangs.
Comments
I think I picked up the "ungh" and "agh" words from playing online roleplaying games; I agree that they are a little weird -- considering that I use the word "wail," I could probably just omit the "agh" altogether. The "ungh" could be replaced with a grunt, I think.
I actually prefer her repetitive stuttering, because it effectively shows -- rather than tells -- the reader that Anna is terrified of Dayton. I agree that it could have been overdone, but I don't think twice is too bad.
While showing rather than telling is nice and usually preferable, sometimes you can deliver a more forceful emotional blow to the reader if you simply deliver a fact in the story point blank -- which is why I chose to come right out and say that her arm was useless. I also made sure to tack on the "he would have little trouble" bit to try to send a chill up the spine, so to speak.
It's important to know what details to show, and which to tell, I think... For instance, if I would have just said "she was terrified of him," instead of having Anna stutter, the reader wouldn't really feel too emotional about the situation -- the word terrified (along with most of its synonyms) just isn't strong enough; however, by quickly telling the reader that her arm was useless, and then alluding to Dayton's supposedly sinister intent, the reader will most likely feel disgusted with him -- there is just enough information to get the reader's mind to wander, and imagine just what Dayton plans to do to her.
As for the irony, the most prominent is that while the reader probably assumes throughout most of the story that Dayton is evil, and that he plans to rape or murder Anna in cold blood, it is in fact the opposite. Anna is the creature of darkness and death (no matter how timid she may seem -- which gives a nice third dimension to the story, allowing some or even most readers to sympathize with her), and Dayton is a "hero" who frees her from her curse. Of course, some readers may feel differently, and that is the whole idea -- to try to get varied reactions to the story that bring out the beliefs and values of the reader.
I already pointed out some of the symbolism stuff in my last comment, so I won't spoil any more of that.
The sentence structure is easy enough to fix; it's just a matter of the placement of the clauses (most of my subordinate ones come at the end of the sentences, I noticed), and throwing in a few more subordinating conjunctions. As for the late appearance of the names, I don't think the story would really be enhanced if a bunch of the "he" and "she" pronouns were replaced with their names earlier on.
Thanks for all of your input, Karissa... It's appreciated, and I will definitely continue to work on improving this piece.
Posted by: ChrisU | July 28, 2005 12:28 PM
Something that struck me was the use of the spelled out groans like "Ungh" and "Agh." Perhaps use just one of these (since they occur relatively close to one another) and replace the other with a narrative. Having the girl squeal "Ungh" or wail "Agh" seems odd to me, but that's just a personal thing I think :-)
Maybe you should only have the vampire girl stutter once, since I think twice gets her signed up for speech therapy. And instead of declaring her arm useless, why not describe it and let the readers draw that conclusion on their own.
It flows nicely. Since I'm not that familiar with vampires and fantasy, I can't judge the irony and symbolism part (sorry). I think you can work on describing things more to give a better visual picture--that would probably help me to see where you're coming from. Last thing: experiment with some varied sentence structure. Many of your sentences are subject-verb, and mainly pronoun-noun since we don't learn names until the midpoint. Mixing structures would hold more attention for longer.
It's a revision, so it's progress! I liked the story, though! Good job, Chris.
Posted by: Karissa | July 28, 2005 10:56 AM
Thanks, MB.
I've always been fascinated with fantasy, especially vampires, so writing this was a real treat for me.
I think I did a good job of making the reader think a little, and perhaps even reread it, to get the most out of the story.
For instance, when Dayton is trying to decide whether or not to go through with his plan to kill her, it is only after Anna yawns that he gains the conviction needed -- because in that instant, she reveals her fangs, and reminds him of her dark nature. Dayton's name, too, reflects his role as a figure of light, destroying a vampire, or creature of darkness. There are a few other hidden things like that throughout the story, but I don't want to spoil them all, so I'll shut up now. ;)
Posted by: ChrisU | July 26, 2005 2:23 AM
Nice concept and twist.
If anything, I would shorten the dialogue of Dayton a bit toward the end. It would enhance the urgency of the scene.
It's a satisfying dark mix of reality and fantasy.
Posted by: Amanda | July 25, 2005 10:19 PM