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November 13, 2006

Job names: Custom made for an instant ego boost

I wrote these just to make everyone realize how self-absorbed we are with our daily roles. Lighten up, if you're not exciting (ridiculous) enough to make reality TV, that's means you're pretty normal. If you have any more I could add let me know. I don't want to leave anything out and I apologize profusely to anyone who thinks I'm being offensive. I'm sure your boss will be glad to remind there is no "I" in team if you whine to her about this.

(fill in the blank with your favorite ice cream concoction) technician:No joke, these people at an ice cream place have shirts that render them with the power of ice cream technicians, which will allow them to put gummy bears in your ice cream and put roses on Aunt Hilda's 80th birthday cake. Don't mess with 'em.

Child care attendants: These people have one of the hardest jobs (I'd be scared to do it). They sometimes wear pumpkin vests, have finger paint in their hair, carry juiceboxes in their fanny packs, and know how to remove any body fluid stain from "play clothes." Or we could just be downers and call them Super-good parents, but that would be too offensive.

Cart attendants: Those ones that wear the orange vests and make sure Grandma or Bicycle Bob don't try to take the carts home for their own personal usage. They also have free reign on that cool riding machine that picks up all the carts. You get extra points if you don't hit pedestrians with the carts!

Servers: They used to be called waiters. (yes, I am one, so I get extra technical points on this one). Now they do much more than just wait for people to make ridiculous food requests! They even have the ability to text their friends about how they want to go somewhere else to eat later, smoke cigarettes by the dumpster, and explain to people that they won't get some made-up obscure disease from eating the chicken or whatever the "bad food" is on the news. We're go-getters and we'll get you your 5th diet coke to go with your deep-fried oreos because you've had a hard day.

Sales rep: Not to be mixed up with the Sales Associate. That one who keeps calling you long-distance from a far-away land you can't pronounce that tells you you've won a vacation to Wisconsin but you have to pay for it by giving them your first born. They are especially effective when you are eating an extremely good dinner or trying to not be late for your own very important job. You hear the ring and you think, "What if someone kicked the bucket? By golly I'd better answer." This is there speciality that makes them even more important than the rest of us. For these are the time-keepers...


Sales Associates: They are the true disappearing artists. They are like locusts when they want to win a t-shirt for selling the most laxatives or ballpoint pens and always attack you when your broke. They can amazingly disappear as soon as you want to know where to find toilet paper or something you might actually need. If they are well trained they will spend hours to convince anyone that maroon spandex stirrup pants would be an awesome outfit for your mom's wedding. If they are the passive-aggressive types, they will just let you read their vest and nametag saying they want to help you and look extremely surprised if you say the name on the tag. They think you are spying on them. Paranoid, but handy.

Birthing partner: Isn't that the person who's hand you squeeze and ears you deafen if you are a woman screaming with labor pains? This is also the one who must scour the hospital for edible food ( or run to Starbucks and Sheetz ) to feed the Mama-to-be. This person is also required to be a stunt driver, funny breathing initiator, and birthing entertainment director (Mom wants tamborines and acrobats or maybe just some crossword puzzles if the kid doesn't want to come out right away). Maybe it's just my imagination, but while some people don't enjoy this job, but the ones that do sure love 'The Miracle of Birth!"


College Student: There are countless hybrids and breeds of these popping up daily. These scholarly figures attend lectures in pajamas, eat food that is especially crunchy when they're superiors are making important points, forget to separate laundry or fill up the gas tank, while still maintaining a decent GPA and playing other role of parents, kids, and friends at the same time! They set a precedent for older people struggling to relive their youth. They participate in events that involve strange rules, code words, or perhaps household items. They occupy the largest amounts of "important jobs" out there such as servers, sales associates, sales reps, and more as they struggle to be whatever it was they wanted to be when they grew up. Right now it could be philosophy/poli-sci/ double with a advertising/music teaching minor, but they just might run off to the desert and farm cactus for awhile to "study abroad" or "get my head together." Some can even write essays on Pizza Hut placemats, write lesson plans in crayon, or attach multiple bumper stickers to their cars. This super-special occupation has a huge-turnover rate and may involve Jack Daniel's, multiple Starbucks trips or simply "A people who like horses club" to take the edge off their stressful lives. We are the future, kinda scary.

Posted by ErinWaite at November 13, 2006 11:48 PM

Comments

Hey. Watch out! I was a shopping cart attendant!

It was a very mind-absorbing job (sarcasm). Teehee. It is ridiculous how seriously people take some of the most worthless jobs. People need to lighten up and become familiar with what most of mankind thinks of them as a member of society. I agree with you Erin. You are the messiah!

Posted by: Corey Struss at November 16, 2006 10:13 PM

Thanks, Corey! I hate when I see people from high school and they see me working my "important" job and they look at me like "Oh, so that's what your doing.." They just don't blog and go to SHU like we do. Oh, well I still think a job involving a walkie-talkie or at least a whistle would be kinda fun. I'm coming to check out your blog now...

Posted by: ErinWaite at November 17, 2006 02:35 PM

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