Love and Marriage
Several readers of my recent postings have asked where my romance with Helen Fisher is going. I’m not sure if they felt concern that I might have romantic longings for someone I’ve never met and whose picture I’ve only seen three times. But, we all know there is no accounting for the crazy twists and turns of love. Or, I don’t think that you can account for them. Maybe Helen thinks you can. Anyway, I think it will relieve you to learn that my “thing” for Helen Fisher seems to have faded away. On the other hand, as is often the case in romantic entanglements, I find myself drawn in another direction, toward another intellectual obsession. That’s right. I’m rebounding. There’s someone else.
After writing about romantic love for two weeks I thought I’d make an easy transition by writing this week about mental health and its apparent disappearance in modern times. As I was perusing the Psychology section at my local Barnes and Noble, looking for George Beard, American Nervousness (no luck) or even Thomas Szasz, The Myth of Mental Illness (ditto) I happened upon a book whose title proved irresistible. The book is Against Love: A Polemic (New York: Pantheon, 2003) by Laura Kipnis. I opened to the first chapter, whose first line is, “Will all the adulterers in the room please stand up.” (11) This, I knew, was a book that people would either love or hate. And right there I found myself falling for Laura. (I hope she doesn’t mind my first-naming her—I feel I already know her so well.)Download file
Against Love is a short book, but it is not slight in any other way. Although Laura writes with wit and verve, the work demands more of the reader than Why We Love. It deals with concepts that many readers won’t get right away unless they come to the book with some academic background. Laura references Marx, Freud, Weber and other big thinkers, and she knows the work of these writers (and many more) well enough to weave them into the pattern of her argument. If use of terms like “liberal democracy” and “superego” don’t frighten you (or slow you down), then you will enjoy the ride that Laura offers.
Or you will hate it. The reference to Marx above should have tipped you off. This book deals with bad things, like capitalism. Or, specifically, she digs into the consumer-driven model of capitalism that we all share in common these days. We are told by self-help writers and radio hosts that love requires attention, self-sacrifice, compromise, communication—in other words, work! But wait a minute, isn’t love supposed to be, you know, fun? Nothing, Laura writes on page 26, “in the historical or anthropological record indicates that our amorous predecessors were ‘working’ on their relationships.” Just as I pointed out during the last two weeks, Laura makes clear that only “relatively recently was marriage the expected venue for Eros or romantic love” and that the “presumptive object” would more likely have been someone else’s spouse than your own.
As I’ve pointed out before, during the 19th century middle class courtship became a romantic love boot camp. These courtships went on for years, usually, and during that time the couple had to maintain some sexual self-control while they were given more and more privacy to discuss their futures together. The situation gave itself over to longing and its epiphenomena, idealization. But romance made good sense, too. Marriages based on property lost out to sentiment as individuals became more mobile and wealth became more fluid. [Please note, then as now, people tend to marry within similar class and income lines (broadly conceived).] Passionate love probably became more necessary to separate young women from their mothers and the network of close female friends and family members. And as Karen Lystra has shown in Searching the Heart (New York: Oxford, 1989), middle-class women depended on their husbands for many decades after the nuptials. Putting their beaux through long, chaste courtships with sustained romantic avowals gave young women a chance to find out who could go the distance. It was during the 19th century, then, that love and marriage started going together like horse and carriage.
By the 20th century, at least by the 1920s, love and marriage had begun to go together like popular music, Ivory soap, Listerine, and RCA Victrolas—if you wanted to be a vital human being, you’d better have all of them. Love became one of the most important motivators that advertisers used to convince consumers to part with their hard earned cash. If you would like a more academic (though still well-written) treatment of this process, I recommend Eva Illouz, Consuming the Romantic Utopia: Love and the Cultural Contradictions of Capitalism (Berkeley: U California, 1997). Dating and romance both became associated with leisure (or luxury) commodities during the 1920s and 1930s, according to Illouz, and luxury cost then what it costs now--too much. The connection between romance and luxury, however, meant that love could turn into an advertising campaign for everything from dining to travel.
Laura takes this further than Eva, I think. Love has become the gateway to marriage where love can almost certainly not survive. If you are considering purchasing this book, I think you can justify the cost (whatever that is) just for the section that responds to the question, “What can’t you do because you’re in a couple?” It runs from pages 84 to 92. Marriage and other forms of monogamous coupledom inevitably serve up large helpings of boredom (at best) if not tension, anger, frustration, and contempt. No wonder Dr. Laura and Dr. Phil tell you to work. If you don’t work, if you don’t put all of your efforts into maintaining your relationship, then you are going to end up not liking your partner and probably not thinking well of yourself. Forget about love—you will feel lucky to have mutual respect and contentment. Laura calls adultery a “de facto referendum on the sustainability of monogamy.” (27)
So why are we so likely to marry? Laura provides a nice discussion of this, noting the “goons” that enforce our conformity to marriage. In short, though, love has been mobilized by liberal democracy to manufacture conformity to the social system and to consumer capitalism. Marriage keeps us deeply dissatisfied, ever ready to go shopping or to go into therapy. You may be reluctant to accept Laura’s cynicism or her theory of social control embedded in marriage. But you have to admit, that at every step of the journey from lovesmack to marriage therapy, someone stands to make a buck. Marriage, like capitalism, can be said to “work” as a set of natural relationships only if you ignore all of the effort put into maintaining it in full vigor. The hidden hand of the world economy keeps fixing fair prices only with the aid of GATT and the World Bank and U.S. hegemony. Marriage needs marital therapy and divorce just as much as the free market needs marketing.
Note: I meant to send this into the blogosphere before now, but, fortunately, I had a cup of tea and realized I’d better append at least another couple of paragraphs. The above might be taken as a mild indication that I am hostile to marriage, and even hostile to love. That isn’t quite true. Few things in life match the feeling of expansiveness and excitement that come with romantic passion (but, you shouldn’t need me to tell you that). It doesn’t need my recommendation or endorsement. In fact, the irresistibility of romance makes it the perfect shill for many things that are highly resistible, like cheap cologne, expensive restaurants, and reality TV.
And, whether we like it or not, love also guarantees that people will continue to marry. I think that’s fine, and that love, even romantic love, can be part of the package. But no one should expect it to be a permanent fixture. Partnerships of all kinds can make sense. Our divorce rate tells us that many marriages don’t work out, and non-marriage unions are even more likely to fail. Still, when a couple can share friendship, mutual support, and even intimacy, then you would have to consider that a success. If, after many years, the couple splits, that does not mean the entire relationship was flawed or wrong or anything of the sort.
Love and marriage may flow into each other, but they are different experiences. For almost all of us, marriage (or some kind of committed couplehood) will take up far more of our lives than romantic passion. If you try to reverse that equation, then you are playing with forces you do not want to tempt.