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December 15, 2007
Accepted
I'm officially a graduate student--I'll start at Indiana University of Pennsylvania in January. I'm pursuing an MA in teaching English to speakers of other languages (TESOL) as a stepping stone towards my goal of one day teaching English and writing at a university.
I just got my acceptance letter in the mail today. I've endured longer waits, with less-than-favorable results, so this seemed like much less anticipation for that very reason. I'm glad to know that I'm in. Now I can begin to plan for the semesters, and years, ahead.
I had already looked over the program requirements and course descriptions, but I reread everything. Not because I had to but because I could, I guess. It was different to read these things on printed paper, to hold them--stiff and newly folded--these things that someone sent to ME were right there in my hands. Somehow that moment made the whole thing real to me. I didn't go pick up the papers on my own; I wasn't reading it online. It was decided that these things should be sent to me as a gesture of welcoming and congratulations. Lifted off of me was a self-imposed weight of directionless discontent; in its place I felt a sense of pride warmly return to my shoulders. I've been holding my head a little higher, I guess.
It's not that I have been entirely upset with my situation--I didn't choose for things to take such sharp turns this summer, to leave me feeling hopeless and even jealous of friends who had more solid standings (when, in fact, months ago I was the one to be jealous of because I had an enviable full-time position upon graduation). I've just felt misdirected, like what I've been doing lately won't get me where I want to be. I've learned to enjoy freelancing for its unpredictability (this from the planner-gripped gal who has learned to live like mice and men). I will most likely continue writing and designing independently while I pursue my studies. It just feels so much better to know that my main goal is back on track and will be my main focus, not an afterthought like it's been lately as I attend to a decision.
After things fell apart this summer and I returned home I felt a sense of defeat. The most difficult thing to fight off, in my opinion, is the emptiness and yearning that result from defeat. I felt like I have been biding my time, waiting for something to pull me up to stand again. The energy and spirit that were so strong when I graduated--walking away from the University, diploma in hand, smile on my face, and tears in my eyes--felt bruised or battered or just broken. I've felt little bursts of warmth on occasion, usually when I'm writing something for a client, that remind me of what I love and what I want to do with that passion. Today is the first day in quite some time--since June or July, maybe, for those of you who knew how unhappy I was--that I have felt the re-ignition warm me and stay warm for longer than I can type. This isn't passion on-assignment. I've chosen it and it's chosen me. I'm warm again, feeling stronger, and it feels so good.
Posted by KarissaKilgore at December 15, 2007 9:45 PM
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Comments
Congratulations!
Posted by: Dennis G. Jerz at December 16, 2007 2:26 PM
Karissa, that is so wonderful! I'm so happy for you! I know you are going to rock it out as a grad student, just like you did as an undergrad!
Posted by: Diana Geleskie at December 19, 2007 1:50 PM
congrats Karissa, are you planning to be a TA or also a "GI-Joe" or are you strictly going to be a grad student?... my folklore adviser got her phD at Indiana... I was planning to go there for folklore but they didn't give me any financial aid... good luck with everything... sorry about your misadventures in harrisburg, and it's good that you're not giving up!
Posted by: mike d. at December 23, 2007 11:15 PM