I woke up feeling achy. Then my head hurt. I went to work anyway. I couldn't get warm. I cuddled into my sweater coat in my task chair with my space heater on full blast and coughed. A colleague commented that my cubicle felt like her car one time when she used her automatic starter and forgot her car was on--for like three hours.

The sign it's bad is when I can feel how warm my eyes are. Let that sink in for a minute. My past experience with fevers is that my eyes get so warm that there's a temperature difference between the eyeball and my eyelid. When I blink, the eyelid gets warmed and there's cooling sensation on my eye. When that happens, it's time to get the NyQuil.

In less than two weeks my thesis is due. I just figured out an alternative work schedule with my boss so I can work mostly half days next week... so I can come home and work on my thesis. This does me no good if I'm at half-strength!

I feel like I'm in a video game, looking for the 1UP, trying to avoid the bad guys. It's like I'm Mario in the original game and I just lost firepower when I'm about to face King Koopa. I'm a tiny little Mario with no extra lives (and no vacation time to speak of). I have to face the ultimate challenge despite it all.

I'm getting feedback on my thesis from my committee readers. It's exciting but terrifying. I'm worried about having enough time. I'm worried about not living up to my expectations (and expectations others have of me). I meet with my students on Saturday for the first time. (Long story why it took so long. Not my fault.) I'm still working every day next week because I have a huge (and hugely important) project due on the 19th...

I have a multi-ended candle (perhaps a dodecahedron) and I'm burning it at all ends...

So here I lay--laptop on top of every blanket I own, on top of me, tucked into bed. I'm still not warm, but maybe the NyQuil will kick in soon and I'll have a spectacular solid night's sleep. (I've been getting 6-7 every night! Sleep is the one thing I don't cut... even though I forgot to eat dinner last night.) I need to feel better soon. I MUST feel better soon...

Spent Daylight Saving Time sleeping, as expected. I think I averted a cold and/or the flu by getting decent sleep this past weekend, though.

I'm beginning to doubt myself and doubt that I have anything worthwhile to say. I'm trying to keep those thoughts at bay because I know they're not helping me, but it's difficult when I get feedback and it seems so thoughtful... It's meant to be helpful but I think it's actually making me question everything I've done for the last seven months. Scary stuff.

All that remains is incorporating comments, printing, and turning it in. In the throes of doubt, though, I'm wondering if what I wrote is even what I set out to write. I'm wondering if what I wrote will be good enough. I've never striven for "good enough" before, and now doesn't seem to be the time to start, but I think "the best" is far out of reach when I've extended myself beyond what I thought possible...

Encouragement welcomed. Prayers encouraged.

---Earlier listings removed for brevity. To see entire list, go here.---
• Write results. (I wish it was easier to break this down into something more manageable... It's not.) Goal: 10/18/09 * Completed 10/27/09--still might fiddle with things...
• Send draft to committee for read through. Goal: 10/19/09 (or sooner) *Completed 10/19/09--right on time! *Sent to chair on 10/26/09 as promised.
• Polish introduction and conclusion. Goal: 10/22/09 *New goal: 10/31/09 *Completed 10/31/09
• Check transitions between sections and paragraphs. Goal: 10/24/09 *New goal: 10/31/09 *Completed 10/31/09
• Check APA citations for correctness and completeness. Goal: 10/26/09 *Completed 10/27/09--some things are just easier because they're mindless... or I'm braindead... or both.
• Check formatting with IUP Thesis/Dissertation Guide. Goal: 10/29/09 *Completed 10/27/09--finally got Microsoft Word to cooperate with section breaks and dot leaders!
• Submit to School of Graduate Studies for formatting check. DUE: 11/2/09 *Completed 11/1/09! YES!
• Incorporate feedback and comments from committee readers. Goal: 10/28/09 *New goal: 11/14/09--since the readers just got the thing and most have responded that they need more time, I'll wait till after I send my draft in for formatting to incorporate comments. I'm hoping to have this done just before turning in the final copy... or sooner, if possible.
• Submit printing and binding form. DUE: 11/16/09 *THIS IS THE DROP-DEAD DUE DATE. Must be in-hand at the Office (and printed on fancy paper). Taking vacation time to get signatures and turn in paper copies. (Cheaper than mailing it in? Contextualize "cheap," please.)
• Have committee chair update grade on thesis credits. Goal: 11/30/09 *Still hazy on how this works. I hate not knowing things.
• GRADUATE! 12/20/09
• Throw a party. Goal: 12/31/09

It's hard for me to relate to books and articles on teaching sometimes because most of them assume you're already teaching and looking for guidance. Well, how about those of us with no experience?

It's frustrating to tackle a task like writing a teaching philosophy when one has not yet taught. This article delves into the depths of what makes a good teaching philosophy, what to do if you haven't taught yet (and suggestions on what to do if you have), and breaks down why people find certain teaching philosophies better than others. This is helpful stuff!

I have to write one of these for my practicum course, so this will definitely be revisited. For now, though, it's posted in the memory of my blog...

At the very least Daylight Saving Time ends this Sunday and I'll be given an extra hour... which I will most likely use for much needed sleep (like most other people I know).

---Earlier listings removed for brevity. To see entire list, go here.---
• Write results. (I wish it was easier to break this down into something more manageable... It's not.) Goal: 10/18/09 * Completed 10/27/09--still might fiddle with things...
• Send draft to committee for read through. Goal: 10/19/09 (or sooner) *Completed 10/19/09--right on time! *Sent to chair on 10/26/09 as promised.
• Polish introduction and conclusion. Goal: 10/22/09 *New goal: 10/31/09
• Check transitions between sections and paragraphs. Goal: 10/24/09 *New goal: 10/31/09
• Check APA citations for correctness and completeness. Goal: 10/26/09 *Completed 10/27/09--some things are just easier because they're mindless... or I'm braindead... or both.
• Check formatting with IUP Thesis/Dissertation Guide. Goal: 10/29/09 *Completed 10/27/09--finally got Microsoft Word to cooperate with section breaks!
• Submit to School of Graduate Studies for formatting check. DUE: 11/2/09
• Incorporate feedback and comments from committee readers. Goal: 10/28/09 *New goal: 11/14/09--since the readers just got the thing and most have responded that they need more time, I'll wait till after I send my draft in for formatting to incorporate comments. I'm hoping to have this done just before turning in the final copy... or sooner, if possible.
• Submit printing and binding form. DUE: 11/16/09 *THIS IS THE DROP-DEAD DUE DATE. Must be in-hand at the Office (and printed on fancy paper). Taking vacation time to get signatures and turn in paper copies. (Cheaper than mailing it in? Contextualize "cheap," please.)
• Have committee chair update grade on thesis credits. Goal: 11/30/09 *Still hazy on how this works. I hate not knowing things.
• GRADUATE! 12/20/09
• Throw a party. Goal: 12/31/09

I take a moment to stretch my jaw--that hurts more. I try eating and every bite, nibble, and crunch hurts so bad the only thing outweighing my pain is my hunger.

Later I leave, driving back home from Shippensburg, and I'm wondering if I have TMJ. TMJ is the nickname for the joint--temporomandibular joint (which connects the temporal bone of the skull to the mandible, the jaw bone). TMJ is the joint, and the disorder is merely "TMJ joint disorder." I remembered learning about this in 12th grade anatomy class (an awesome class from my high school days six, almost seven, years ago).

I got home and called the 800 number on the back of my health insurance card. They have this on-call system with nurses you can talk to. (I called this number when I blacked out on a rollercoaster once to make sure I didn't have a concussion or other head trauma. They're nice and have good info--and it's faster than wading through scads of search results on the internet.) I told the nurse how I felt and what was going on now and she said it sounded like TMJ disorder. She said it's brought on by stress sometimes. Then she asked if I'm under a lot of stress.

And then I laughed out loud.

My jaw really hurts. I'm not supposed to eat crunchy or chewy foods, basically anything that takes a lot of jawing effort. This morning's breakfast was Cheerios mushed against the roof of my mouth. Now that's appetizing, I know.

I tend to think I'm dealing with the stress in my life better than ever before--I'm feeling well-organized, I'm not procrastinating, I have made time to do other things to step away from both work and school--but I'm also under more stress than ever before.

So this is how stress manifests itself for me this time. In the past it's been neckaches (stress going to the weakest part of my body) and migraines. Honestly, I'm not sure I care so much for this jaw pain. Would I rather have a neckache? Well, maybe I'm just used to those.

The first suggestion for relieving pain from TMJ disorder is to reduce stress... Um... haha.

And now I return to my regularly scheduled thesis writing marathon.

• Complete thesis recordings. Done 9/22/09. This took longer than anticipated. I would have been okay with that if it hadn't meant using up more vacation time than I can afford.
• Extract audio files.Done 9/22/09. Thank goodness I have a Mac, wireless backup, and several hard drives
• Transcribe audio files.Done 10/4/09. Easier said than done. Background noise sucks. Low frequency buzzes make my ears hurt. Sudden spikes in recordings sit me up straight in my chair.
• Look at videos with transcripts to make notations of interactions. Goal: 10/8/09 *Completed 10/9/09. Delay caused by other coursework (see post about my students!).
• Analyze research for patterns, unique qualities in working with computers vs. paper. Goal: 10/11/09 *Completed 10/12/09. Delay caused by migraine headache. Had to get myself to the chiropractor. I'm feeling much better now.
• Write results. (I wish it was easier to break this down into something more manageable... It's not.) Goal: 10/18/09 * Not done as of 10/19/09, but it's looking good for the end of the week. I knew this would take awhile, and I've dedicated lots of time (took a half day from work on Friday to come home and write), but I need more time still. Thank God I wrote an outline before I started.
• Send draft to committee for read through. Goal: 10/19/09 (or sooner) *Can't send draft to my committee chair until 10/26 (she's out of town). She said she'd expedite her feedback, though, because of the delay. *Completed 10/19/09--right on time! Not finished with writing the results or my conclusion yet though.
• Polish introduction and conclusion. Goal: 10/22/09 *May need to push this (and subsequent goals) back by at least one day because I need more time to finish writing the results.
• Check transitions between sections and paragraphs. Goal: 10/24/09 *Plus a day?
• Check APA citations for correctness and completeness. Goal: 10/26/09 *Plus a day?
• Incorporate feedback and comments from committee readers. Goal: 10/28/09 *Plus a day?
• Check formatting with IUP Thesis/Dissertation Guide. Goal: 10/29/09 *I cheated and did most of this in advance the other day when I got stuck writing. This may be easier to finish up than I originally thought. Still need to check APA Style though!
• Submit to School of Graduate Studies for formatting check. DUE: 11/1/09 *Checked with Graduate Studies and Research Office--date is 11/2 because 11/1 is Sunday.
• Submit printing and binding form. DUE: 11/15/09 *THIS IS THE DROP-DEAD DUE DATE. **Date is also on Sunday: REAL due date is 11/16. Must be in-hand at the Office (and printed on fancy paper). (Note: may need to use vacation time to get signatures for official form.)
• Have committee chair update grade on thesis credits. Goal: 11/30/09 *Is this reasonable or do I have to wait until all grades for the semester are to be submitted?
• GRADUATE! 12/20/09
• Throw a party. Goal: 12/31/09

• Complete thesis recordings. Done 9/22/09. This took longer than anticipated. I would have been okay with that if it hadn't meant using up more vacation time than I can afford.


• Extract audio files.Done 9/22/09. Thank goodness I have a Mac, wireless backup, and several hard drives


• Transcribe audio files.Done 10/4/09. Easier said than done. Background noise sucks. Low frequency buzzes make my ears hurt. Sudden spikes in recordings sit me up straight in my chair.


• Look at videos with transcripts to make notations of interactions. Goal: 10/8/09 *Completed 10/9/09. Delay caused by other coursework (see post about my students!).


• Analyze research for patterns, unique qualities in working with computers vs. paper. Goal: 10/11/09 *Completed 10/12/09. Delay caused by migraine headache. Had to get myself to the chiropractor. I'm feeling much better now.


• Write results. (I wish it was easier to break this down into something more manageable... It's not.) Goal: 10/18/09 * I CAN DO THIS! I CAN DO IT! I CAN!


• Send draft to committee for read through. Goal: 10/19/09 (or sooner) *Can't send draft to my committee chair until 10/26 (she's out of town). She said she'd expedite her feedback, though, because of the delay.


• Polish introduction and conclusion. Goal: 10/22/09


• Check transitions between sections and paragraphs. Goal: 10/24/09


• Check APA citations for correctness and completeness. Goal: 10/26/09


• Incorporate feedback and comments from committee readers. Goal: 10/28/09


• Check formatting with IUP Thesis/Dissertation Guide. Goal: 10/29/09


• Submit to School of Graduate Studies for formatting check. DUE: 11/1/09 *Checked with Graduate Studies and Research Office--date is 11/2 because 11/1 is Sunday.


• Submit printing and binding form. DUE: 11/15/09 *THIS IS THE DROP-DEAD DUE DATE. **Date is also on Sunday: REAL due date is 11/16. Must be in-hand at the Office (and printed on fancy paper). (Note: may need to use vacation time to get signatures for official form.)


• Have committee chair update grade on thesis credits. Goal: 11/30/09


• GRADUATE! 12/20/09


• Throw a party. Goal: 12/31/09

And I am.

By my dog, Trixie.

She's curled up in her puppy bed in the corner of the room watching me write. I have to laugh at the positions she lays in just so she can always see me. It's cute.

And it's then, when I sense I'm being watched by my beloved canine, that I know love is in her eyes.

• Complete thesis recordings. Done 9/22/09. This took longer than anticipated. I would have been okay with that if it hadn't meant using up more vacation time than I can afford.


• Extract audio files.Done 9/22/09. Thank goodness I have a Mac, wireless backup, and several hard drives


• Transcribe audio files.Done 10/4/09. Easier said than done. Background noise sucks. Low frequency buzzes make my ears hurt. Sudden spikes in recordings sit me up straight in my chair.


• Look at videos with transcripts to make notations of interactions. Goal: 10/8/09 *Completed 10/9/09. Delay caused by other coursework (see post about my students!).


• Analyze research for patterns, unique qualities in working with computers vs. paper. Goal: 10/11/09 *This is looking like it will happen! :-D


• Write results. (I wish it was easier to break this down into something more manageable... It's not.) Goal: 10/18/09 * I CAN DO THIS! I CAN DO IT! I CAN!


• Send draft to committee for read through. Goal: 10/19/09 (or sooner) *Can't send draft to my committee chair until 10/26 (she's out of town). She said she'd expedite her feedback, though, because of the delay.


• Polish introduction and conclusion. Goal: 10/22/09


• Check transitions between sections and paragraphs. Goal: 10/24/09


• Check APA citations for correctness and completeness. Goal: 10/26/09


• Incorporate feedback and comments from committee readers. Goal: 10/28/09


• Check formatting with IUP Thesis/Dissertation Guide. Goal: 10/29/09


• Submit to School of Graduate Studies for formatting check. DUE: 11/1/09 *Checked with Graduate Studies and Research Office--date is 11/2 because 11/1 is Sunday.


• Submit printing and binding form. DUE: 11/15/09 *THIS IS THE DROP-DEAD DUE DATE. **Date is also on Sunday: REAL due date is 11/16. Must be in-hand at the Office (and printed on fancy paper). (Note: may need to use vacation time to get signatures for official form.)


• Have committee chair update grade on thesis credits. Goal: 11/30/09


• GRADUATE! 12/20/09


• Throw a party. Goal: 12/31/09

I got my textbooks from the Council too. Still leafing through them, but they seem decent. (They're published by Pearson/Longman--a publisher I interviewed with way back in 2007.) There are a lot of CDs--audio files to match up with lessons, printable worksheets, etc.

I have to contact my students to set up our meeting time and place. I'm really excited to get started. I can't wait to meet them!

Here is what is have so far. PLEASE feel free to critique, suggest, and comment. (I don't even care if you're a teacher--if you have something to say, it may be helpful since this is really my first stab at something like this!) Just remember that this is draft 1...

Setting: In a mid-sized suburb of Pittsburgh, a tutoring class is assembled through a literacy agency. I volunteer as a tutor with this literacy agency, and I will take on from two to five students this semester. All students are 20 or older, but most are in the 30-50 range, according to the literacy agency.

The students in the tutoring class are from varying backgrounds, but none have lived in the United States for long. Some are refugees, some are here to study, some are here with a loved one for a job. The students have enrolled in the agency's tutoring classes to improve their listening and speaking skills mostly because some of them have studied English in their home countries.

Students sign up to work with volunteer tutors through the literacy agency. When they sign up, students are tested on their abilities to determine the kind of tutoring that will benefit them most. The agency assigns students to the tutors and suggests texts for the tutors to use with the students.

The class meets in a local public library in a reading room or similar private area. The room will have a table with chairs around it. The students and teacher will all sit at the table together for class. The class will meet two times a week for two hours. Meetings will continue for six weeks. (At the six-week point, students are retested on their abilities in English.)

Texts and materials:
Textbooks will be used, but not extensively. (Text will be assigned by literacy agency--not yet assigned as of 10/6/09.) I will work with materials provided in the text and workbooks, but if they do not suit my students and their needs, I will either revise the materials (if permissible and appropriate) or I will develop my own materials. Most learning will be goal-directed and objective-supported through interaction and activities inside and outside of class.

Course content:
The course content will be based upon the students' needs and the available texts and materials (yet to be determined as of 10/6/09). In general, however, the course content will focus on English as it is used in daily American life. I plan to ask students in the first few class meetings what will be most helpful for them and what will be most interesting for them. From that information and the texts and materials I will build lessons and units.

Goals and objectives:
1) By the end of the course, students will be able to function in common contexts of life in America (through speaking and listening).
Objective: Students will build vocabulary skills with reading materials.
Objective: Students will practice speaking and listening with dialogues in the classroom as well as in real-life situations.

2) By the end of the course, students will have developed confidence in their abilities as English speakers in America.
Objective: Students will learn about American culture through projects and in-class activities.
Objective: Students will keep a "class-owned" list of idioms, metaphors, and phrases they hear used around them.
Objective: Students will keep a journal about experiences with American culture in their daily lives.

3) By the end of the course, students will be able to continue learning about English, America, and themselves as English speakers as they move through their lives.
Objective: Students will learn skills for independent vocabulary building.
Objective: Students will experience English use in a variety of settings, with a variety of people, for a variety of reasons.
Objective: Students will demonstrate their abilities and interests in a collection of work assembled throughout the course.

(At least in the Mac version you can't... and it's crashed on me twice now when I get to the word "co-constructed" in a transcription. Argh!)

• Complete thesis recordings. Done 9/22/09. This took longer than anticipated. I would have been okay with that if it hadn't meant using up more vacation time than I can afford.


• Extract audio files.Done 9/22/09. Thank goodness I have a Mac, wireless backup, and several hard drives


• Transcribe audio files.Done 10/4/09. Easier said than done. Background noise sucks. Low frequency buzzes make my ears hurt. Sudden spikes in recordings sit me up straight in my chair.


• Look at videos with transcripts to make notations of interactions. Goal: 10/8/09


• Analyze research for patterns, unique qualities in working with computers vs. paper. Goal: 10/11/09


• Write results. (I wish it was easier to break this down into something more manageable... It's not.) Goal: 10/18/09


• Send draft to committee for read through. Goal: 10/19/09 (or sooner)


• Polish introduction and conclusion. Goal: 10/22/09


• Check transitions between sections and paragraphs. Goal: 10/24/09


• Check APA citations for correctness and completeness. Goal: 10/26/09


• Incorporate feedback and comments from committee readers. Goal: 10/28/09


• Check formatting with IUP Thesis/Dissertation Guide. Goal: 10/29/09


• Submit to School of Graduate Studies for formatting check. DUE: 11/1/09


• Submit printing and binding form. DUE: 11/15/09


• Have committee chair update grade on thesis credits. Goal: 11/30/09


• GRADUATE! 12/20/09


• Throw a party. Goal: 12/31/09

In class, throughout my schooling career, I was always one of those students that would be doing exactly what the teacher wanted no matter when the teacher looked up at me. I can't help I'm a rule-follower. I'm really good at feeling out conventions for how to behave in situations. I think that's a skill that, now later in my life and (semi-)post-schooling, has extended into my professional and personal life.

However, it's come to my attention that when I have students of my own they may not all know how to act in a classroom. It will be my responsibility, as the teacher, to provide structure (but not be too rigid). Lots of classroom rules have been instilled in us as citizens participating in the school system in the United States. This is not to say public or private schools because there are simple conventions that apply to just about all US classrooms that we're expected to know (don't talk when someone else is talking, stay in your seat unless given permission to get up, capitalize the beginning words of sentences, etc.). Breaking these conventions is what sets apart students who "know" from students who don't know and won't know unless we explicitly tell them. These rules that feel so natural and inherent to us are foreign to anyone seen as an "outsider." Crookes suggests in chapter 9 (p.146) that we might not even realize these things are rules because we've internalized them so well... (that's a little creepy, but I guess it's necessary).

I know this is a broad assumption (and this is a side note that borders on a separate blog entry), but I would assume that most ESL classrooms are comprised of students who are seen as "outsiders" to the US school system. What I'm wondering is how I can create a classroom environment that is helpful to them as students while not totally overwhelming them with nuances of schooling in the US. It seems like there could be a whole class on how to be in class in the US (or any other country for that matter, but I plan to teach in the US, so my questions are centered around only this nation).

Internalizing rules, like Crookes suggests we have (p.146), has benefits, though. Beginning teachers have to keep these rules--and how to enforce them--in mind as they manage classroom behavior, introduce material, and go through lesson plans. Crookes suggests "there are aspects of teaching that are facilitated by having freed up cognitive resources through automatizing some teaching behaviors" (p.147).

I'm a little jealous of my former classmates at this point because they've already struggled with being overwhelmed with classroom management while trying to implement lessons, improvise, and get ready to do it again the next day... I don't have any of that experience.

CALL FOR EXPERIENCE: tell me something you learned about classroom management (the good, the bad, and/or the ugly) and how it's helped you.

I'm just going to have to learn about it secondhand for now. I finished my GPLC ESL tutor training course, so now I'm just waiting to learn who my student(s) is(are) and set up meeting times. I'm having that on-the-edge-of-your-seat feeling about it right now because I'm basically at a standstill. I can't begin to do any lesson plans until I at least know their levels, needs, and what they're interested in learning. I know it'll come, but I'm ready to get going on this so I can gain experience in things like lesson planning, improvisation, and classroom management...

The thing that struck me first is how there are so many formulae for creating classroom widgets (be they lessons, materials, or in the large scope of curriculum). But none of them should be followed prescriptively--that only lands a beginning teacher in the clutches of rote or, perhaps more terrifyingly, confusion and not feeling good enough.

One of my favorite impossible passages in chapter 6 is on improvisation. I admire those who can "improv," as it's said, because clearly they know their material and their audience, whether the improviser is a stage comedian or a teacher. Whatever happens in improvisation is sometimes more brilliant than anything they could have truly planned. There's danger in relying on improvisation to pull one through a lack of planning, though, too. (My reflection: nothing is 100% fool-proof in teaching. It seems that teaching must be a mélange of abstract approaches towards a set of tangible goals and objectives.)

On page 107 Crookes gives readers a quotable quote on improvisation in teaching:

the improvisational actor with a definition of the general situation and a set of guidelines for performing his or her role, rather than working from a detailed written script . . . [and similarly] when improvising, a teacher begins with an outline of the instructional activity. Details are filled in during the class session as the teacher responds to what the students know and can do. Preparation for such an improvisation entails the creation of general guidelines for lessons that are designed to be responsive to the unpredictability of classroom events. (Borko and Livingston, 1989, pp. 476-477)

I know I've had to improvise during classroom presentations before. If something doesn't go right or if I skip over something I meant to say, it takes quick thinking and crafty words to create an opportunity to make things look seamless. I guess improvising in the classroom is probably a lot like what my band teacher used to say about missing notes in a concert: you're probably the only one that will notice.