Early in the semester, I established this as a place where I would post my reflections on readings and my thoughts on teaching for this practicum course. It's been challenging to keep up with, but I was always glad to write a post so I could think more deeply about what I had read or experienced. Writing a blog gave me a few precious moments to stop rushing around and really think. I'm excited to have this record of my thoughts and feelings so I can return to it later as I grow and learn. That's got to be the best part about keeping a journal (or a blog, for that matter!).

What always seems to happen to me with my blog is that I find an old post one day and reread it, then I reread whatever text I referenced (or linked to), then I see if I still think the things I thought when I wrote the original post. It's a fun way for me to see how I'm changing, learning, and growing. This time, though, it's with my thoughts on teaching, so it's important for me to catalogue what changes and how (and when) so I'm constantly aware. I'd like to continue journaling about my thoughts on teaching, and it seems like my blog is the perfect place to do it!

Without further ado, I present to you my journal entries for ENGL 688. Click on the links to view each entry and its comments. Enjoy.

9/3: Return to academic blogging

9/6: In search of professional me

9/15: ESL tutor training workshop

9/22: The mysteries of classroom improvisation

9/30: Classroom management: the merits of explaining rules and knowing what you're doing

10/6: Feedback welcome: my first course design

10/9: I have students!

10/13: Teaching beyond how we're taught

10/28: Writing a philosophy of teaching

11/4: Teacher as bricoleur

11/12: First full class

Needless to say, it's been difficult to deal with. I've also never lost a pet that I've had so long. I had hamsters and rabbits growing up, and they had died, but never a dog. This is a first to deal with for me.

To clarify my post from the other day, Sherwood died peacefully and in my arms. I had gone home to see him after my mother called, and I held him for an hour and a half. He was panting hard, coughing intermittently, and generally not looking good. Holding him in my arms, I cried and told him it was okay to die, that I could see he was suffering, that I loved him so much and always would.

The appointment at the vet's was for 5:10. Around 4:45 I carried Sherwood to my mom's Blazer. She drove, and I held Sherwood in my lap. We went to pick up my youngest brother from his afterschool job at Subway. He had to wait for his manager to show up before leaving, even though he was planning to come back afterwards. Mom and I waited in the car with Sherwood. I petted him, he panted, we waited.

Then, as I talked to mom about something of no consequence, Sherwood looked up at me. I looked down at him, curled up in my lap. He turned his head into my hand and died.

We didn't even make it to the vet. I think I prefer it this way though. His last moments were enveloped in love. He knew it was okay to go. My family has been saying that he needed me to come home to tell him it was okay because he was my dog, he loved me and looked for me, and needed me.

Even though I'm glad things happened the way they did, this hasn't made it any less difficult to deal with...

Yesterday my family met at my house to bury Sherwood. Dad had dug a hole in the yard. We said our goodbyes. I pet his soft ear one last time--perhaps the most difficult stroke because it was to a cold ear. We wrapped him and carried him to the hole. Dad laid him in the ground, and we talked about how much we would miss him. Mom and dad covered the hole, and then we went inside.

After mom had told me when we would bury him, I made a photo slideshow to remember our dog. I cried while making it, and cry every time I watch it. We watched it in my family's living room after burying Sherwood. We laughed and cried, remembering our little puppy. I'm uploading it to Youtube so my family members can watch it any time they want. I hope you'll enjoy it too. (Below is the text from the "about" portion of Youtube.)

This is a tribute to Sherwood, my family's dog, who passed away recently.

Sherwood was a pure-bred chocolate brown cocker spaniel. My mother brought him to our family in January 1998. He was a great lap dog who loved to have his ears rubbed. Sherwood enjoyed typical dog treats like meat and peanut butter, but he was what my mother called a "fruit dog," because he would beg for apple, cantaloupe, watermelon, and other fruits. His begging was silent, though. He would just stand and stare at you, hoping you would notice him and give him some goodies.

Sherwood loved to be clean and good smelling because then everyone would want to hold him and pet him. When he came home from the groomer's, he sat tall in the car. His posture was princelike and he knew he looked and smelled good.

He was a good guard dog, and would bark to alert us when someone was coming to the door. In his later years he would chime in to bark when the other dogs did, regardless of whether or not he knew what they were barking at.

His tail was remarkably fast, and would wag at the sound of his name. When we came home from school or work, or just being outside for a moment, he greeted us at the door with great vigor. His tail, untiring, wagged so hard his whole rear end would move. It was always a joy to be greeted by Sherwood.

Sherwood was spry and energetic until his last days. Even at 12 years-old he would canter through the house to stay on my mother's heels. He was known for getting "under foot," and sometimes was a tripping hazard, but we will miss his presence.

Sherwood, you will always be missed. We all love you. You're a good boy.

(Photo slideshow created in iPhoto 2008 on a Macbook. Music is from a high school band concert--2003 Pennsylvania Music Educators Association [PMEA] District 3 Band Festival--"In Heaven's Air.")

For now the goal is passing the two classes I'm taking, mourning the loss of my dog, and reconfiguring my life. It sounds so simple...

My first class was half the length of a normal one--it was tough because I didn't know them, I didn't have textbooks for them yet, and we had to establish when and how frequently we would meet. Now we meet twice a week--Wednesdays 6-8 and Saturdays 1-3. I introduced the blog to them, had them sign up for accounts, and talked about the kinds of things we would do in class. I asked about their goals for learning English--they both want to practice speaking more.

Last night was my first full-length class. I used parts of a lesson in the book we're using. They read a dialogue and we discussed words and phrases they didn't know, then we discussed the meaning of the passage. Who are these people? Where are they? We gleaned vocabulary from the passage and moved to the grammar lesson. Gerunds and infinitives. On the same subject as the reading passage, the grammar practice helped me spring into a discussion about how gerunds and infinitives are used. In the exercise, they sometimes gave what the book classified as the "wrong" answer, so we discussed how what they said wasn't grammatically incorrect. They seemed to really catch on quickly.

We looked at the blog again, later in class. I encouraged them to write a post for the next class--the prompt was on a painting by Norman Rockwell (it's called "Freedom From Want" 1963). I asked them to write a story about the picture. That's homework for Saturday when we'll discuss American Thanksgiving. I have some of that lesson planned already, but I want to work culture and language lessons together.

The two hour chunks were imposing at first. I was wondering how I would fill the time. (GPLC requires 4 hours of instruction per week, so we decided to do two classes.) But now that I'm working with material in the book, creating some of my own materials, and working to keep up with their needs and interests, the two hours feels like it might not be enough!

Mom says he hasn't eaten for the past two days. They've tempted him with meat, peanut butter, apples--all his favorites--and he spits them out or turns away.

My puppy. He's been mine since I was 12. Half my life, at this point. And today he will no longer suffer. Today Sherwood will rest in peace.

Goodbye, my baby dog. My Chewbacca. My stinky boy. Goodbye, my cuddler. My Santa puppy. My rundown puppy. I loved you for as long as you walked this earth, and I'll love you when you're gone.

I can't help but have selfish thoughts... Why NOW, when I'm trying to finish the biggest thing I've ever written, the most important paper of my life so far? Why NOW, when I'm already stressed to the limit and couldn't possibly handle another ounce of stress? WHY NOW, when I need to just know that everything else in the background will be there when I finish this semester? Everything else isn't background though. Everything else is life. It's been living while I've been busy as a blur, and it's dying now. My dog is dying and I've stopped living. Now I pay the price.

I love you, Sherwood. I will miss you so much.

I managed to work some wiggle room into my work schedule this week. I'm taking three half days (including today--I left at noon) so I can have longer stints to work on the paper. I have a laundry list of things to finish up... and then it'll be over!

Among my final things to do:

• Read through out loud from beginning to end (Gotta practice what I preach with the writing center skills! Note: this may be the longest thing I ever read out loud in one sitting.)


• Check transitions between paragraphs and sections


• Check APA style (all in-text citations and references)


• Redo table of contents


• Check formatting


• PRINT 5 copies (I bought lovely 20 lb., 25% cotton paper to print it on)


• Monday the 16^th: Get committee signatures and turn it in!

After getting sick late last week, I realized how lucky I was to not get sick earlier in this process. At least I had Friday off so I could sleep 15 hours and recuperate. If I hadn't had that opportunity, I might still be in recovery today.

I have other schoolwork creeping up on me, and I need to give it the attention it deserves, but it is so hard with this looming about. Priorities are laughable right now because everything is equally important.

I would like to confirm that I was crazy to sign myself up for all of this. I was crazy then and I am crazier now.

I woke up feeling achy. Then my head hurt. I went to work anyway. I couldn't get warm. I cuddled into my sweater coat in my task chair with my space heater on full blast and coughed. A colleague commented that my cubicle felt like her car one time when she used her automatic starter and forgot her car was on--for like three hours.

The sign it's bad is when I can feel how warm my eyes are. Let that sink in for a minute. My past experience with fevers is that my eyes get so warm that there's a temperature difference between the eyeball and my eyelid. When I blink, the eyelid gets warmed and there's cooling sensation on my eye. When that happens, it's time to get the NyQuil.

In less than two weeks my thesis is due. I just figured out an alternative work schedule with my boss so I can work mostly half days next week... so I can come home and work on my thesis. This does me no good if I'm at half-strength!

I feel like I'm in a video game, looking for the 1UP, trying to avoid the bad guys. It's like I'm Mario in the original game and I just lost firepower when I'm about to face King Koopa. I'm a tiny little Mario with no extra lives (and no vacation time to speak of). I have to face the ultimate challenge despite it all.

I'm getting feedback on my thesis from my committee readers. It's exciting but terrifying. I'm worried about having enough time. I'm worried about not living up to my expectations (and expectations others have of me). I meet with my students on Saturday for the first time. (Long story why it took so long. Not my fault.) I'm still working every day next week because I have a huge (and hugely important) project due on the 19th...

I have a multi-ended candle (perhaps a dodecahedron) and I'm burning it at all ends...

So here I lay--laptop on top of every blanket I own, on top of me, tucked into bed. I'm still not warm, but maybe the NyQuil will kick in soon and I'll have a spectacular solid night's sleep. (I've been getting 6-7 every night! Sleep is the one thing I don't cut... even though I forgot to eat dinner last night.) I need to feel better soon. I MUST feel better soon...

Clearly, though, there is a more commonly used definition of this word than the direct French translation that immediately sprang to my mind... A search on Google for "bricoleur translation" brings many results (most of which, not surprisingly, are not translations), one of which points to what Groundwater-Smith intimated in her article. The article from the search results, which, sadly, I could not find a way to access (even though the IUP library), does provide an abstract. In it, we see the definition of teacher as bricoleur, as Groundwater-Smith uses it:

...the paper presents a narrative account of how a science teacher negotiated and made use of the existing discourses that influenced his teaching practice to construct learning experiences for his students. It is a portrait of him as a bricoleur, engaged in making-do with what is of available to conform to prescriptive discursive norms as well as engage in situated, contingent and collaborative pedagogical improvisations with his students. Through a discursive analysis of Mr. Raghuvanshi’s teaching practice, this paper presents his bricolage as a feature of everyday sociocultural practices, and as an instance of glocalization [sic] of decontextualized school science discourse. (taken from the abstract of this paper in Cultural Studies of Science Education journal)

So here is the definition to which Groundwater-Smith refers. Teachers using what is available to them to make meaningful learning experiences for their students. Teachers rising up from any obstacles or limitations to meet challenges and engage students despite odds. Teachers as "do-it-yourselfers." Teachers as bricoleurs. Got it.

That said, I read on and learned that Groundwater-Smith's study (albeit in Australia) provided an interesting look at teacher education (and continuing education) for new teachers, not-so-new teachers, and seasoned veterans. It's important to address teacher education at every stage of a teacher's development because, as stated in the article, stagnancy is a risk we can't afford to take for the sake of the students and the learning we suppose occurs in each classroom (whether the classroom of the new, not-so-new, or seasoned teacher).

I appreciated the different takes on teacher education at different phases in their careers since one of my complaints about texts for my practicum is that they are written for and about (and by, for that matter) teachers with (at least a little) experience.

The real take-away from this article comes in the conclusion. I think the most important thing Groundwater-Smith said about teacher education is that it's a continuum--it's not a static entity, separate from teaching students. Teacher education moves forward as we teach in classrooms, and must move forward in order for teachers to improve their skills, develop professional relationships, explore the field of teaching and all the possibilities it offers, and improve their job satisfaction. Onward and upward, I think, is the theme here. If we expect our students to keep learning, we ought to be lifelong learners ourselves, especially if we are committed to our profession and its practice.
--
Groundwater-Smith, S. (1996). The practicum as workplace learning: a multi-mode approach in teacher education. Australian Journal of Teacher Education. 21: 29-41.

Spent Daylight Saving Time sleeping, as expected. I think I averted a cold and/or the flu by getting decent sleep this past weekend, though.

I'm beginning to doubt myself and doubt that I have anything worthwhile to say. I'm trying to keep those thoughts at bay because I know they're not helping me, but it's difficult when I get feedback and it seems so thoughtful... It's meant to be helpful but I think it's actually making me question everything I've done for the last seven months. Scary stuff.

All that remains is incorporating comments, printing, and turning it in. In the throes of doubt, though, I'm wondering if what I wrote is even what I set out to write. I'm wondering if what I wrote will be good enough. I've never striven for "good enough" before, and now doesn't seem to be the time to start, but I think "the best" is far out of reach when I've extended myself beyond what I thought possible...

Encouragement welcomed. Prayers encouraged.

---Earlier listings removed for brevity. To see entire list, go here.---
• Write results. (I wish it was easier to break this down into something more manageable... It's not.) Goal: 10/18/09 * Completed 10/27/09--still might fiddle with things...
• Send draft to committee for read through. Goal: 10/19/09 (or sooner) *Completed 10/19/09--right on time! *Sent to chair on 10/26/09 as promised.
• Polish introduction and conclusion. Goal: 10/22/09 *New goal: 10/31/09 *Completed 10/31/09
• Check transitions between sections and paragraphs. Goal: 10/24/09 *New goal: 10/31/09 *Completed 10/31/09
• Check APA citations for correctness and completeness. Goal: 10/26/09 *Completed 10/27/09--some things are just easier because they're mindless... or I'm braindead... or both.
• Check formatting with IUP Thesis/Dissertation Guide. Goal: 10/29/09 *Completed 10/27/09--finally got Microsoft Word to cooperate with section breaks and dot leaders!
• Submit to School of Graduate Studies for formatting check. DUE: 11/2/09 *Completed 11/1/09! YES!
• Incorporate feedback and comments from committee readers. Goal: 10/28/09 *New goal: 11/14/09--since the readers just got the thing and most have responded that they need more time, I'll wait till after I send my draft in for formatting to incorporate comments. I'm hoping to have this done just before turning in the final copy... or sooner, if possible.
• Submit printing and binding form. DUE: 11/16/09 *THIS IS THE DROP-DEAD DUE DATE. Must be in-hand at the Office (and printed on fancy paper). Taking vacation time to get signatures and turn in paper copies. (Cheaper than mailing it in? Contextualize "cheap," please.)
• Have committee chair update grade on thesis credits. Goal: 11/30/09 *Still hazy on how this works. I hate not knowing things.
• GRADUATE! 12/20/09
• Throw a party. Goal: 12/31/09

It's hard for me to relate to books and articles on teaching sometimes because most of them assume you're already teaching and looking for guidance. Well, how about those of us with no experience?

It's frustrating to tackle a task like writing a teaching philosophy when one has not yet taught. This article delves into the depths of what makes a good teaching philosophy, what to do if you haven't taught yet (and suggestions on what to do if you have), and breaks down why people find certain teaching philosophies better than others. This is helpful stuff!

I have to write one of these for my practicum course, so this will definitely be revisited. For now, though, it's posted in the memory of my blog...

At the very least Daylight Saving Time ends this Sunday and I'll be given an extra hour... which I will most likely use for much needed sleep (like most other people I know).

---Earlier listings removed for brevity. To see entire list, go here.---
• Write results. (I wish it was easier to break this down into something more manageable... It's not.) Goal: 10/18/09 * Completed 10/27/09--still might fiddle with things...
• Send draft to committee for read through. Goal: 10/19/09 (or sooner) *Completed 10/19/09--right on time! *Sent to chair on 10/26/09 as promised.
• Polish introduction and conclusion. Goal: 10/22/09 *New goal: 10/31/09
• Check transitions between sections and paragraphs. Goal: 10/24/09 *New goal: 10/31/09
• Check APA citations for correctness and completeness. Goal: 10/26/09 *Completed 10/27/09--some things are just easier because they're mindless... or I'm braindead... or both.
• Check formatting with IUP Thesis/Dissertation Guide. Goal: 10/29/09 *Completed 10/27/09--finally got Microsoft Word to cooperate with section breaks!
• Submit to School of Graduate Studies for formatting check. DUE: 11/2/09
• Incorporate feedback and comments from committee readers. Goal: 10/28/09 *New goal: 11/14/09--since the readers just got the thing and most have responded that they need more time, I'll wait till after I send my draft in for formatting to incorporate comments. I'm hoping to have this done just before turning in the final copy... or sooner, if possible.
• Submit printing and binding form. DUE: 11/16/09 *THIS IS THE DROP-DEAD DUE DATE. Must be in-hand at the Office (and printed on fancy paper). Taking vacation time to get signatures and turn in paper copies. (Cheaper than mailing it in? Contextualize "cheap," please.)
• Have committee chair update grade on thesis credits. Goal: 11/30/09 *Still hazy on how this works. I hate not knowing things.
• GRADUATE! 12/20/09
• Throw a party. Goal: 12/31/09

I take a moment to stretch my jaw--that hurts more. I try eating and every bite, nibble, and crunch hurts so bad the only thing outweighing my pain is my hunger.

Later I leave, driving back home from Shippensburg, and I'm wondering if I have TMJ. TMJ is the nickname for the joint--temporomandibular joint (which connects the temporal bone of the skull to the mandible, the jaw bone). TMJ is the joint, and the disorder is merely "TMJ joint disorder." I remembered learning about this in 12th grade anatomy class (an awesome class from my high school days six, almost seven, years ago).

I got home and called the 800 number on the back of my health insurance card. They have this on-call system with nurses you can talk to. (I called this number when I blacked out on a rollercoaster once to make sure I didn't have a concussion or other head trauma. They're nice and have good info--and it's faster than wading through scads of search results on the internet.) I told the nurse how I felt and what was going on now and she said it sounded like TMJ disorder. She said it's brought on by stress sometimes. Then she asked if I'm under a lot of stress.

And then I laughed out loud.

My jaw really hurts. I'm not supposed to eat crunchy or chewy foods, basically anything that takes a lot of jawing effort. This morning's breakfast was Cheerios mushed against the roof of my mouth. Now that's appetizing, I know.

I tend to think I'm dealing with the stress in my life better than ever before--I'm feeling well-organized, I'm not procrastinating, I have made time to do other things to step away from both work and school--but I'm also under more stress than ever before.

So this is how stress manifests itself for me this time. In the past it's been neckaches (stress going to the weakest part of my body) and migraines. Honestly, I'm not sure I care so much for this jaw pain. Would I rather have a neckache? Well, maybe I'm just used to those.

The first suggestion for relieving pain from TMJ disorder is to reduce stress... Um... haha.

And now I return to my regularly scheduled thesis writing marathon.

• Complete thesis recordings. Done 9/22/09. This took longer than anticipated. I would have been okay with that if it hadn't meant using up more vacation time than I can afford.
• Extract audio files.Done 9/22/09. Thank goodness I have a Mac, wireless backup, and several hard drives
• Transcribe audio files.Done 10/4/09. Easier said than done. Background noise sucks. Low frequency buzzes make my ears hurt. Sudden spikes in recordings sit me up straight in my chair.
• Look at videos with transcripts to make notations of interactions. Goal: 10/8/09 *Completed 10/9/09. Delay caused by other coursework (see post about my students!).
• Analyze research for patterns, unique qualities in working with computers vs. paper. Goal: 10/11/09 *Completed 10/12/09. Delay caused by migraine headache. Had to get myself to the chiropractor. I'm feeling much better now.
• Write results. (I wish it was easier to break this down into something more manageable... It's not.) Goal: 10/18/09 * Not done as of 10/19/09, but it's looking good for the end of the week. I knew this would take awhile, and I've dedicated lots of time (took a half day from work on Friday to come home and write), but I need more time still. Thank God I wrote an outline before I started.
• Send draft to committee for read through. Goal: 10/19/09 (or sooner) *Can't send draft to my committee chair until 10/26 (she's out of town). She said she'd expedite her feedback, though, because of the delay. *Completed 10/19/09--right on time! Not finished with writing the results or my conclusion yet though.
• Polish introduction and conclusion. Goal: 10/22/09 *May need to push this (and subsequent goals) back by at least one day because I need more time to finish writing the results.
• Check transitions between sections and paragraphs. Goal: 10/24/09 *Plus a day?
• Check APA citations for correctness and completeness. Goal: 10/26/09 *Plus a day?
• Incorporate feedback and comments from committee readers. Goal: 10/28/09 *Plus a day?
• Check formatting with IUP Thesis/Dissertation Guide. Goal: 10/29/09 *I cheated and did most of this in advance the other day when I got stuck writing. This may be easier to finish up than I originally thought. Still need to check APA Style though!
• Submit to School of Graduate Studies for formatting check. DUE: 11/1/09 *Checked with Graduate Studies and Research Office--date is 11/2 because 11/1 is Sunday.
• Submit printing and binding form. DUE: 11/15/09 *THIS IS THE DROP-DEAD DUE DATE. **Date is also on Sunday: REAL due date is 11/16. Must be in-hand at the Office (and printed on fancy paper). (Note: may need to use vacation time to get signatures for official form.)
• Have committee chair update grade on thesis credits. Goal: 11/30/09 *Is this reasonable or do I have to wait until all grades for the semester are to be submitted?
• GRADUATE! 12/20/09
• Throw a party. Goal: 12/31/09

• Complete thesis recordings. Done 9/22/09. This took longer than anticipated. I would have been okay with that if it hadn't meant using up more vacation time than I can afford.


• Extract audio files.Done 9/22/09. Thank goodness I have a Mac, wireless backup, and several hard drives


• Transcribe audio files.Done 10/4/09. Easier said than done. Background noise sucks. Low frequency buzzes make my ears hurt. Sudden spikes in recordings sit me up straight in my chair.


• Look at videos with transcripts to make notations of interactions. Goal: 10/8/09 *Completed 10/9/09. Delay caused by other coursework (see post about my students!).


• Analyze research for patterns, unique qualities in working with computers vs. paper. Goal: 10/11/09 *Completed 10/12/09. Delay caused by migraine headache. Had to get myself to the chiropractor. I'm feeling much better now.


• Write results. (I wish it was easier to break this down into something more manageable... It's not.) Goal: 10/18/09 * I CAN DO THIS! I CAN DO IT! I CAN!


• Send draft to committee for read through. Goal: 10/19/09 (or sooner) *Can't send draft to my committee chair until 10/26 (she's out of town). She said she'd expedite her feedback, though, because of the delay.


• Polish introduction and conclusion. Goal: 10/22/09


• Check transitions between sections and paragraphs. Goal: 10/24/09


• Check APA citations for correctness and completeness. Goal: 10/26/09


• Incorporate feedback and comments from committee readers. Goal: 10/28/09


• Check formatting with IUP Thesis/Dissertation Guide. Goal: 10/29/09


• Submit to School of Graduate Studies for formatting check. DUE: 11/1/09 *Checked with Graduate Studies and Research Office--date is 11/2 because 11/1 is Sunday.


• Submit printing and binding form. DUE: 11/15/09 *THIS IS THE DROP-DEAD DUE DATE. **Date is also on Sunday: REAL due date is 11/16. Must be in-hand at the Office (and printed on fancy paper). (Note: may need to use vacation time to get signatures for official form.)


• Have committee chair update grade on thesis credits. Goal: 11/30/09


• GRADUATE! 12/20/09


• Throw a party. Goal: 12/31/09

And I am.

By my dog, Trixie.

She's curled up in her puppy bed in the corner of the room watching me write. I have to laugh at the positions she lays in just so she can always see me. It's cute.

And it's then, when I sense I'm being watched by my beloved canine, that I know love is in her eyes.