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October 28, 2005

Crime Faerie tale

Jury Finds Soldier Guilty

Friday morning the jury found Jorjé Alvarez, more commonly known as “the Soldier,” guilty on counts of kidnapping, extortion, racketeering and cruel and unusual punishment. After deliberating for less than two hours, the guilty verdict came in, much to the dismay of the Soldier and his defense team.
“We feel that justice has been lost today,” said Ignats O’Houlihan, the lead Defense attorney. “My client was clearly innocent and only trying to help to world.”
The Soldier, while on his return from the war, he stumbled across three beggars. To each he gave them one of his last biscuits to eat and in return they gave him a whistle to sing, a jig to dance to, a deck of magical cards and a magical sack.
Wishing to rest, the Soldier stopped along at an inn and soon journeyed to the old abandoned palace, where nightly the Devils meet to play their card games. The Soldier challenged the Devils and won, capturing 40 barrels of gold and using his magical sack to kidnap and abuse the devils. Once they were released, the Soldier even removed the foot of one of the Devils and made his promise to do his bidding in exchange for the foot.
“I was cheating the whole time and I still lost at the card games,” said Lord Elderton Bumbridge Estaban III, one of the Devils. “He even grew a flower out of my foot while he held it hostage. He got what he deserved.”
It was then the Soldier discovered the true powers of this magical sack, and upon receiving word that his son was ill, he held his Devil to it’s promise. The Devil gave him a glass, that when looked through, could reveal Death’s location. If at the end of the sick person, it was too late to save them.
Give his new tool and information, the Soldier began to wander from land to land healing people, but to those he could not save he would still asked to be paid.
As the leader of his land lay dying he addressed Death, asking the spare the Czar and take him instead. As the Soldier lay in bed, he called Death into his sack, stopping all people and things from dying.
In an attempt to amend for his discretions, the Soldier went down to Hell and rescued 200 souls, taking them to Heaven. He gave one of the souls the sack and told them to call him into it once they got beyond the gate, but there is no trickery or memory in Heaven.
Sentencing for the Soldier will occur on January 17, where he is facing a possible life-sentence, but a minimum of 23 years in a federal penitentiary.


I thought it was funny.

Posted by KevinMcGinnis at October 28, 2005 11:02 PM


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