Tranquility Lost: The things I do for the Cellar Dwellers

December 12, 2003

The things I do for the Cellar Dwellers

Now that I am home for Christmas break I can really just sit back and relax, enjoying the Christmas atmosphere that I hold so dearly to my heart. Wait... what the heck am I saying. I'm busier than I have ever been in my life!

Back in October, when Joe and I were making plans for a four man show this Christmas, I never thought twice about whether or not it would be difficult. I figured "We've done 5-man shows before and that was a piece of cake... what can one less man do?" Well, I can't tell you exactly what one less man can do, but I can tell you that I am busier than Quasi Modo on speed.

Today, I woke up at 10:30 (which makes me angry because I hate sleeping in) and started memorizing lines. Deconstructing Santa (our 4 man show that we all wrote collaboratively) consists of 20 skits. So I set to work this morning to memorize my lines. After about two hours of that, I got a call from Joe and he and I went out to try and get sponsors/advertisers for the program that we give out at the show.

Beaver Falls is a frightening place. If you don't know what it is... well you are lucky. It's a rundown area of Beaver County that was once a majestic, happenin' city, but is now merely a dirty, boarded up shadow of it's former self. I think that at one point it was called Beaver, but after it started to suck it took the name "Beaver Falls". Anyways, Joe and I walked up and down (approx a mile) on their main street, stopping in any store we thought would be interested. Unfortunately, about 50% of the shops in BF are for antiques and junk. So if you ever need a WWII-era helmet, a bike without tires, and a couch that contains more love juices than Barry White, go to Beaver Falls! Here are a couple of the responses we got to "Hello, we are members of the Cellar Dwellers, and were wondering if you would like to advertise in our show's program":

Florist: Our owner has cancer... we haven't been able to make many decisions since she got it. She has been out since June. *giving us a puppy dog look* It's hard! It's hard to do anything with her in the hospital. I'm sorry I can't do anything for you, but you will just have to have a good christmas. You have to keep on going!

(Yeah, that was an awkward one. But I swear to you those were her exact words... We aren't sure if they cooked that up especially for soliciters or what. But we RAN and never looked back, fearing we'd be turned into a pillar of granulated sugar)

Fish store clerk: I'm sorry, our owner is out back cleaning the fish tanks!

Men's Store owner: Wait.. who are you? Please explain what you want, who you are, and how many people come to your shows.
*After 10 minutes of explaining what we did and who we were and how many people come to our shows*
Men's Store owner: Well we spent all of our ad budget, so I'm sorry I can't help you.

Oram's Donuts Owner: I'm busy! I have a shipment to unload
Joe: Can we have 5 minutes of your time?
ODO: You can have 30 seconds
Joe: Wearethecellardwellers, thisislittlemikeandiamjoe..wearedoingashowatGenevacollegeandarelookingforadvertiserstoadvertiseinourprograms.
ODO: I'm not advertising anymore this year. Sorry guys
Joe: Thanksanyways

Pharmacist: Sorry... the president of Geneva college has alot of opinions. And alot of people hate him and his opinions... I'm one of those people!
Joe: But we aren't affiliated with Geneva
Pharmacist: I won't support them in any way.
Joe: Fair enough.

After that, and many more rejections that weren't as funny, we went home.

BUT Chic-Fil-A at the Beaver Valley Mall agreed to put a flier for our show in every bag, and we agreed to hand out coupons for free sandwiches at our show! So, even if you don't really want to see the show, come for the free coupon.

After a brief dinner, I headed over to the third floor of the Beaver Valley Bowl (which is where our rehearsal space is) It's a dirty dirty place. Really even if you just walk in there, you come out with soot on your pants and your hands filthy. But it's ideal for practicing, its only $75 a month, and its like one of those huge lofts that artists stereotypically have in New York (which is impossible because most artists are lazy and those things are extremely expensive, and not easy to come by.)

A reporter from the Beaver County Times (the local newspaper that usually covers our shows) came and interviewed us for an hour. The reporter, Dave Smith, is an awesome guy who really sees things on our level... although sometimes he likes to get deep messages out of our comedy that we didn't even make... here are some funny quotes from this evening's interview:

Dave: So you guys hate Christmas?
Me: No, we don't hate Christmas... we just hate "Sparkle Season"
Dave: So basically you guys are crucifying Santa Claus?
James: Ah! No! We are just "deconstructing him"

Dave: These are nice fliers. I would love to use this photograph for the story. How did you do this?
Me: I made it.. its only 40% real. Thank my $25,000 a year education at SHU
Dave: You'd better get an A in graphic design

Dave: What are you majoring in?
Me: Graphic Design with a minor in Creative Writing.
Dave: Design! You will make so much money... creative writing? That will be... fun.

Dave: So what were you guys thinking when you decided to do this show?
Joe: How can we make some quick cash!

Dave: Are there alot of religious references in this show?
James: Not so much.. we don't bash religion in this show... I'm a fan of Christianity
Me: Me too!
Joe: I go to church sometimes

(Photographer arrives)
Joe: Little Mike, get on the girl costume
(I do)

If you get the Beaver County Times, definitely look for the article sometime in the next week. I'm sure I will post the link on my blog as well.

Yeah, so we practice for the next THREE HOURS. Of course, that includes time for numerous games of bubble hockey.

Did I mention that Donny Iris is going to be in my comedy show? Yeah, that's right. (I know this blog is getting long today, so I will sum this up and talk more about it later) Donny Iris, who is from Beaver County, is a big fan of the Cellar Dwellers. He comes to see our show every time we have one (usually) and knows us all by name. Once, he actually told me I was awesome! So the other day, we came up with this great idea:

In one of our skits--which involves four people in purgatory, one of which is John Hancock (who was banished there for his vanity)-- we have the Voice of God come over the loudspeakers. So why not have that voice be played by Donny Iris?! We called him up at his office (he works for a mortgage company in Aliquippa) and asked him, and he was more than willing to do it!

So tomorrow me and Joe are going over there with my laptop and a microphone and recording his four lines. It's pretty exciting, although he didn't want us to publicize it too much, just having his name in the same program as ours gives me shivers... LOVE IS LIKE A ROCK!!!! AHH! LEAH!!!!