The Car is on my Mom!

Once again, another big and possibly beneficial family decision has been laid upon the shoulders of my mom. She is constantly being tested, I'm assuming by my father, when it comes to decision making. Do we go on vacation this year? It's up to Mom. Can I drive to Cleveland? It's up to your mother. And now the next questions... can we get this car? Well, it's your mom's decision. For Christmas my dad wants to get my mom a new car, and this is where the giant test comes in...

I should preface this car-buying decision to tell you about her current car: a Chrystler New Yorker. This car impressed the hell outta me when we bought it back in 1997. Why? Well for one thing, the car before it was a Corsica-- which is merely a crappy French-island territory, until the mighty literary magazine for which the Chrystler was named-- so the New Yorker felt like a chariot. It had a dome light for each passenger, it had leather seats, and a "message center", which at the time my dad told me would show me the specials at McDonalds. I later found out he was kidding when we pulled into a Burger King and I tried to order without looking at the menu. That was a big mistake...

But over the years we finally discovered the real side of the New Yorker. Three years after we purchased it, it had degraded from the once noble essay magazine to nothing more than Asimov's Fiction. I have heard from MANY people-- and when I say many I mean like more than 20-- that they have had problems with Chrystler cars. I actually don't understand why they are in business anymore, but that's another story. Regardless, after breaking down numerous times, getting dented in a parking lot, and losing a side-rear-view mirror, the New Yorker needs replacing.

So somehow my dad read my mind about what kind of car I think we should have, and he took my mom down to the dealership and picked out a Mercury Grand Marquis! I have been wanting a Grand Mark for three years now, ever since I got my Mercury Cougar. Once I got the Courgar, I started looking at what other cars the Mercury made, and then I saw the awesome 8 cyllander monster known as the Marquis. What's so special about this car? Well for one... COPS DRIVE IT! If The Man is relying on this car to serve and protect and give out traffic tickets, then it has to be an awesome vehicle. Also, it is the closest thing we have to a defense against the disgustingly large SUVs that cloud today's roads. Finally, as my dad said, it could fit like six dead bodies in the trunk. Now, I don't plan on getting myself even ONE dead body, but if the oppurtunity ever would present itself, I need to be prepared.

Last night, I pulled onto the block from a long drive to Grove City. I parked behind this noble automobile, not knowing whose it was. Then when I went inside my dad asked me what I thought of the possibly-new car. It is a 2003 Grand Marquis with only 19,000 miles and he might be able to get it for $16,000. I told him he could buy it for me if mom didn't want it! That seems like an amazing deal for this thing! Of course, my mom is iffy about the whole thing. The first thing she said was "it's an old folks car!" and i said "NO MOM! THIS THING WILL TAKE BULLETS!!!! BULLETS!" and it certainly will too. No only that, but it can fit up to four perps in the back and can house at least seven shotguns in the trunk. It's a rolling arsenal that will make Mr. T jealous! Of course my mom is iffy, because it would make us bad ass!

So we have until Friday to convince her to buy it. If not, we might end up getting a smaller car, which wouldn't be bad, especially if I could talk them into a VW or Volvo (those Germans make awesome cars). But this is one of my many dream cars, so I figure they should get it now and get it out of the way... either that or get me my VW Wagon or the Mach 5.