We need blood!

I had a remarkable, and moreso a dumbfounding, experience today. Now that I peaked your interest, time to PREFACE!

So I spent today relaxing. Sitting around, watching some movies and surfing the web. Okay, I didn't plan on doing this, but none of my friends were free, so I had no one to hang with. Plus it was freezing outside! When I woke up this morning, I found my long sought after videotape in the mailbox. No, it wasn't porn. And no it wasn't Taft's Greatest Bloopers. It was a Woody Allen movie of course! It was "Take the Money and Run", which was extremely hard to find. But now that brings ye old collection up to I think 34 Allen movies. ANYWAYS, so I watched that this morning, along with "Gigantic" the They Might Be Giants documentary.

But during this day, I received two phone calls. These two phone calls were from two different blood banks! Red Cross and Central. I can never tell if people are calling for me or my dad, since we share the same first name (but NOT the same middle name... snap!) but regardless of who they wanted, I told them "Mike Rubino is not here" This event brought me some concern because this isn't the first time they have called here. Usually a blood bank calls my house once or twice a week. Now apparently it has moved to twice a day.

There is obviously a blood shortage in Beaver County! This could have only been caused by one of three things: vampires, old person blood transfusions, or recreation.

Vampires have always been an agressive problem in Beaver County, hounding those who go out at night. That explains why there is nothing open, aside from Wal-Mart, past seven o'clock in the BC. There isn't a nightlife in Beaver County because of the damn vampires stalking through the night like my dad when he can't sleep. So these vampires, they love to drink blood. And if the movie "Blade the Vampire Hunter" has taught me anything, it's that vampires love to have raves. It's during these raves that they hook up Red Cross-collected blood to the fire sprinkler system, and turn them on during the dancing and grooved-love-making. That takes alot of blood, and obviously the Red Cross and Central Blood Bank need to beef up their security, or start taking blood from folks that are riddled with disease and give the vampires that blood.

Old Person Blood Transfusions could also be using up all of our blood. For most old people, they need these transfusions to stay alive. But then there are some... some who take it for granted. I know it sounds terrible, but its true. There are some elders out there who get transfusions just for the thrill of it. The thrill of having new, fresh life-juice flow through their tired and cold bodies really makes them happy. Is happiness worth wasting all this blood on people who don't really need it? Nope. That's why the blood banks and hospitals need to add some questions to their health surveys. Like "Are you SURE you need a transfusion?" and "Are you positive you need one?" and "Okay, lemme ask once more... you reeeeeally want one?" Because of older peoples' distaste for wasting time those questions will get rid of the riff raff.

Finally, recreation. 60 Minutes is about to break this story next week, but I found out about it too (through my own methods of interrogation and lawn care) and now I'm spreading the word. Nurses at the blood banks like to play games with the bags of blood. I know, it's disgusting. But its very very true. They play games like "Hot Bag of Blood" and "Spin the Bag of Blood" and "Rugby". While they are playing these seemingly harmless games, bags are being accidentally broken. Now instead of mopping up the blood and putting it back in a new bag, they just get rid of it (or leave it there to dry, and then peel it off, which seems to be much easier on their backs). This is something that has been going on for centures-- how do you think the "water balloon" was invented.. yeah they used blood first! We are pretty much at the mercy of these nurses when it comes to responsible use of the blood. But these strange and messy games could all be avoided with a good inner-office sports program.

Now I personally cannot give blood, due to the fact that I am ten pounds under the weight limit, and my dad gives blood about once a year. And still they will continue to call and bother us. Oh well, I will keep on shutting them down. I will not contribute to their vampire-bathing, old person-transfusing, rugby ways! No more!