Big Brother Hates Speed Limits

While traveling in Tiger (that's what I affectionately call my Mercury Cougar... oh the irony!) I have noticed many an oddity. But today I got to thinking, as I drove to pick up my mom for lunch, about two signs I have seen many many times:

"Speed Enforced Electronically" and "Speed Enforced by Aircraft".

The first of these two signs can be found going into the town of Beaver via Route 68. The second is seen on the Turnpike going to Irwin. Both not only boggle my mind, but they also make me extremely paranoid of "The Man."

Speed Enforced Electronically. That's some spooky shit. Think about it! There is a robot sitting underground, or even up on a telephone pole, with a radar gun. And if you drive even a tenth over the speed limit, the robot will whig out. Since he is a robot he can get angry about such a small fraction of illegal speed activity and he justified in pulling you over. And he's not about to let you off easy because you start crying. Robots have no feelings! They would just as soon murder 6 million Jews before letting you off with a warning. Don't believe me? Try em.

Sometimes its impossible to speed through this area. These "robo-cops," if you will, have these special magnets built into the streets, automatically slowing your car down to the speed limit. Of course, they magnets are rarely used anymore... ever since that one fateful day that a woman with an metal walker got stuck halfway in the street and was killed by a magnetized Swann's truck. It was even harder to get her body off of the street, due to her metal hip.

Speed Enforced by Aircraft. This is almost scarier than the robots. Sure, robots can chase you down and use magnets to slow you down. But aircrafts? They are nuts.

Airplanes, first off, can monitor your speed much further than a robot can. They are up in the air, and we all know robots can't fly... yet, and so therefore they could watch your entire trip without moving very far. They have those plans now that can hover... the hairier. And they also have those plans with adaptive camoflague bottoms, so they disappear! My God, these things are unstoppable. And if you get caught speeding, you can't escape. The planes follow you, so no matter how many barns you drive through, or how many plates of glass being carried by two glass-carriers you drive through, they will nab your ass! And then, they just shoot you anyways.

Airplanes can drop bombs. More bombs than Vanilla Ice could ever drop. Now, while Tiger is tough (she has driving on many lawns, railroad tracks, and hobo corpses) she can't take a MOAB dropped right on her Thundercats rip-off logo.

So please beware. If you are on the turnpike or driving into Beaver (stop snickering) then WATCH YOUR BACK. Big Brother is watching, and he has more than some boring reality show... he's got robots and airplanes. God forbid these robots should ever get inside the airplanes. That would be mass chaos.

Posted by MikeRubino at January 9, 2004 12:37 AM