Salute My Shorts... Somewhere

If anyone sees a guy running around with some moderately small/tight/uncomfortable gym shorts... tackle him and rip those shorts right off of him! Now I know you are probably a tad hesitant to do such a thing, especially to a guy who is probably twice your size and three times your strength. But you must, in the name of all that is fair and half-way decent! Because whoever is wearing those shorts...

stole them from me.

During my freshman year here at SHU, I have lost two whole pairs of shorts. I assure you, with the greatest of promises, that I'm not one to misplace articles of clothing, especially one so vital as shorts. These two pairs (one made out of "sweat" material, whatever that is called and one made out of silky stuff) were not "misplaced," I didn't "lend them out," and I didn't "drop them in a sewer grate and fail to retrieve them with a wire hanger." They were theived! Stolen right from under my nose! How could this have possibly happened? It's really quite simple.

Every evening, right before I hit the hay, I change into a pair of shorts and a wife-beater (or A Shirt, if you want to be politically correct... I, however, do not) and THEN go to sleep. In the morning I wake up and go get a shower before anything else. When I get to the shower, I stuff my underwear in my shorts, and then hang them both over the divider so they don't get sopping wet. Well once back in October, and once this week, I forgot to grab the shorts when I went back to my room. I suppose you to use this as proof to show that I am in fact human.

Anyways, it wasn't until much later that I realized I forgot my shorts in the shower. Usually that night. So, last Monday, when this happened, I ran back into the shower room to find my shorts. But, much to my dismay, they were gone. Someone stole them! Why would someone steal a pair of small gym shorts?! But here was the worst part: whoever the culprit was, he reached INSIDE of my shorts and pulled out my underpants and then, fulfilling his role as a bastard, tossed them into the puddle of virus-filled shower water that sits on the floor. This, of course, caused my underpants to become SOAKED, and therefore ruined. I don't trust that cesspool in front of the shower base... no sir.

Why would someone even want them? I can online imagine what the robber thought when he decided to take them:

Robber/Theif/Raider- GASP! Doth my eyes deceive me? Be these shorts hanging here amidst the steam and hair of the shower hall? They art! I shall take these shorts, and give them to my 3rd World child... I haven't the slightest idea who else would fit into such diminuitive trousers!

Yes, and that is my story... I am shortless. I am also the smallest guy on my floor, so my shorts would never fit on anyone else here. Then again, they could have thrown them out, but what would that accomplish?

Someday my shorts will return to me. Maybe I will walk into the shower and see them hanging where I once left them. Perhaps there will be a knock at my door, and when I open it I will find a basket with my shorts, swaddled in boxers. Or I will wake up one morning and be wearing them... wait, that would be weird. And scary.