Why Angry Mobs Never Work
When trouble arises, when disasters occur, when feces hits a fan, people band together. It's human nature for us to stick together in times of trouble, to work together in times of mystery, and to eat together in times of hunger. But is banding together the best way to solve a problem? Nope, not at all. Jumping in a group and making snap decisions is a sure-fire way to make yourself look like an ass. Now, this isn't a good thing, unless of course you are in a group who is performing Midsummer Night's Dream.
The reason I got thinking about the subject of mobs is because of an event that happened here at SHU last night. Something that reminded me why things like the KKK, lynch mobs, and unions are a bad thing.
"The Angry Mob" was first invented back in 33A.D. at the time when Christ was said to have been crucified. A group of men who didn't care for Jesus were all going to watch him be nailed to the cross. While they were all going to ride down on their donkeys separately, they decided to carpool. The group went to "The Place of the Skull" together, and along the way they got to talking. The group got angrier and angrier as they went, and by the time they got there, they were so furious with Jesus that they accused him of stealing the morning newspapers from their front porches. Of course Jesus didn't do this, but the mob's hasty jump to conclusions, combined with their blind rage and stupidity, made it logical for our Lord to do such a petty crime.
Mobs became very popular after that point, and were extremely prevalant in Eastern Europe during the dark ages. It was during this time that such liberal creatures as Dracula and Frankenstein and Alec Baldwin romed the lightening-framed hills of the country-side. During these fearful times, the townsfolk that lived in the villages at the base of the hills were always jumping to conclusions. Someone died of a heart attack- DRACULA DID IT! Someone couldn't find one of their socks in the dryer- FRANKENSTEIN! Someone just watched "The Juror"!- ALEC BALDWIN. And thus the villagers would band together, creating an angry agrarian mob, and marching on the hill with pitchforks and torches. But when they got up there, they were just met with an awkward, and embarassing situation:
Mob: We know you took Seirgei's sock from his dryer, Frankenstein! Give it back!
Frank: I don't have it... I don't even wear socks!
Mob: We are holding you accountable! That sock was at lease 40 shillings!
Frank: Why would I take a sock? Why wouldn't I just take Seirgei?
Mob: You took Seirgei!?
Seirgei: *raising hand* No... I'm right here..
Mob: Oh...
Frank: Can you leave me alone? I'm trying to watch "Monk"
Mob: Fine... but we aren't going to rest until you give us back the sock!
(A horse-drawn carriage rides up. A constable steps out)
Constable: Hold on! I found the sock which you seek! Seirgei left his dryer door open, and a rat crawled in the sock and ran away with it.
Mob: Oh...
Seirgei: Ew! Keep the sock!
And so, the mob dispersed, looking stupid. They didn't even apologize to Frankenstein, who remained bitter. The next night Frank came down into the town and woke everyone up with his Beetlejuice Rock and Roll show.
Why do mobs occur? And why are they usually terribly wrong? Well this mystery has alluded scientists and philosophers for years. My theory is that people feel powerful in numbers. They also convince themselves they are correct in their thinking because they have 5-20 people backing them. This hurts the reputation of all involved. Look what happened to George Lucas, who joined a mob during the filming of Star Wars Episode One; Stephen King, who's mob of editors ruined his career with Bag of Bones; and the Baldwins... hell, the entire family is a mob of morons.
I find it a little odd that we actually had a mob of angry athletes in my dorm last night... after all, we are ON a hill. Shouldn't the city of Greensburg be marching up our hill, with pitch forks and torches, demanding something. Hazard Yet Forward, Greensburg... watch out because we are too busy feuding with each other up here, we don't have time for your petty complaints.
Of course, this angry mob was quelled just as fast as it was formed. And the ending was exactly the same as what happened to the villagers of East Europe... yeah, that's right, a Beetlejuice Rock & Roll EXTRAVAGANZA!
Posted by MikeRubino at February 19, 2004 10:21 PM