Fighting Fire with Fines and Popcorn

As I was driving back to Seton yesterday evening, I had just turned on to College Ave when I heard the roar of firetrucks above the roar of my Transplants CD. I looked in my rear view window and saw three large red engines and an SUV barrelling towards me. I pulled over and let them pass, but I already knew where they were heading...

So I followed them, driving at a brisk pace, as if I was one of them. We were both going to the same place anyways... Havey.

Not a week goes by where the firetrucks don't come screaming up Mary Seton's windy hill. (You can decide how to define "windy" since both meanings apply.) I know what you are thinking: "Wow, there are a ton of fires on that campus! How can anything be standing?" or perhaps "Those liberal arts kids sure do like witch burnings." But you are wrong on both counts! You SHOULD be thinking "Damn, those kids need to learn how to use a microwave."

That's right... your tax-dollars are being used to fuel these firetrucks, and supply these firemen with up-to-date equipment so they can come to the rescue of a bunch of smelly college guys with some burnt popcorn or a propped open fire-exit. If I were you, I would ask for a refund. Or at least a ride on the cherry-picker.

It's really a shame that there are so many fire alarms going off on campus. And while most of them are thanks the fine residents of Animal House er... I mean, "Havey", there have been alarms going off in Canevin and Lowe. The reasons for these fire alarms vary, but I have already mentioned a few of them.

The biggest cause, and by far the most idiotic, is the burnt popcorn. For some reason, no one can figure out how long to put popcorn in the microwave. What's worse is the fact that the microwavs have "Popcorn" buttons on them, that nuke the corn perfectly. So, why don't these use the button? Well, I can think of two very good reasons: 1) people brought their popcorn from 1952, back when it was put in aluminum trays. 2) there is a quiet revolt against "The Man" and conformity going on... so people aren't going to let Him win by pressing his confining "Popcorn" button.

The second cause is the alarmed fire exit on the side of Havey. This door shouldn't be alarmed, because it is perhaps the most convient door on campus. It leads right to the parking lot outside of the dorm! But, because it is alarmed, every time someone decides to open it it's like saying the secret word in Pee Wee's Playhouse. This door isn't used by the men in the dorm very much. But those rascally girls who want to sneak out of here sure do like to use it. It's a nice to announce to EVERYONE that you are leaving. Of course, sometimes you don't even have to open the door for the alarm to go off. Any pressure in that hallway (which would be caused by other doors opening) will cause the door to become ajar and agitated.

Wow, the more I write about this, the more I feel like I'm living in a WWII-torn Poland, what with the screaming alarms and burnt popcorn smell.

Anyways, a fire alarm which involves the fire department usually ties them up for a good fifteen to twenty minutes. They have to drive up here from wherever the station is in downtown Greensburg, find a place to park, go to the building where the alarm is sounding, realize we are all schmucks, slowly turn around and drive down the hill... defeated. Meanwhile, there are houses and buildings blazing, cats stuck in trees, and parades without guys with suspenders tossing candy. I don't even want to think about how many people's houses have burned down to the ground because of Seton Hill's love for loud noises and dalmations. I'm sure it's more than you think.

Now I don't really mind getting out of bed in the middle of the night and marching down to the courtyard in my robe and slippers. It's kind of a funny situation to see everyone half awake and pissed off-- everyone except for the culprit, who is standing in the corner with a bag of popcorn saying "This is bullshit."

But hey, I'm glad that there aren't any real fires up here on the Hill. That wouldn't be cool at all. I am content with the occasional alarm, and the Tom Jones version of Burning Down the House. (Which is good, but not superior to the Talking Heads version).