Hamster on the Lamb

So I get home from the premier of Kiwani Step Outside (which went extremely well, thank you very much) and I find my kitchen to be filled with bottles of cleaning products. They are all sitting on the counter, the floor, and in the sink. Below the sink, where the cleaning products are kept, the cupboards are open and they are empty inside. Sitting in the middle of the floor is an odd makeshift staircase leading to a bucket. Stewn about the room are small yogurt balls. These tasty treats aren't normally consumed by the humans in the house (although my friend ate one on New Year's Eve once) they are eaten by... the hamster.

I barely had time to comprehend what was happening when my dad walked in the kitchen to explain.

Hampton was on the loose.

By the way, Hampton is my brother's hamster. He's been a member of the family for over a year now. He is a lazy, fat hamster that lives in his own fecal matter (so basically, he is a computer programmer). As far as I can recall, he has only really escaped once or twice. The most memoral time was when he used his brute strength to topple his plastic cage, shattering it, and run loose around the house for an entire afternoon. We weren't home at the time, of course, so don't start thinking this was like a weird Benny Hill chase scene. Because it wasn't. But other than that, Hampton hasn't caused us much trouble (aside from making his corner of our computer room smell like the Havey lavatory)

My dad explained to me that the previous evening, while I was out galavanting around Beaver County, my brother was showing Hampton off to some of our relatives. After this little exhibition, Danny put Hampy back in his cage (which is currently a tall, metal wire cage) and closed the door. He forgot, however, to put the small clamp on the door, which keeps Hampton from pushing it open. Because Danny loves Hampton so much, he didn't realize, let alone look at the cage, that Hampy was gone. Gone daddy gone. And so this sinister vermin has been running amok around the house for over 24 hours, and we have no clue as to his whereabouts. There is a theory being developed by my brother (who has recently proven to my parents that he is a better investment than I because he got a 4.13 GPA as a freshman in high school). Danny says: "He is inside of the walls!"

Apparently, when sitting at our computer desk, you can hear scratching and gnawing coming from inside of the wall. Now I haven't heard this supposed ruckus, but according to my dad, Danny is sure he's in there. I don't know how he would have gotten into our wall, it's not like we have a Tom and Jerry mousehole sitting next to our basement door. But my dad's fear is that Hampton will die while inside of the wall (like in that Poe story) and then his rotting, yet adorable, animal body will attract more rodents to the house, or just create a hideously stinky wall. That sucks!

Here is my theory:
-Hampton, finding himself all alone on a Friday night, decided that it was time to "live la vida loca" and broke free. Realizing that there were no "hamster raves" in the Rubino house, he decided to take out his anger on all of us. And so, he will slowly (because he can't exactly go 'fast') hunt down and murder everyone in the house. First, he will go after Danny, who has neglected him ever since he realized that Hampton in a ball wasn't as fun as Super Monkey Ball. Then he will kill me, mainly because I insisted on calling him a "party animal" every time he got in his plastic ball. My dad will be the next to go, because Dad wants nothing to do with this hamster (who is probably a unitarian). My mom will probably be spared, mainly because (like a good mother should) she took him in when Danny didn't want him. She cared for him, and she talked to him, and she fed him. Then Hampton will marry my mom, and the two will live in our house and be happy forever...

I will be sleeping with one eye open tonight!

But honestly, who knows where this hampster is. He could be anywhere in the whole house, and he could be pooping where ever he is right now... that pinko! If I am lucky, one of two things will happen:

1) He will accidently crawl into my duffle bag and come back to SHU with me. Then, he will crawl out and scurry into the dank, smelly depths of Havey. He will eventually get wasted and fined by the campus police (because they love to do that)

2) He will die from starvation. And hopefully, he will die in the middle of the kitchen, so we don't have to go to great lengths to get rid of the corpse.

Well, I will keep you updated on the condition. I wouldn't be surprised if we never heard from this wiley rodent ever again. He is probably riding off into the sunset, waving his adorably small cowboy hat, and yelling out some off-color humor. Hampton, you were a good pet, and a crappy man.

Posted by MikeRubino at April 4, 2004 1:09 AM