How to Peel an Orange

Feeling fruity? How about eating an orange? They are not only a great source of some vitamins and other crap, they are also the only fruit named after a color... or a color named after a fruit. Chicken, egg, whatever! Throw away those lude and suggestive fruits (banana, pear, Elton John, etc...) and pull out some Florida Oranges! It's time to peel!

Step One- Preparation.
You will need the following items, depending on what you plan on doing with the orange:
1. Oranges, lots of them in case you are hungry or if you mess it up.
2. Two bowls, one to peel them over and one to put them in. It's important to peel them over a bowl because when you screw up and smash it (accidentally) you at least can drink its sweet sweet magic juice.
3. A knife, room key, spoon, mallet (if you plan on peeling the orange in a Gallagherian style), or a fruit crowbar.
4. Napkins, wet naps, and paper towels
5. Kabalevsky's classical ballad "Gallop" playing on repeat in your CD player
6. First Aid kit, just in case things get out of hand

Step Two- Getting dirty
Alright, so now it's time to get to work. The first thing you should do is get out an orange. Once you have the orange firmly in your grasp, grab your utensil for ripping this mother a new one. It could be anything from a knife, a room key (which I have used before), a spoon, a letter opener, a GIJoe with kung-fu grip, whatever your fancy. Here is what is going to happen: you are going to attack this orange. Kick its dimpled ass!

I recommend a few different methods of attack. One way is to sneak up on it, Sam Fischer-style. Hide in the shadows, and when it's not looking, you slip your knife around it and slice it in half. You could also take the "You Only Live Twice" approach and drop down from the ceiling. Another favorite is to pretend its a crazy attaching dog or hamster. Hold it at your face and just throw it on the ground. Do this enough and the sour, poisonous skin will begin to flake off. Yelling makes this process go a lot faster. Sometimes I like to sit my orange on the counter and try to cut it with my sharp wit... Unfortunately the orange has never even heard of Kierkegaard.

Step Three- Post-Tearing It a New One
Once you have put the orange in its place, its time to get the rest of the rind off of that thing. This is the make or break point for eating this orange. If you mess this up, you might as well take the orange and throw it at your neighbor's car and start over. I have often messed up an orange by improperly peeling off its skin. Sometimes you peel too deep, which causes the orange to pretty much explode with sweet nectar. Sometimes you don't go deep enough, which causes your orange slices to be more sour than an Emo singe.

I recommend saying a short prayer over your orange, asking God to wish you luck in your future fruit endeavor. "Oh Lord, please bless this sweet sweet Orange, which has been flown in from Florida just for the special event which I am about to perform. Watch over me, guide my hands, and let me be able to enjoy this heavenly piece of fruit. Thank you for not making oranges forbidden in the Garden of Eden, otherwise I could be praying over a plantain right now. Amen." Once that is finished, and you feel confident in your abilities, dig your filthy black fingernails into the orange, and peel away its basketball-like surface. Once you are finished, you will be left with a white spongy ball of delicious!

Step D- Gotta Keep Em Separated
Depending on what type of orange you get, this could be very easy. If you are keen on technology and messing with God's master plan, and you bought one of those genetically engineered oranges, then you don't really have to worry about a pit or seeds. You just pull the sucker apart like its a chocolate... orange. If you do have a pit, then you have to rip the orange in half vertically (trust me, ripping it in half horizontally is just a mistake.) and take out the center. Then the rest of the pieces should come apart.

Place each piece in the other bowl. Don't just stand there at your kitchen counter or breakfast nook and eat the orange as you peel it. First off, that leaves a big mess to clean up, and your hands will gradually become stiff thanks to the sticky juice from the orange. This can be dangerous if you have to use a rotary phone or get canned into a impromptu thumb wrestling match. After you clean up everything, then you can eat the oranges while sitting somewhere pleasant.

Step 5- Clean up
All that's left to do now is clean everything up! I recommend feeding everything to a pet or small child. If you have neither of those, then find a fireplace. Once you get to a nice fireplace, turn off all of the lights in the room, allowing the evil glow of the flames to light the room. Then toss the contents of the scrap bowl into the fire. If the bowl means nothing to you, then throw it in as well. Make sure you let out a maniacal laugh as you do this, making sure that everyone passing through the room know you mean business.

Step 6- Enjoy
Eat up, my friend. You have accomplished great things this day! The horoscope was correct, your parents are proud of you, and you actually did something with more honesty than a Michael Moore documentary. Oranges are a wonderful fruit/juice and now that you know how to peel them yourself you can be a king amongst the mice!

Give a man a peeled orange and he eats for a few minutes. Tell him to peel an orange and he'll be busy for at least 20 minutes.

Posted by MikeRubino at May 3, 2004 12:50 AM