Beaver County is on the Map Again!

I like to think that I live in a pretty awesome county here in the good old Key Stone State. For those of you who have never experienced the BC, I would definitely advise that you check it out. We are truly a close-knit community, with towns no more than 5 minutes from each other. Slightly outside of Pittsburgh, it's not quite a suburb, it's not farm country. That being said, Beaver County has had way more than its fifteen minutes of fame. We have been in the news so much over the years, that it's kind of like that guy you used to know in high school. You know, the one who you hear random things about from time to time. Sometimes they are good, sometimes they are bad... and it always seems to come out of the blue. Each time you hear it you are like "Beaver County? Oh! Beaver County!"

And that's what I'm talking about here. Because yes, we are in the news again...

If you are one of the millions of America who is hooked on reality television (like the rest of my family) then you may have been following the recent season of Survivor: Survivor All-Stars. On Survivor All-Stars has been Beaver County's own Amber Brkich. She was originally on the second Survivor season (which took place in Africa), which brought some fame to Beaver County. However, if you watched the finale tonight (which I caved in and watched, mainly because I was hoping she would give a shout to the BC) you know that she won the big million.

Unfortunately, CBS has insisting on saying that she is from Pittsburgh. This seems to always happen to us in BC. Sure we live 45 minutes away from what was once one of the most important steel cities in the nation, but is it really so hard to say "Beaver"? And no, she didn't give a shout out like we had hoped. On the other hand, her parents were on the reunion show, which was more entertaining than the entire season, that followed the finale. They happen to be friends with my parents... so I suppose that was kinda cool. And in the end, she not only won the big bugs, and kinda made herself out to be sound like a Survivor-whore ("I was going to flirt with everyone!"), but she got engaged on national television. Let's hope the wedding is in the county!

So like I said, this probably isn't the first time you have seen Beaver County in the news. The degree of awesomeness has varied from case to case:

-First there is Donny Iris. Yeah he was hailed as a Pittsburgh band, but I swear to you he hails from Beaver County! Right now he works in Aliquippa. I know the guy personally (he's awesome, by the way) and he always attends Cellar Dweller shows. He had a couple awesome songs that really put him on the charts (see "Love is Like a Rock").

-Dusty Drake. Apparently there is a country music singer by the name of Dusty Drake, and he used to live in Monaca, Beaver County. I've never met the guy, and I've actually never even heard of him... the only reason I know this is because a local radio station hung a bright, ugly banner over Monaca's main street telling me so. My mom, who is on the town development board, wasn't too happy.

-Joe Namath, the famous NY Jets quarterback from Super Bowl III and whatnot. He went to Beaver Falls High School, and his brother used to live around the block from my house!

-Shane "The Franchise" Douglas, a professional wrestler who was with WCW, WWF, and ECW is straight from Beaver County. In fact, I seem him all over the place, and every time I see him I have the strange urge to smash a chair over his back. Of course, he is always with his children, which could present an awkward situation.

-And of course, the most important and popular thing to come out of Beaver County: HEPATITIS A! That's right, I've been to the Chi Chi's that started all of this mess. Infecting hundreds of people, killing a handful! And it all started in Beaver County. It's we made national news with that story, and I tell ya, things got crazy around here. All of the restaurants in the area lost business for a while, everyone had to go to the local community college to get their blood checked, and I started licking the door handle of that infamous Mexican Restaurant, hoping to get me a slice of that Hep-A-Pie. (Well not that last part, but everything else is true).

Now we have Amber. And who knows what will follow her... but, in my opinion along with others, the biggest crime so far is that in the past 7 years the Cellar Dwellers haven't made any big splash in the news. Oh well, give it time... or do something crazy like spread a disease or rumor!

I've never seen Amber in person. Although my parents, for some reason, went to her publicity day in the county and got their pictures taken with her. Those might be worth something in the future (everyone always says that, but you know what, no one sells anything...ever!) But I tell ya, I have a few things to say to her whenever I do finally see her around the county:

(Amber walks into Cafe Kolache while I am sitting there sipping some coffee. I stand up and throw my chair to the ground, flipping over the table I'm at)
Mike: THE TRIBE HAS SPOKEN!

That will certainly freak her out. And if it doesn't I can always scream things like "I VOTE YOU OUT OF HERE!" and "Hey, can you say something cool about my sketch comedy group so I can put it on all of our advertising?" I think a quote from her would look great right next to our prized quote from Donny Iris: "You guys are awesome!"

You hear that world? The man who wrote "The Rapper" says we are awesome! Take note! I have to go to a tribal counsel meeting to take down that Dusty Drake sign....

Posted by MikeRubino at May 10, 2004 12:26 AM