Joke-A-Day

For Christmas last year, I was given two desk calendars. And while I wasn't expecting either of them, and I have had a dirty habit in the past of forgetting to tear away the pages, forever making the date January 5th, they were both thoughtful presents. Both of which are terribly unfunny, and for different reasons. And yet, I had to pick the lesser of two evils...

It was between the "Joke-A-Day" calendar, which promised a hearty and clean joke every day of the year. Hot dog. The other was the oh so popular "Bush Speak" calendars. The Joke-A-Day calendar was given to me in all seriousness, and my Aunt really thought I would enjoy it. The Bush calendar was just to get me razzled. And so, looking at both of them, I decided to dedicate my year to the Joke-A-Day. And while the Bush calendar was probably a clever idea at the time, I would have much rather had the Bill Clinton Playboy Calendar.

And so the year began, and each day I tore off a page. After about a month, I realized something. This calendar is pitiful. It's not even a Joke-A-Week calendar! I really want to know who wrote these jokes, because they are worse than Carrot Top's act opening up for Pauly Shore. And sometimes, I don't even think these are real jokes. Once in a while they are just statements... sentences telling me that someone just did something for some reason. To a blind, illiterate man that would be hilarious... maybe.

As the year progresses, they are getting worse and worse. I think the last Joke-A-Day page is going to be a death threat or an obituary. I'm waiting for some time in November to have an excerpt from Tuesdays With Morrie as one of the jokes. Here are some honest examples:

Saturday, May 22
Moe: Why did you fire your masseuse?
Joe: Because she rubbed me the wrong way.
(That is not a joke! That is an honest reason for firing a masseuse... come on!)

Tuesday, May 25
Moe: That Stupid Steve is even stupider than I thought.
Joe: What did he do?
Moe: After he had a delicious meal at that new restaurant, he had the waiter send his condiments to the chef.
(First off, who is this Stupid Steve... is he a running character? And are you sure this isn't an excerpt from the Bush calendar?)

Thursday, May 27
Not Found in Webster's: Toupee: A teepee made of synthetic hair.
(I think I'm going to spend Thursday, May 27th writing hate mail to Workman Publishing for making this God-awful calendar.)

Saturday, June 12
Why did the brunette fall out the window? She was ironing curtains.
(Wait... did they just tell a blonde joke, but insert a brunette instead? You can't do that! Brunettes are supposed to be smart... what are they thinking?)

Sunday, September 19
Moe: I feel exhausted
Joe: Why's that?
Moe: I was standing behind a bus.
(Okay, so now Moe is going to die from inhaling so much exhaust into his lungs... These two seems to be buddies or something, since they are telling these lame one-liners every week. Can someone get Moe or Joe a girlfriend?)

Enough of this... maybe someday they will revoke America's right to freedom of speech. I wouldn't be very upset about that if it means that calendars like this won't be made ever again. And yet, I find myself laughing every day at this calendar, so I guess it's working! It's a reverse psychology calendar, they tell you it's going to be funny, and it's so UN-FUNNY that it's hilarious.

Please, Gay Larson... make me a new calendar.

Posted by MikeRubino at May 21, 2004 12:31 AM