The Future According to Double Dragon the Movie

ALERT! The world is going to be in for a great big change in the next three years, and I really wanted to warn everyone. I stumbled upon a gift from the future last night... a VHS tape that has travelled back through time to warn us. That cassette tape was titled "Double Dragon, the Movie"

According to this message from God, there is going to be a "big quake" in the year 2006 in Los Angeles. After the quake, the world will become a deadly place overrun by street gangs. Los Angeles will become "New Angeles." But that's only the beginning!

The gangs are going to take over the night. So go to all of the drive-in movies you can handle now, because soon the government will create a curfew that kicks in at dusk! A deal will be made with the law enforcement agencies, so that the cops won't bother the gangs, and the gangs won't bother the cops as long as they only come out in their appropriate halves of the day. However, if you happen to be outside past the curfew... well the gangs will charge you $50 to pass. Yeah, they aren't that scary. Oh but the future gets worse!

Our news stations will be run by out of work celebrities. That's right, like Vanna White and Andy Dick. Why? Well I have no idea, the video didn't explain it. But throughout our lives, whenever something gets boring, the news station will interrupt and explain what is going on. Oh, and cars will no longer be fueled by gasoline. They instead will run on garbage that you will feed into the dashboard like a coal locomotive.

And everyone will love bloodsports. Way more than Americans do right now. I mean we will really LOVE bloodsports. Underground fights, mainly involving black belt tag teams, will take place all over the place. Everyone goes to these events, stands and pumps their fists while the four men fight at the bottom of a pit. No one bets money, and no one really cares who wins, as long as people are fighting.

Big bodies of water are going to become so polluted that we refer to them as "liquid death" and they will catch on fire faster than Cleveland's river did years ago. Is this video telling us that our pollution is going to get out of control? Not really. What it is telling me, is that me and my brother can possibly be the saviors of the free world because we know kung fu, we can fight off hundreds of nameless thugs, we can battle some guy who looks like T-1000 with a flat top, and we can make wise cracks while giving each other double-high-fives. Yeah, we can do it, and we can be heroes.

Don't believe me? Incidentally enough, you can RENT this view of man's future at your video store. It's called Double Dragon... the movie. Oh, I assure you it's worth a look.