A Misadventure of Po-Dunk Proportions

For being a pretty unexciting, tame dude I sure do go on alot of weird adventures. Sure these adventures aren't in the same category as Indiana Jones and that baby from Baby's Day Out, they are a different sort of adventure. And I certainly had a different sort of adventure last night. Need I say more than "It was my buddy's 18th birthday"? Well, since most of you would assume we went to some sort of filthy strip club, then yes I do need to say more... we instead went to two filthy states, stopping at three filthy dance clubs, and in the end winding up 2 minutes from my house at an Eat n Park.

Alright, this story is going to take some "prefacing." My buddy Pops (thats his nickname... don't think I'm hanging out with some 70 yr old, and learning some valuable life lessons before he dies quietly) turned 18 last night, and so me and Brett, another friend of mine, decided to take him out for a night on the town. There are a bunch of things you can do when you turn 18. You can get into strip clubs, as previously mentioned; you can drive after midnight; you can buy lottery tickets and cigarettes, or cigars if that's your fancy; and you can get into 18+ clubs. Not really wanting to do any of the other options, we decided to take Pops to an 18 and over dance club. Of course, I've never been to one of these clubs either ("tearing it up" on the dance floor and "getting jiggy wit it", if you can't tell, is not really my forte). But Brett had been to one or two in his lifetime, we thought we could give it a try.

Skipping to the meat of the story, because there is alot of backstory to this, we decided to go and check out three different clubs in this weird tri-fecta area of the state, where PA, WV, and OH all meet to make PAWVOH. It's about 45 minutes away, via Rt68. I got some Mapquest directions and we set out in Brett's black Cav.

The first place we spent considerable time in was East Liverpool, which is directly across the river from WV. When we arrived in this weird Ohio town, we found that they were having a huge festival (something I had been warned about by one of my many informants). We arrived as hundreds of people were gathering to watch some fireworks. So, we joined them. The three of us walked around the old, yet still nice, downtown area of E.Live (as I liked to call it) and saw the longest, slowest, and calmest fireworks spectacle in ages. The kicker was when one of the carnies screamed "West Virginia is shooting fireworks at us again!" We hung around there, located the first club (located on the Kent State E.Live campus, it was called the University Club), and just enjoyed the festival atmosphere, which reeked of horse manure and hot sausage.

The plan was to scope out the clubs, see who goes in and out, and then make an educated decision as to which one we would go to. Some of you may think this "stupid" and "dorky" but I think it as "smart" and "cautious" not to mention it saves you the 5-10 bucks it costs to get in to see if it's worth it. And so after keeping a keen eye on the U-Club, we decided that it wasn't worth our time. No one had really gone "in" and about 15 people had gone out. Not a good sign. So we did the unthinkable... we got in the car and drove across the bridge into WEST VIRGINIA.

Can I just say (and this may offend anyone from WV, but it's all true) there is a distinct change in atmosphere the moment you enter that state. Just as we were crossing US30 west, going over the Ohio River, you can just feel the air turn weird. Everything gets a tad darker, you suddenly get goose-bumps, and all you can hear in the back of your head is some banjo/shotgun combo that sort of sounds like "Po-dunk."

And so we drove the 5 minutes on US30 until we got to The Colosseum. Let me tell you, this place holds none of the grandeur that the Roman stadium of the same name holds. It's more of a weird neon-lit square building on a gravel hill. Well, we weren't going to judge any books by their dilapidated covers, so we pulled in and went to the door. There were a handful of cars in the parking lot, so assuming each one was filled to capacity, this place would be hopping. Of course, that wasn't the case. We waited outside for a few moments until a group of people came out laughing.

Brett- Hey what's it like in there? Alot of people?
Guy- Ha! No way.

Well that was good enough for us. But what did that leave? We were not about to give up our quest to show Pops a good time. Of course, we did acknowledge the fact that we had been having a great time nonetheless. And so there was one more idea... this silly under 21 club called "The Edge."

The Edge (located in back PA, near the Pgh airport) has a reputation amongst most people as really sucking rump. Yeah, I said rump, got a problem? But what other choice did we have? And so we got back on 30 and headed towards beautiful Pennsylvania. About 40 minutes later, we arrived in Moon Twp. and began looking for this club. Pops was the only one who really knew where this place was, and after a few u-turns in a few parking lots, we made it there at 12:10. Only to find, of course, that they are open from 7:30-midnight. What the hell kind of club was this?

And so we had exhausted all of our options. If we were dead set on "clubbing" it up, we would have to go to Pittsburgh... but who does that? It's not like we were trying to pick up chicks or get wasted or anything. So, laughing all the way there, we decided to go back to Beaver County and hit up Eat n Park. Of course we were terribly out of breath from laughing for 35 minutes, but you know how that goes.

All was not lost, however. While at EnP, we told our waitress about Pops' birthday, and all of the tired and cranky servers gathered and sang him some weird army-drill-birthday-song while giving him some sticky buns al a mode with a candle. The evening sort of came full circle at that point, we finished our food and headed home.

Who knows if we are going to try a club again. We talked about trying again another weekend, perhaps going to Pittsburgh instead of hicksburgh. I know for a fact that clubs aren't my scene... but in the same sense, I know my friends, and dammit nothing stops us from having fun.

Posted by MikeRubino at June 20, 2004 1:33 PM