The Origins of the Greek-Catholic Union

Every three months I get a check for sixty bucks in the mail. This money is mine to do whatever I please with (including spend it on throngs of hookers... since 60 bucks goes that far.) And at the top of every check it says "The Greek-Catholic Union." I decided one afternoon, to ask my dad where these mysterious checks are coming from.

He told me, "It's a fund that I put money in to. You put so much money into the Greek-Catholic Union, and they send you a check for the interest your money collects. Then, whenever you want the money back you can have it."

Hold the phone... you are saying that if you give these Greek-Catholics a few thousand bucks to hold for you, you get what is basically free money for as long as you want? And you can stop whenever you want? To me, this sounds like some sort of Columbia House web of lies. Sure it sounds great, but do I have a to buy five Vatican gyros before I can get my money back... and an Ace of Base CD because there is a surplus. But no, there isnt! So I got to wondering, how did this absolutely amazing collaboration come about, and why are they so dammed generous?!

After doing a bit of research in a 1987 Encyclopedia Britannica, I found an interesting story. It appears that they have been together for centuries now! At first no one thought the two would work out, they were too different... but in the end they are a perfect couple.

Greek was a sort of introverted kind of religion. It didn't have a whole lot of friends, but it did have a whole lot of gods. And if you've ever met a polytheistic religion, you know they are a little loco. So Greek used to work at this coffee shop, just serving coffee and cleaning the tables at the end of the night. Out of all of the folks working at this show, Greek was sort of the ugly duckling. It had the side-burns and the hairy arms, you know the type.

Catholic was a high-powered, popular religion. It owned pretty much everything in the area, and really had it's act together. It wore a suit, had a slick haircut filled with the finest pomade, and smelled of sweet, sweet incense. Catholicism was a tad confusing at times, what with the three-in-one theory, but man it was popular. And every day, it got a triple-latte at a certain Greek coffee shop, Starbuckapopolous.

Greek and Catholic would exchange glances and friendly smiles, acknowledging each others' existence, but nothing more. That is, until one day when Catholic saw something in Greek... maybe it was the hair on the side of Greek's cheeks that wrapped below the ears. Perhaps it was the interesting smell of lamb that emanated from its mouth. Perhaps it was Greek's baklava, which were exquisite. Whatever it was, it caused Catholic to talk to Greek:

C- So, how's work?
G- Good... pretty busy.
C- Oh. So, uh, have you seen History of the World Pt. 1 before?
G- No, but I love Mel Brooks.
C- Oh! Well it's playing in the park tonight. Would you like to go?
G- I would to!

And so they decided to go out. Their first date was a little awkward at times, but overall it was a good time. They had this uncanny ability to just let go and have a good time. Catholic brought out a side Greek didn't even know it had. It was a very Orthodox side indeed. Of course, there were some rocky moments, like when Greek made mention to Hermia springing from Zeus' forehead (or thigh, depending on translation). And when Catholic tried to explain to Greek why euthanasia isn't so hot. But overall, Greek said it would like to go out again sometime.

Their views and lifestyles were so different. But they overcame adversity and found each other. The Greeks. The Catholics. A truckload of gods. Three persons in one God. Together, they have formed a Union. Beautiful, and fruitful relationship that will forever spawn great interest rates and member benefits that dwarf those of Columbia House.