Sunday Un-funnies

I rarely read the Sunday Comics anymore. It seems as if the only reason I pick up the Sunday paper is to dig out the Best Buy and Circuit City ads. Today, however, I flipped open the comics to see if there was something to tickle my funny bone. Upon opening up these friendly and colorful pages, I found my "funnies" not where I left them... and all that was left was a husk of their former illustrious selves. A very boring, idiotic, and goofy husk indeed.

The comic strips nowadays, both the "classics" that still remain and the new-wave ones, are neither extremely hilarious nor adorable (two things they aspire to be). There are some exceptions to this rule, mainly Dilbert and the weekday edition of Non Sequitur, and I'm sure there are different ones that please you. But let me just speak of a few of the really crappy comics that are filling my newspaper.

First off, Garfield. I know you are probably saying "But Mike, he's a classic! A fat cat that eats lasagna!" But Garfield hasn't been funny for years now. He is merely riding on the fumes of his former fame. The strips nowadays are just Garfield being a smartass, and not in the cute way... Plus, all credibility Garfield held is now out the window after that awful movie.

Doonsbury is basically a long, liberal essay with pictures. In today's strip, the characters featured in it didn't even say anything! Instead, narration from a television you don't even see filled 50% of every panel with anti-Bush whining. Of course, I've never liked Doonsbury.

There are a handful of new comics appearing in today's papers, and none of them are any good. There is a strip called "Helen, Sweetheart of the Internet," which is supposed to be a tech savvy Kathy. The strip is awful, poorly drawn, and is sort of weird to even look at. You can't really mix drawings with computer images... it just looks off. Then there is "Get Fuzzy," a strip that looks more like an indy comic book than a humorous toon. The episode I read today had a dog writing a letter to Ray Charles, folding it into a paper airplane, and sending it out to sea. Huh? Why the hell did he do that? Why the hell is he writing a letter to Ray Charles? And then there is the worst of the new strips, "The Mullets." As if the poor, humiliated rednecks of this country don't have enough to be upset about (they already have Jeff Foxworthy and "King of the Hill" making them look bad), they now have this cartoon which capitalizes on the foundations the Blue Collar Comedy Tour set in this country.

But how could I complete a rant about the State of the Funny Pages without mentioning the most abhorred and wimpy strip of them all... "Family Circus." What the heck is going on with this strip? It's always been kinda lame, but I remember years ago when it at least had a little class. Nowadays they dedicate an entire strip to one of the kids sitting on a log thinking about his grandmother. Or maybe I can begin my morning by reading about the Dad sitting at work thinking about his kids. Even better... I can read an episode about the mom feeling guilty for sleeping with the mailman. (I wish.) "Family Circus" is a strip that only a mom or a sentimental old person could love.

There used to be a time in my life when I wanted to make comic strips for a living. And while at school I actually do have my own comic strip in the Setonian... but I would really appreciate it if someone would just punch me if they ever see my cartoon lowering itself to the level of "Family Circus." Next year, I will try not to have a strip where me and the guys are sitting there feeling bad about not taking up our trays in the cafeteria.

Give me classic Ziggy, Far Side, Calvin and Hobbs, and Dilbert anyday.