Cruisin' for a Bruisin'

In what will probably be the first of many posts about my upcoming family vacation (aka "The Climax of this Falling Action of a Summer"), I would like to take a moment and talk about what I will be doing for the next week. Starting on Sunday (although I'm leaving Saturday) I will be living on a boat for a whole week. This giant, unsinkable, titanic ship will be leaving from Baltimore Maryland and heading down to the Caribbean. I can't wait to get my fair share of 3rd World, tourist leeching islands that pollute the already drug-filled crystal clear waters off the coast of America's Wang. But don't get me wrong, I can't wait!

They offer alot of really great things on this giant boat of ours... like an ice rink and a casino! I tell ya, there is nothing like skating on ice while cutting through the hot Atlantic Ocean. And since we are on "international waters" (the scourge of American society) that means I can gamble and rent cars at Hertz. While I don't think I'll be renting any cars while on the water, I will gamble away all of my savings at a game called Texas Hold Em (which to me sounds more like a weird hazing ritual or an obscure sexual position). I fully plan on suiting up in a tux and pretending I'm James Bond while in the casino. I can't remember a movie where he was stuck on a cruise ship the whole time, but I'm sure there has been a second rate novel about it.

While on this boat, food is free but drinks cost an arm and a leg. And while I only have so many arms and legs, I have plenty of room for free food. There is a 24 hour pizza bar (because there is nothing us Italian Americans like more than pizza), a bevy of meals each day, and then some formal Captain's dinners or something. I think that means the captain is going to stop driving the ship long enough to make us some Easy Mac. All I know is that while these Cap. dinners are going on, I have to dress up in a suit (an occasion I always look forward to) and pretend to be civilized. Let's hope this doesn't require me to eat the crust off of bread...

Since I am talking about the boat so much, I find it important to mention that also on the boat, aside from a skating rink and a casino, there are a number of dance clubs, swimming pools, and duty free stores. There is an indoor atrium, a gigantic auditorium, and a library. The library interests me greatly. I want to know how they keep track of my late fees, or if its even possible to get them while on the ship. You have to renew your library book every four hours or they charge you a dime. I just want to meet these librarians, who are forever enslaved to categorize books on the open seas. If I were ever a pirate, I would definitely want to be the librarian on the pirate ship.

But going on vacation comes at a cost. It's causing me to miss a few things, that I'm sure I will forget about once I'm en-route to the big boat, but still they weigh on my mind currently. Firstly is the last performance of our current Cellar Dweller show ("Sam Spade or Neutered"). Because I will miss it, Josh Knopp has been my understudy and will take over for me in my absence. Not that big of a deal. But the other thing I'm missing is: the They Might Be Giants concert in Pittsburgh. They are coming the 25th, the day my ship sets sail, and before I knew the exact date I was fully planning on going. As you know, they are my favorite band of all time, and I've seen them twice before. What an opportunity, one that I will now have to miss because I will be having fun in the sun. But oh well, like I said, I get to go on a boat.

My parents even said I could pick out a book to bring... so I went to the store and, based on a recommendation from a friend, picked up "The Screwtape Letters" by C.S. Lewis. I will also be taking with me "The Power and the Glory" by Graham Greene. (This paragraph was for all you English majors that read my blog.)

That's about all my thoughts on the boat for now. I will provide more as the time comes. Internet access on the boat is like a dollar a minute or something, so I doubt I will be making any posts that week. As long as it's not a gay boat, like that Cuba Gooding Jr. movie, I'll be fine.