Thank You, Peanut Gallery

I don't think I will ever understand the small bubbling urge that makes people feel like they can say anything to complete strangers. It doesn't really matter where you are at, although this phenomenon is most prevalent at restaurants and amusement parks for some reason, there is always someone around who thinks they can make a quick joke on your behalf. And while I, in a way, admire these loudmouths for their gutsy attitude and carefree take on things, they really annoy me in their insistence on making me look and feel dumber than I may appear.

In case you have never experienced this before, let me elaborate. Any time you are out and a about, and you do something (this can be either good or bad, but in most cases comments spring from the embarrassing bad actions), there is quite often someone around to comment on your actions. They don't just comment to themselves, they tell you to your face, they say it loud enough so that any passerby can hear it, any family member, any impressionable person. Who are the culprits of these crimes against humanity? Well normally it's men between the ages of 30 and 50, most of the time they are married. Why do these men do this? Because they want to get a laugh, for the good of their spouse and themselves.

For some reason, these folks love to throw their comments at me. I guess I'm the perfect target for us jokes. I'm little, easily bullied, and I'm sort of quiet around strangers or strange people. But I swear if I had a nickel for every time some stranger thought it would be funny to make me look like an ass... well I would have enough money to buy a comically large bat to smack them in the head with.

Perfect example: last Saturday. After helping my mom organize the Riverfest 5K Walk & Run (an event that can only be described as "mild") I went to breakfast at the Whitehouse -- Point of clarification, the Whitehouse is a local diner in Monaca, not a government building in Washington D.C.

The Whitehouse is on the main street of Monaca, which is a fairly busy street. But because I like to make a fool of myself while pushing my driving abilities to their breaking point, I decided to parallel park. I'm a pretty good // Parker, considering thats all I ever do in my neighborhood, but I also break under pressure. I pulled up, started going in reverse, but I botched the first cut (which screws up the whole park job) and hit the curb. Traffic was slowly building up behind me as my hands began to clam up. I pulled forward determined to save it. After about 5 minutes and 10 shifts of my car, I finally got in the spot, exhausted and embarrassed. But I was ready to forget about it.

I got out of the car and put a nickel in the parking meter. That's when one of the waitresses stuck her head out of the restaurant and said "You don't need to put money in the meter today."

"Thanks," I said, as I walked into the eatery. That's when some random stranger, sitting at a table with his family of 6, all of whom were over the age of 16, said to me, "But you do need to learn how to park."

WOAH! WOAH! Who is this guy, Cone-Man? Why is he suddenly the authority on parking? His family all laughed at his joke, and his wife said "Oh why did you have to say that to the boy?" That's what the wives always say when their husband makes a smartass comment. But they know they like it.

"Yeah, I guess I do," I replied, and walked away. Apparently they were watching me the whole time I was trying to park. Had I known this, I would have done something funnier than bump a curb... like pull forward and smash into the car ahead of me.

These people are all over the place. Beware of them. You won't be able to think of a clever retort in time to thwart their plans of cleverness. All you can do is smile and laugh politely like you don't care. Either that, or just mace the hell out of them.