Arafat Dead... or is he?!

News just rolled in that Yasser Arafat is officially dead after almost a week of struggle in a French military hospital. He was admitted under strange circumstances, some saying he took too much Nyquil others reporting that he just trying to watch the film "The English Patient" in one sitting. Of course his initial trip to the hospital was delayed 45 minutes while the Israeli tanks surrounding his palace had to reverse gears and back out his exceedingly long drive-way. He made sure to wear his Nobel Peace Prize as he road to the emergency room, hoping for special treatment

"Hey, aren't you responsible for over 4,000 Israeli deaths?" asked one nurse aid as she wheeled him into the waiting room. Arafat replied, "But I have this peace prize from 1994!"

Doctors were unable to initially diagnose the ailment plaguing the Palestinian leader. Whatever it was had caused him to be extremely fatigued, sleepy, tired, and nauseous. While some speculated that he caught a case of mono from his girlfriend Pamela, no one could tell for sure and blood tests only revealed that the man was in fact a "jerk."

Yasser Arafat first garnered celebrity status when he addressed the U.N. in 1974 while wearing an olive branch in his holster. He made headlines after he tried to rob the general assembly with a piece of shrubbery, and slowly backed out of the situation and remembered that his people had taken all of those Israeli hostages at the Olympics just two years prior. Little did young Arafat know that he would be shaking hands with the prime minister of Israel decades later in a peace conference that would get them both the Nobel Peace Prize. It was at this conference that Arafat allowed limited rule over the Palestinians living in the Gaza Strip District.

Of course, all of his peace-hugging accomplishments were soon squashed when he launched a gaggle of attacks on Israel in 2000, starting an on-going war in the Middle East over the Gaza Strip District, and killing over 4,000 people. He's been viewed as a terrorist by countries all over the world (except for France, of course) and is easily recognized in large crowds by his black and white checkered head-garment-hat-scarf.

Reports had been blooming since October 29th of Arafat's death and life. Initially it was reported that he had found a bucket and promptly kicked it. Then they changed their minds and said he was, "Being a trooper and hanging in there." Soon after Monday evening, Arafat's insightful roommate, a 89 year-old kidney infected patient, died while playing with a chess board on his head. Rumors spread across the globe that it was actually Arafat who died. Once the checked game board was removed, however, things were cleared up.

Now that Arafat's dead, statements from major nations and leaders are spreading across the news like sheep's blood across a doorway.

President Bush was quoted saying, "Count it! 1 for us!"
President Chirac, of France, said, "Excellent, and seeing as how he named me his successor, I guess France will just be expanding into Palestine..."
President Putin, of Russia, said, "I remember him saying that he wanted his subscription to Boy's Life transferred to my mail box. Seriously."

Only time will tell what Arafat's death will mean for the Middle East. This could bring about an era of peace in the area of Gaza. Of course, this could also cause riots and chaos and more visits from Madonna. Only time will tell.

Posted by MikeRubino at November 10, 2004 2:01 PM