Man on Fire

In the spirit of those crazy Buddhists, a man set himself on fire today in front of the White House. Apparently, this afternoon, a Middle Eastern man who was standing at one of the White House gates talking to the Secret Service, suddenly lit himself on fire. Unfortunately, he didn't really think this through, and instead of actually being a threat to the safety of our President, he instead stood there and incurred 2nd degree burns on 30% of his body. His left leg suffered the blunt of it.

When it was all said and done, the man was lying face down on the ground, smoldering in pain as the Secret Service cuffed him and took him in for questioning.

Secret Service: Sir, why did you light yourself on fire?

Man: Ya know... that's a good question. I guess you could say it was kind of a spur of the moment thing. I guess I got bored with the conversation, thought I would make a statement and light myself on fire.

SS: What kind of statement were you trying to make?

Man: I didn't have time to think about that. I mean, at first it was "I'm tired of talking to you and I don't have a good reason to end the conversation." Then I guess it quickly turned into "Shit, these stain defenders don't defend against fire!"

SS: What was your conversation about?

Man: Well it started when I had asked him directions... I was trying to find the nearby D.C. flight school, I was supposed to start my $39 BeAPilot.Com flying lesson today. But when the guard didn't know directions, he asked me something about where I was from.

SS: Is that when you lit yourself on fire?

Man: No, trust me if got way more boring than that. After about twenty minutes, I think one of us mentioned TV, and next thing I know we were talking about our favorite episodes of Cheers.

SS: What was yours?

Man: I don't remember.

SS: I see... What's your name sir?

Man: Um... Carl.

SS: No it's not.

Man: Okay, you got me. It's Al Quaeda Hamas Jr. Salaam.

SS: That's what I thought. You're on our list, pal... now get out of our sight!

Man: Can I at least have some new pants?

SS: No.

Investigations are continuing over the next few weeks as to whether or not this man was a representative of Docker's clothing company or not.

Posted by MikeRubino at November 16, 2004 12:18 AM