Brother Dan Lashes Out

My brother hates alot of things, but probably on the top of his list are "emo kids." If you are a college or high school student, you know who I'm talking about. If you are an adult, it's a little tricky to explain... but just the other day he made a great (if ranting) post on his blog ripping their culture to shreds. And since I agree with him, I thought I'd give him the spotlight and post his post on my blog. Remember these are his words, not mine!

Five Easy Steps to Emo

I've had it with arrogance and satire, enough is enough and it's time for a change!  I've been reborn and God is telling me to help, so here I am, helping.  I've decided to make a guide to becoming emo for all those trendy kids out there that just don't know how to jump from shopping at the Old Navy and listening to U2 to shopping at Hot Topic and Journey and listening to Dashboard Confessional! 

Step One:  Define Yourself
If you were trying to quit smoking, you'd try to separate yourself from anyone who smoked, and likewise if you want to be a true misunderstood teen with no where to go then you have to, HAVE TO separate yourself from your friends who aren't emo.  After all, they aren't your real friends, no one is, except your personal razor blade.  They'll just make life harder, and social.  Why risk pain and anguish by having superficial friends when you can have pain and anguish forever sitting in your room listening to Thursday and writing poetry?   If you don't know how to tell your friends that they just don't know what a true broken heart is, just tell them all that NO ONE UNDERSTANDS.   It may also be wise to get an acoustic guitar, after all nothing sings the sorrows like an acoustic guitar!

Step Two:  Dress to Impress
You're not going to be seen as emo unless you look it.  But these days you can't do it alone, you need a store or two to choose what to wear.  Hot Topic is the way to go for the emo of today's failed generation.  You can find everything you'll need there, including tight, black shirts (purple and other strong colors work, but in moderation) with bands such as Dashboard Confessional, Motion City Soundtrack, Thursday, HIM, Hey Mercedes, Small Brown Bike, Reggie and the Full Effect, The Used, Taking Back Sunday, etc.  Now that I'm on it, you had better buy at least one album from everyone I just mentioned, and make sure to buy a CD jewel case holder to show off your collection!  Now you’ll need tight pants, black preferably, and a checkered belt to hold it up.  This is key.  Get checkered wristbands too because as you’ll see later they come in handy.  Now, the glasses.  Thick, black framed glasses.  If you don’t need glasses because you have good eyes, try to find fake lenses or just breakout the lenses, it’ll look good either way.  Also, fix your hair with a lot of grease or gel, and make sure to have it messy.  If you’re a blond or red head, dye it black ASAP.

Step Three:  Write From the Heart
How could you be emo if you didn’t compose poetry or song lyrics?  This is the real heart of it all, where your broken and misguided soul can feel the tearing pain inside.  Get a notebook to keep all your good metaphors and similes in so that you can reuse them and rework them later on.  Now, light some candles, lock yourself in your room, and feel from your heart.  Try to think about how different you are and how much it hurts to be a lost, angsty teen.  Practice makes perfect, of course.  It won’t be until you can mention 7 different shades of red that all describe blood dripping from your arms until you are ready to publish this.  Well, I suppose you could publish whatever the heck you want, but I’ve seen so many failed attempts, it’s better to wait.  Remember always that you want to convey your pain, your searing cuts on your wrist, and your loneliness in your writing.  Always highlight in red the word “You.”   Never let anyone know the point of the poem until they get to the last line.  I have prepared an inspirational example:

Scarlet tears dripping No one is alive, everyone feigning This is what it means to die You weren’t there to save me Dark horse of this world Cutting is feeling Feel me live in crimson dreams Blood so thick I can’t see Failing mocks me I need you to tutor me in math

You see, no one even knew that I was writing about the consequences of failing math class until the end.

Step Four: Make Your Debut
Before you can do anything, you’ll have to make sure you’ve got a totally emo AOL Instant Messenger Screen Name.  Something that really says how it is.  First and foremost, it must start and end in either an X, a V, an I, or a combination.  Next, it must either be a band name, or a descriptive phrase.  Use all of the devices from the poetry section to think of something.  xX StaidlyTormented Xx would be perfect.  Now, to the internet explorer!  This is where the world sees you for who you really are.  www.livejournal.com is the culmination of the emo community across the world.  Quick, register yourself a user name!  But wait!  Stop!  Don’t just choose  a username just like your AIM name.  Now, once you get the account, pick out the right black, music oriented background that repeats over and over.  Then, get some crummy images of yourself looking your best in total emo wear.  But make sure not to look at the camera, try looking down at the ground and put on a pouty face, like the one you’ll make when your parents force you to go on a vacation and the sun is too bright for your delicate, pale self.  Finally, find a good combination of colors (pink borders, black text, black everything else) that makes it impossible to read anything on your site because it blends in with your background.  If they can read it without having to highlight everything, you aren’t emo. Now, make a post every hour on the hour.  Start by choosing your mood.  You can be depressed, sad, angsty, dead, or bitter, but nothing else.  Never show joy to anyone, because you’ll look a fool when you remember how misunderstood you are. Post your poetry when its good enough too.  Make sure you can access your Livejournal via your AIM buddy profile, which should showcase some of the poetry you’re writing in green, Garamond font.  Make the word that links to it something daring, like ‘cuts’ or ‘aloof’.

Step Five:  No Pain, No Gain
Finally, the real test.  Can you do it?  Can you really cut yourself?  Think you’ve got what it takes to try and live?  From here on out I can’t actually tell you to “cut your wrists” because then I’m liable for it, and I’m just the messenger.  I will give you some advice, Across for Show, Down for Go.  I’ve modeled some for you:

GOOD LUCK!  THAT WAS PHOTOSHOPPED!
Mood: Depressed

-Me [Dan]

And since I only do this once in a blue moon... check out his blog for more insanity with spelling errors. Good jorb, bro.