You Call This Coffee?

I drink a lot of coffee, usually five to six cups daily (which may or may not explain my stature), so I know what I’m talking about when I speak of “good coffee.” Unfortunately I never say the phrase “good coffee” anywhere near the phrase “the cafeteria” unless both phrases are in the proximity of the phrase “is never found in the.” Our school has great food, and our cafeteria staff does a bang up job. However, instead of smelling the sweet sweet smell of roasting coffee beans, I smell a little something I call “conspiracy.”

I’m not just saying that the coffee in the cafeteria tastes bad, because with enough cream and sugar any coffee can taste okay, but I am supposing that it is all decaffeinated. How do I know this? I’ve experienced it. Every single week, for two different classes, I am forced to rely on caffeine to get me through my courses. And every single week, I get a big steaming cup of Joe straight from the cafeteria (and I make sure to always get regular naturally). And every single week I fall asleep, many times before I’ve even finished the whole cup! This sort of travesty does not occur when I get coffee at Starbucks, Krispy Kreme, coffee houses, or any gas station. This doesn’t happen any other time… except when I get decaf. Think about it, have you ever heard your friends say “Man, I’m getting the biggest caffeine buzz from this school coffee!” Nope. And if they say it, it’s because the school’s coffee acts like nothing more than a placebo, convincing us that it’s the real deal.

The school uses a brand of coffee called Cory Coffee. Never heard of it? That’s because it’s a product of the one company that supplies everything else in the cafeteria: Aramark. The key to all of this may lie within the bean itself. Aramark uses only Arabica beans, which while some say are higher in quality, requiring more workers to hand-cultivate them, they contain half the caffeine of the standard Robusta bean, which is used by most coffee companies. Aramark likes to say they are shipping a nicer product, but with less caffeine than the normal cup of coffee.

Seton Hill doesn’t mind this at all, I’m sure. I’ve seen the campus police freak out the moment the Red Bull truck pulls onto the premises, trying to disperse high energy juices to anyone who asks. They don’t want kids going nuts, running around, carrying on, carrying off, etc. Having regular strength Lipton Tea and Mountain Dew is probably a little over the line for some of the administration. The addition of full-strength coffee could lead to a coup.

But I tell you this, I’ll be leading my own coup if I have to drink any more of Cory’s coffee.