Crazy Folks Behind My House: Entry 1

People have crazy neighbors. It's a given for any American suburb. You've got that neighbor next to you that holds crazy midnight parties; or the couple across the street that likes to "bump uglies" on their back patio. These things are staples for any neighborhood. I have crazy people living in the alley behind my house... seriously, there are a few small houses (if you can even call them that) lining the alley that runs through my block. It is in these houses that the strangest, most unnecessary, people in the world live.

Because I don't even know their names, I will refer to the man of the house was Cecil. He's got a woman living with him (who we at one point thought was blind) who we'll call Rita. There are also about 52 children that frequent their premises.

This is an excerpt from Cecil's "Backyard Project Journal-Diary Planner" that he left in my bushes one evening:

Sunday Afternoon: Apryl 35

Today I'm startiningg my grandest project yet. I am gfoing to contrstuct a keep-off-fence fence for my garden. This fence, which is really going to be great, will keep those pesky kidz off of my tomatoes and MJ plants! They are always running thru my dam yard, tapping on my siding and waking me up! I work so hard driving around the county taking people's garbagge with my pick-up truck. The last thing i need is to be woken from a slumber by some kids!

In ordder to contsturct this fence I have ackquired fifteen wooden planks. People were just throwing these things away! So me and my 12yr old went around one evening, like some sort of reverse Santa CLaus, and took all of the wood! Now most of it is WARpED, but I don't care... warped wood is stronger than regular wood, but most carpenters are too week to handle it. Except for Jesus and His dad. They could handle it. On top of the wood, I have aqwired six nails, which will be used spairingly. I have a mallet and a circular sAw. This is all I'm going to need to make the greattest fence in the world. But I cant do this on my own. Which is why I have called upon my fiend and drinking partner, Elvis Stanislawski to come and help me. He works at the local pizza club.

I don't own a radio or any CDs. This is why I've told my children to provide me some backround noise while me and Elvis get workin'. Theres nothing I like bettr than 7 Kids running around my backyard with baseball bats, tennis ballls and enuff sugar-koolaid to power a locamoti... train. We don't own a playjim or treehouse, so I just park my car on the lawn and leave the doors open. Why, my wife Rita even comes out of the house occasionally to yell at the kids and give me some tuna and cheese nadwiches. She doesnt particullary care for my sprongebob boxer shorts, which I love. I like to tuck my v-neck t-shirts into them so that everyone can see how awesomme they are!

Faurst things first. I will, with great precision, close my eyes and cut the wood with my saw. Elvis will be my spotter. I'm so happy I live in a neighborhud where everyone is tolerant of my loud ciruclar saw. I was kicked out of my last house because the entire town hated me. Hooray for PA!

It took me and Elvis about two hours to cut all of the wood. We kept gettin distracted because of all these damn kidss running around! Who let them out here? I dont even think they all eblong to me! If they keep up all this racket, those lezbians that we share the yard with are going to come out here and stomp a size 6 mudhole in my ass. Once we cut the wood, we moved onto contrsucting the actual fence fence. I think the best way to go about doing it is to stick the post into the ground and THEN nail the wood to it.

After a pop cap toss we decided that Elvis would hold the post while I use a large mallet to pound this into the ground. Even the slightest miss will kill Elvis! Luckily I've shotten enough bows and arrows in my day that I know how to use a hammer. It took us #about forty minits to get this post into the ground. But that sucker is in there good!

It's like 7 at night right now. And tomorrow is Monday, which means I have to get up and go dig through the weekend garbage down at the dump. This fence could quickly turn into a summe rproject. And thus my life has meaning.

-38-

Wow... I hope this guy continues his work on that fence so that I can catalogue more poorly written diary entries!

(This character is not based on anyone real and any similarities are purely coincidental. Promise.)

Posted by MikeRubino at April 13, 2005 4:16 PM | TrackBack