"Cloud Shepherd" Job Application

Job Title: Cloud Shepherd

Job Description: To wrangle, whap, whack, whip, and wrestle wily silver clouds that inhabit the Cloud Room on the Third Floor of the Andy Warhol Museum in Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania.

Pre-requisites: Previous experience in museum and babysitting occupations. Hand-eye coordination is a must, and a keen sense of peripheral vision is key to survival.

The Clouds Must Be Kept At Bay

Extended Job Description: The Cloud Shepherd at the Warhol Museum is a position that is crucial to the survival of one of Carnegie's finest museums. You will be required to stand outside of the Cloud Room and make sure that none of the clouds escape into the public. The clouds are anxious, sneaky, and tired of being cooped up in this drafty, pretentious building. However it will be your duty to make sure they don't escape. The clouds, while completely silver, are filled with helium and oxygen, therefore hover just at eye level. Anyone working in this position has to be able to fend off attacks by the clouds, who will huddle and gang up on you without a word of notice.

Upon hiring, you will receive a cloud staff. It is a four foot long white pole that you will use to bat away the clouds, forcing them back into the exhibit room. It is imperative you use the pole at all times, otherwise the static-electricity will cause the balloons to latch on to you electrocute you to death.

It is our job here at the Warhol to let all of the guests experience Andy's unique communist-homosexual perspective on popular culture and art. This is why you must maintain control at all times, while patrons and guests enter and experience the exhibit. The Cloud Room is a replica of an exhibit Andy created in New York, and is intended for full interaction with the viewer. The guests are allowed to enter the room and touch the balloons, knocking them about and enjoying themselves. By purchasing admission to the museum, each guest fully accepts the terms of agreement, which clearly state: any electric or moral shock that may occur while in the museum is not the responsibility of Andy Warhol.

Dress Code: You will be required to wear black rimmed glasses (whether you need them or not) as well as striped socks and tight pants. Please make sure to bring a copy of a Chomsky novel to read while you stand guard.

Hours: You, along with two other employees, will man shifts that cover 24hrs at a time. Just because the museum is closed doesn't mean that the clouds have lost their craving for freedom. You will be required to stand guard during the evening. Try not to get creeped out by the technicolor-cow-wallpaper in the hallway.

Thank you for applying for a job here at the Andy Warhol museum. We look forward to having you as a part of our diverse team.