Farewell Fred

Yesterday, presidential candidate Fred Dalton Thompson bowed out of the race. The 6'5" Southerner was considered to be a hot commodity early on, only to fade in the polls after refusing to play nice with the mainstream media. He was one of the few truly conservative, Federalist conservatives in the race, and certainly the last to quit during the primary voting season. A lot of people knew nothing about him, and those who did called him lazy; others said he didn't have the fire in his belly. Regardless of whether or not he had the indigestion necessary to run a fitting campaign, Thompson may have been the best kind of conservative candidate: the kind that didn't really care for the office.

He didn't really care to be the leader of the free world, nor did he think he needed to go out of his way to win the election; rather, he felt that people should judge him by his ideas and policies for a better America. His policy arguments were thought-out and well-delivered (if with a Southern drawl and a squirt of District Attorney-ness), but the average America isn't interested in that stuff. People claim to want to be "inspired" and "changed" by a candidate, but I don't particularly care to experience either of those feelings. The need to be inspired means that we lack motivation and direction, and that certainly isn't I, or anyone else I know, for that matter. Fred merely said "here's how it's going to be... and if you like what I'm saying, then vote for me." He wasn't putting on a shtick, and he wasn't trying to get a good soundbite for the evening news. Unfortunately, that's not how campaigns work in this day and age, and Fred, that once Reagan-esque white horse riding in to save the GOP, was squashed with more of a whimper than a yell.

And so who do I turn to this political season? Who can I possibly support for president? Obviously, my current selection is quite small: John Rambo, John McClane, or Zombie Reagan.

John Rambo, clearly the current front-runner in imaginary political candidates, seems to have the most going for him. With a new film opening this week, Rambo is going to be the topic of everyone's conversations around the water cooler. Rightfully so! Mr. Rambo, like Ronald Reagan, is a proud relic of the 1980's, filled with the pro-American vigor that we all need right about now. He served his country in 'Nam, and then returned to fight bureaucracy at home. Mr. Rambo refuses to back down from a challenge, and whole-heartedly backs the American Military, especially P.O.W.'s. Then again, because of his terrible speaking skills—let's face it, no one can really understand the guy—and his scarred mental well-being, he might be a better Vice President than actual POTUS.

John McClane is another great contender for the seat. This summer he proved that he still has what it takes to destroy a helicopter with a car, and I imagine he would take a similar approach to foreign policy: he may not use the most conventional methods of solving problems, but he'll get the job done. There is no better definition of a president than "a guy in the wrong place at the wrong time." Events occur around a president, and more often than not, he has to be ready to pick up the pieces and make everything work. McClane has spent much of his career doing that. Plus, he's divorced, so he fits in with the current crop of candidates.

Finally, there is the mystifying Zombie Reagan. His specter has haunted almost every GOP debate, so it's about time that the man finally rises up (from the grave) and just reclaims his office. It's likely that Zombie Reagan would have about the same policies as he did before, only with a little more emphasis placed on brain consumption. He'd build up the military; reduce regulations, taxes, and bureaucracy; and take on the new Soviet Union, also known as "Putin's Russia." Plus, he could work round the clock, provided we just kept feeding him the occasional ex-patriot.

Clearly, if a solid candidate doesn't emerge from the current Republican crop, I'm going to have to stick with some combination write-in of Zombie Reagan or one of the John's. Right now ZR (as he'll be called) seems to be the most likely choice, but you never know, maybe Arnold Schwarzenegger will run as John Matrix (from Commando). I might have to vote for him.