To the Impostor

Dear Kid Who Looks Like Me,

I think the time has come for you to stop exercising in public. While I, personally, have never witnessed your feats of athletic endurance, many around town have. In fact, your insistence on public displays of long-distance jogging have created an urban falsity that I "work out."

Let me get one thing clear: I don't work out. Perhaps I shall some day, when I have the time or physical need, but at the moment I simply don't have the interest. There's too much investment in the work-out lifestyle, all those stretchy clothes and iPod armbands... but that's neither here nor there.

The fact of the matter is, ever since you have begun your out-and-about exercise, people have been seeing you and thinking that you're me. While I can't vouch for how your looks compare to mine, I can only assume that you must be running so fast that people can't get an honest view of you. You've been spotted running across bridges, powerwalking on main streets, and, Lord knows, probably doing bench presses on your roof. Stop. Join a gym. Get a different hair cut.

While I don't mind the fact that people come over to me and ask "Was that you jogging across the bridge last night?" I can't stomach the disappointment in their eyes, or their pitying judgement of me, after I explain that I don't really work out. I can only imagine what they think of me after knowing this.

Perhaps a membership at the local gym or YMCA would suit you? There are also plenty of national and state parks in the area with perfectly secluded running paths.

Thanks for your understanding.