Lenny Horn

I don't toot my horn much—at least, while driving. You know, unless someone is about to hit me or something. Or occasionally if the guy in front of me is texting when the light turns from red to green. That's about as far as I go. I don't really beep at people I know, and I'd just as soon call on my phone instead of honking when I'm picking up a friend.

This is mainly because my lovely car has a Lenny horn. From the first day I settled in my VW Rabbit, I couldn't quite get the hang of the horn in the steering wheel. There's the standard little trumpet icon (maybe it's some sort of weird German trumpet), but pressing it does nothing. You press higher on the wheel, like where the VW logo is, and it belts out this long, furious Ricola horn of a honk! Like Lenny from Of Mice and Men, my car's horn only has one mode: strong. This is odd that my car would have a Lenny horn, given that it's a Rabbit.

The standard etiquette for honking at someone you know is a quick "beep-beep." Like the Roadrunner. You could be driving down the boulevard, and you see your pal coming out of a store. You "beep-beep," and he waves back, "Hey, buddy!" It's nice. But if I ever try and do that it's always a long, confusing process. I'm driving down the street, I see someone I know, I "hooooonnnnnnnk." They freak out first, thinking they're about to see a wreck or something. Then they see me. They think I'm mad at them. I have to wave my arms and shake my head, "No, no! I'm not mad! I can't honk any less than this." They throw back their head and say "Oohh, I see!" It's a mess.

I've been meaning to take my Rabbit out somewhere and practice with the horn. Maybe it's all in the technique. Should I punch the horn with my fist, instead of pressing with the heel of my palm? Maybe I should try different areas on the horn. In the end, I think it will be a little weird to go out and practice my honking skills. It would be a pretty strange occurrence for someone to stumble upon: a car, sitting by itself in a parking lot, honking in what has to be some sort of code. It's no code. It's just the curse of the Lenny horn.