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Brothers Grimm Do Brooklyn

February 08, 2005

Once upon a time in a land not so very far away in Brooklyn, New York there lived a man named Joe Cinderella. Joe was a surly young man with a heart of gold deeply buried beneath a gruff and extraordinarily manly exterior. Joe spent most of his days surfing the internet and shoveling snowy sidewalks for his grandmother, Mama Cinderella, a woman with sharp eyes and an even sharper tongue.

If you had asked Joe if he were happy, he would have told you that he was, despite the loneliness of his Brooklyn existence and the absence of a love interest from his life. Most people would have believed him when he stuttered that yeah, sure he was happy, but one person didn’t. One person believed that Joe Cinderella was living a lie and took it upon himself or herself, as the case may be, to liberate Joe Cinderella’s consciousness.

One snowy morning, Joe Cinderella was shoveling snow for his grandmother, feeling grateful for last night’s six inch dump, feeling the ache in his muscles from the manly work and not thinking about much else. All of a sudden a flash of pink light occurs before his eyes and a smallish pink-tinted man in a tutu is floating in front of him.

Before Joe Cinderella can berate the little fellow for interrupting his blank thoughts, the creature begins to speak.

“Here ye, here ye, by order of royal decree, blah blah blah. You get the point. Listen, girlfriend, my name is Lou and I’m your fairy godfairy, honey, and you are going to the royal ball! Aren’t you excited? We’re going to get you a totally bitchin’ ballgown!” The little fairy godfairy begins clapping his hands together gleefully and grinning down at Joe Cinderella’s expression mistaking it, apparently, for joy.

Joe Cinderella looks at Lou for a full minute, fully expecting the apparition to disappear in a puff of smoke so that he can get back to work. When Lou doesn’t seem to be going anywhere, Joe speaks: “Listen, pal. I appreciates you alls sentiment and all, ya see, but my name is Joe Cinderella. I ain’t going to no royal ball, and I sure as shit ain’t wearin’ no ballgown.” A strangely wistful expression crosses his face for just an instant and then it is gone.

“Listen, buddy!” says Lou, voice dropping an octave into what must be his natural off-duty voice. “Alls I know is I gots this request: says that one Joe Cinderella is to go to Prince’s Castle over on the corner of bleeker and third down in Manhattan on the evening of February 14, 2005. that bein’ tonight, you being Joe Cinderella, when you puts two and two together, I gots me a dancing queen.” At the last two words, Lou the fairy godfairy’s voice rises back to its original pitch. “Now! Do you want a pink ballgown! Or blue! Or, oh honey, this would look fabulous, maybe we could do purple!”

“Ahs geez! Look, I told you I ain’t wearing no stinkin’ ball gown! I ain’t going to no stinkin’ ball! My name is Joey Cinderella, and I ain’t no dancing queen!”

If Joe hadn’t been paying so much attention to his shovel instead of carefully watching Lou the fairy godfairy, he might have seen the large blunt object coming straight for his head. As it was, he missed it. Instead, he woke up an indeterminate amount of time later, a throb in his head and a pair of fluffy pink handcuffs keeping his hands together. Immediately, he started complaining. Just as his complaints reached a crescendo of a volume loud enough to disturb even the most hearing-impaired neighbors, Lou the fairy godfairy flew into the room.

“Hey, buddy, how about you keepin’ it down in here!” When Joe continued his swearing tirade, Lou shook his head. “I’m sorry, bud, but you’re making me do it.” With that, he waved his magic wand and a gag appeared on Joe’s mouth.

The next few hours proved to be very embarrassing for our friend Mr. Cinderella. Along with Lou the fairy godfairy, there were now three blind drag mice who insisted upon articulating their opinions about every gown Lou conjured up for you, despite their inability to see it. Finally, the three blind drag mice and Lou reached a decision: a beautiful floor-length ballgown in a shade of blue similar to that seen in the sky on a summer’s afternoon.

“It matches his eyes!” one of the blind mice insisted, a statement that could have been grossly wrong but worked in this case.

“You’re right…” mused Lou the fairy drag fairy while experimenting with different hair styles on the glowering but resigned Joe Cinderella.

Finally, Lou declared his work finished and presented to the mice and the miffed Joe Cinderella the final product. “Tada!” he exclaimed, as a large mirror materialized in front of the five. “Doesn’t she look gorgeous!” he gasped, evidently proud of his handiwork.

“I look like a stinkin’ fairy!” Joe Cinderella complained, a slight smile forming on his lips that quickly disappeared when he caught Lou watching him. “Fine. I’ll go to the ball. But I ain’t dancin’!”

“That’s what you think!” Lou gibbered cheerfully, laughing as a pair of shoes appeared on Joe’s feet. “These here are enchanted shoes. Girl, you won’t be able to –stop- dancing! Not that you’ll mind it!” At this Lou started laughing and Joe blushed furiously. “Now we better get your pretty ass down to Prince’s Castle before happy hour! Oh, and honey, I better tell you. Those shoes stop working at midnight. After midnight, you are thereby freed by the implied contract expressed within.”

Lou flashed a long scrolled contract.

“By signing this you agree to release the company from any liability from the shoes or the gown, etc etc and hurry up, Joey, just sign the damn thing!”
Joe looks as though he might protest but as if realizing he has no choice, he takes the pen offered and signs the contract.


After the bell rings twelve times, the hall is silent save the swish and tap of a solitary dancer. All eyes turn to Joe as Lou the fairy godfairy floats over to him. “Heya, Joey, baby. You know them shoes stopped workin’ at midnight, don’t ya?”

Joe stops dancing and a sheepish expression crosses his face as he scuffs a foot on the ground behind him. “Yeah, don’t I know it!” He is still for a second, but moments later attempts an awkward pirouette.

“Joe! I thought you hated dancing!” Lou cries out, deeply confused, but thrilled nonetheless.

“And when you woke up this morning and looked in the mirror, honey, you thoughts that blue was your color.” Joe stops and gives Lou a long look up and down. “Well it ain’t.” Murmurs of agreement fill the air from the fellow ball-goers. “You fairies don’t know everything, you know. Sometimes us Brooklyn boys gotta show yous how it done.” At this Joe Cinderella wiggles his hips and spins in a circle.

Knowing full well that his duty is done, Lou the fairy godfairy gives a wave of his magic wand indicating for the band to resume playing. As the music fills the air, Lou tosses a raunchy wink in the direction of the fine young Prince, owner of Prince’s Castle, whose eyes have been glued to Joe Cinderella since he sashayed in the door. And in a puff of glittery pink smoke, Lou is gone.

Prince saunters over to Joe Cinderella who has stopped dancing and now blushes deeply under Prince’s gaze. Prince pulls a small slip of paper from his pocket and shows it to Joe Cinderella: it is an order form for one magic fairy compliments of Fairies, Inc. the company owned by Mama Cinderella. Joe smiles in the direction of Prince Charming. It all makes sense to him now. He can almost see Mama smiling.

And they all lived happily ever after…

Moira at 05:25 PM :: Comments (0) :: « :: »
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