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i'm just a literary tease, my reputation's on its knees.

Because Wolverines are Way Cool

February 20, 2006

Today I thought I'd write about wolverines.

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The Wolverine, Also Known As, Anything He Wants

I know nothing about wolverines save that when I signed online this evening, a headline cried out to me "Forest Service Eager to Study Wolverine." And, um, there was that cartoon dude with all the superhero-types?

Thanks to the wonders of google, I now know that wolverines are brown, most of the time. I know that I'm probably going to stay away from wolverines as much as possible from here on out because if a wolverine can kill a Caribou, my ass would certainly be grass. Especially since humans are the wolverines primary enemy. And, in case your were wondering, a hungry wolverine would not hesitate to eat your foot.

Some people, and I'm not naming any names, think that wolverines are superfly and that they have magical powers. Pshaw! That's what I have to say to that. If wolverines are so magical, why aren't they able to fly?

I should warn you that it's wolverine courtship time. The lights are down: the sweet wolverine loving is about to begin. Don't worry though, because even though he's single most of the year, the wolverine is the big pimp daddy of the animal kingdom. Nobody messes with a wolverine. He is the leanest, meanest weasle-looking creature with the bad attitude:

"What you mean, you want this animal carcass, Cougar? There here belong to Daddy Wolverine, you hear me?"

In some respects, I suppose, the wolverine has a bit of a chip on his shoulder when it comes to bears, since one source suggests:

"If a wolverine was the size of a bear, it would be the strongest animal on Earth."

Yeah, buddy? Well it's nice of you to say so, but since the wolverine isn't the size of a bear, I don't understand what you are saying. I hope you aren't suggesting Wolverine Growth Hormones.

The truth is, we are damn lucky one of those wolverines hasn't decided to throw a coup against humanity! I mean, it wouldn't need to sleep, hardly ever desires shelter from the cold, and even "makes a Tasmanian Devil look like a sissy". We'd be in big trouble this chilly time of the year.

But, don't worry, it's highly unlikely that we need to worry about any wolverine takeovers here in Greensburg. Don't get me wrong, if any wolverine put her mind to it, she could own this town. It's just that we're too close to the equator for wolverine taste.

Moira at 6:35 PM :: Comments (6) :: ::
Comments:

A shout out to Dr. W....I LOVE IT!!!!

Posted by: Katie at February 21, 2006 12:38 AM

The Wolverine doesn't have a bear complex.

For all of his physical prowess, the Wolverine is no intellectual slouch. Some have said that if he had an opposable thumb and the requisite phonetic apparatus, he would be considered the animal kingdom's poet/philosopher.

Posted by: Eduardo at February 21, 2006 8:42 AM

You guys are all retarded. I have three wolverines as pets and know everything about them.

Posted by: jjhhjn at March 21, 2006 6:12 PM

this cracked me up. I work in an Arctic Museum and I was curious about more info on Wolverines. I read your blog thing and it made me laugh

Posted by: Mallory at October 12, 2007 5:04 PM

kay this blog is junk. wolverines arnt as bloodthirsty as you say. In fact wolverines are like wolves (but dont look like them) they will attack someone when they are extremely hungry but are as cuddly as a puppy when they are not hungry. you make wolverines sound like horrible man eating devils.

Posted by: julie at July 18, 2008 6:14 PM

I am very thankful that simple airheaded asses who think themselves smart and/or cunning do not have a place of importance in this world, for indeed we would be lost and perhaps dead within minutes, and of this I am sure, as would many creatures of this earth, and I pray that those of us who need to learn a bit more about the world we live in, (such as the fool who wasted both your time and mine) to show that the impeccable stupidity wich they have to offer up to this world, is as purely true, as the morning sun,

Posted by: JJ at September 18, 2008 9:14 PM
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