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E I E I Sucks, A review

January 18, 2007

E I E I Sucks
A review by Danny Peters, third grade

Last night's presentation of "E I E I Oops" by the Doubletree school district's kindergarten through second grade was a mediocre revamp of every school musical I've ever seen, and I'm in third grade, so that's plenty.

On one hand, the person behind this musical, Mrs. Little, had the very good idea of putting the kindergarten kids on the floor. This was a good idea for two reasons:

1) They won't get beat up by second graders like I did when I was a "B" in Alphabet Soup
2) Kindergarteners smell.

Good call, Mrs. Little.

What wasn't a good call was having six female second-graders play the chicks.

"What could have been a post-feminism commentary on traditional gender roles became a farce that recreated the same-old scenario," Mrs. Sondra Peters, my mom, said. "It's a bunch of crap, kiddo."

Tony Fontaza, who is a major jerk, got to play the rooster even though he's a third-year second grader. That's so lame.

I must confess, however, that this show's choreography, done by the beautiful and unmarried Ms. Barbara Anne, was masterful, especially for the pig rock out and the chicken dance. Ms. Barbara Anne, will you marry me?

The best part of the show was the mule, played by Tommy Peters, my brother. Man, we practiced that "Eh Hah" line for hours. After the show, I bet I wasn't the only one tempted to climb to my feet and yell "More mule!"

The only part about this show that was even close to realistic was the Farmer Dell's wife, played by that big girl, I forget her name, who looks like she's in sixth grade. This is very realistic. My aunt Jennifer is taller than Uncle Harry, so I should know.

Issues of realism aside (I mean, singing cows, chickens, and pigs? Come on!), the finale song "Moo Bah Cluck Cluck Oink" was a letdown after such a dramatic build-up. First of all, Allison Jenners is much too small to pass as a cow. Secondly, she gave in and Moo-ed much too easily. This play had zero dramatic impact.

What would have been way cool is if the cow had some sort of laser beam that she used to kill off all of the other barnyard animals before she gave in and mooed. Maybe she could have had a light saber. Then the mule, my brother, could have had one, too. They could have had a major battle up there on the stage, and if you knew my brother, which I do, you'd know that he can fake dying better than anyone in the whole world! For real!

The worst part of all was the self-serving speech by Mrs. Little that kept us in our seats and away from the cookies and punch for four whole minutes (I timed it). Who cares if Denny Flock ran sound? We want more mule!

[This is how I procrastinate - writing silly fake reviews. I did, however, see this musical last night at GSHS, and it didn't suck. My friend Taylor wore an outfit we made together (minus the skull patch which we'll iron on today.)]

Moira at 8:59 AM :: Comments (0) :: ::
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