By Julie M. Young,
Staff Writer

Never skip breakfast. This, of course, is excellent advice offered by most mothers. Yet, it has been several semesters since I’ve enjoyed a sit-down breakfast. I simply could never wake up in time to actually sit and eat.

This semester, however, I have good reason to be up in the morning. I have classes and internships that I can’t bring my breakfast to. Unless I want to balance a bagel while I do a plie in ballet, I’d better eat beforehand. Therefore, I must eat breakfast, and a lot of it, to tide me over until lunch.

The best part about waking up in the morning for breakfast is the bacon. I can smell it when I am walking toward the dining hall, and I anticipate every crispy bite. I’m not a huge meat eater, but I am a bacon connoisseur. I look forward to it being prepared to perfection – just crispy, not burnt. I’m rather disappointed when it’s on the chewy side, but that’s what being an aficionado will do.

However, the dining service has been toying with me. They’ve been serving bacon nearly every Friday. This wasn’t a big deal a month ago, but now it’s Lent. Since I’m an observant type, I can only look, and not chew, the delightful pieces of fat that grace the steam table.

Then again, bacon is not the only breakfast meat. I also enjoy the occasional sausage patty, but not the links. My freshman year I began a campaign to ban link sausage, and I made my friends stuff the suggestion box with anti-link propaganda, like “I only like food I can slip under doors, like sausage patties. No more links!” After about nine or so similar messages, the dining service posted their response: that some people like links. Maybe some people do, but I don’t. Please, can’t the world just cater to me?

I didn’t think so. This whole idea that the world doesn’t specifically cater to Julie M. Young is especially clear at the toaster. For non-breakfast eaters, the dining hall’s toaster is more of a conveyer belt apparatus, with two settings: toast and bun. Clearly, if you select toast it will toast both sides. If you select bun, it only toasts what is facing down. However, everyone here seems to think that bagels are buns, thus only need toasting on one side. That is incorrect, in my estimation. I like my bagels crispy like my bacon, cooked on both sides.

Some days, I’m lucky and the toaster is set to toast, bacon is being served, and all is right with the world. Other days, the toaster hates me. I put my bagel in and get my tray in search of hot food and beverage. I have it perfectly timed out so that I’ll arrive seconds before my bagel falls down the chute (no pop-up here). However, people tend to interfere.

Either some well-meaning breakfaster will switch the setting back to bun, or they’ll speed up the conveyer belt, so that my bagel is less toasted. They are merely attempting to achieve their own toasting Nirvana, so how could I fault them?

Indeed, the only time I can fault them is when they cause my bagel to shoot from the toaster too soon, thus messing up my timing. Then, their bagel will fall out of the toaster. The unthinkable happens. They push my bagel aside in order to get their own. This is gross. I don’t want anyone touching my food but me. So, either I have to start over (which is a big waste of food), or I have to trick myself into thinking that if I run the bagel through the toaster again, I will somehow “burn” all of the germs off. Then the fire starts. Have you seen those burnt bagels abandoned by the toaster? That’s me, trying to cleanse my food.
Anyway, breakfast is becoming my favorite meal in the dining hall. I think I enjoy wishing for my favorite food, bacon, knowing that they’ll produce it at least twice a week. To top it off, I get to toast my own bagel. It’s almost like cooking!

On that note, I’m filling out a suggestion card. I hereby request that every day be a bacon day (excepting Fridays during Lent), and that a toaster be reserved specifically for my bagels.

Any guesses what the response will be?

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