letter to my mother.
*This clearly isn't the greatest writing, but I had a lot to get out and I think I finally did it.*
Dear mom,
To answer your question, yes I do miss you. I miss you all the time. But I miss the mom who used to remember everything and only had to be told once, and the mom who used to sit down at a restaurant with Dougie and I and eat chocolate cake with us. When I was still in school, I missed the mom who used to wake up with me in the morning and asked if I needed help getting ready. When John started staying at the house, as much as you don’t realize it, I was forced to grow up a lot in a little amount of time. John, and everything involving John takes precedence over everything else in your life. There were many times where I would be sitting in my room bawling my eyes out and you would come up in my room and just start talking about John, like you didn’t even notice I was crying. I hated my life, and whenever I tried to talk to you about it you used to come up with some reason why I shouldn’t be sad.
You really don’t understand how hard everything was on me during the divorce. I was really messed up, and very depressed. I had to put up with so much shit; I had to sit and listen to you and dad bash each other constantly. I felt very alone and ignored because dad and I were fighting at the time, and you were so pre-occupied with John. During Christmas when I was working almost 50 hours a week, and I had trouble getting up in the morning to go to school, instead of comforting me all you did was bitch because you had to get out of bed. When you and dad were together you would have been way more understanding and helpful to me.
I tried extremely hard to welcome John and to cope with everything going on, but that was difficult when I felt like you were never there and John was the only thing you cared about. I still feel that way. It seems like all you ever talk about is John, and a lot of the time you’re bitching about him. It just seems to me like you’re never happy. You always have time to go out with John, or go to his kids games, but if I ask you to come shopping with me you’re too busy. I finally just got fed up. I wasn’t happy at home, and I think that’s really sad when I was so dead set against moving, and I wound up doing it any way because I was miserable there. I felt really unwanted and ignored. I was really on my own. I know you and dad are at each others throats all the time, but if it wasn’t for dad I’d be insane right now. Dad and I have grown a lot closer, we talk all the time about everything. He takes really good care of me, and it’s not just because he’s able to give me money all the time. Of course, that’s a plus, but it’s not the reason I’m here. I’m here because dad makes me feel taken care of and wanted. I feel like he understood what I was going through more than you did. I also felt terrible because dad was all alone. Even though I wasn’t living alone, I felt alone. I think dad and I had a lot to relate to through this whole ordeal and that brought us together. Plus, dad treats me like an adult. I’m allowed to do whatever I want, I come and go as I please. I wasn’t really used to being disciplined that much after the divorce because I wasn’t really paid that much attention. As long as I call dad and let him know where I am, and keep my grades up, I’m free. I still do chores, I clean this place all the time, and I don’t just spend money out the ass, I budget.
I just don’t think you understand....I don’t think you realize you were doing anything wrong. You try having the best mom in the world who would do anything for you for 17 years, then she gets a new boyfriend and totally changes. You did change, a lot. I just got tired of it, so I left. I felt like I had no other choice. Everybody knew how unhappy I was. I think it was even worse because you felt like you did nothing wrong. I know I wasn’t always right either, but I’m a kid, I have a lot of learning to do. I felt like I was the bigger person many times, and I tried to work things out. I just couldn’t do it anymore. I really hate how all of this had to happen. I just feel like you have a whole other family now and they’re more important. I think part of the reason Dougie has been so helpful lately is because he wants attention, and he realized being bad didn’t work.
I understand our lives are different now. I just don’t see why I had to lose my mom over it. I really hate how you moved everything out of my room and shipped it over here. You say how much you want me back, but that’s clearly portraying the wrong message. I don’t think you should have touched my room at all, now I definitely don’t want to come back. I walk in my room and it’s like a strange place, it’s not mine anymore. That really hurt me, and I think that was really immature. I’m not trying to pile all this on you, but honestly, do you ever think about what you’re doing? I feel like you’re alienating me. You took my pictures off the walls for Christ sakes. It’s like you don’t even want a daughter anymore. I know if I ever left here dad wouldn’t think about touching my room. It’s my place to come to for comfort when I’m here, and my room should have remained that way at your house. That’s why dad was pissed off. How would you feel if I threw all of your things in garbage bags and shipped it to where you were? You’d lose it. You’re my mother...that’s not something you’re supposed to do. I’m sure your mom is spinning in her grave over it.
You need to put yourself in my shoes. I’m sorry if I’m coming of as demanding, but this is how I feel. I’ve felt this way for a long time, but I never bothered to tell you because you didn’t listen. That’s all you needed to do over the past year or so, listen. I’m sorry all this had to happen, I’d take everything back if I could, the divorce too. I’m finally starting to be happy again, and I just felt like I needed to get this out. You can take whatever you want out of this letter...I’m just telling you how I feel. I’m not trying to be a bitch, but I’ve wanted to do this for a while. I don’t resent John, and I don’t resent you, I just resent what you did and didn’t do. It’s over, it can’t be changed now, but I just thought you needed to know. Instead of just reading this and denying everything, maybe try to think about it, think about why I feel this way. It might help.
I’ve tried to help you many times, especially with the eating disorder. You won’t help yourself and you won’t admit you’re doing something wrong. You’re slowly killing yourself mom, and I just couldn’t stand living in a house with somebody who’s destroying their body. You need to start eating real food, and take care of yourself. I’ve been right about practically everything up to this point, so why won’t you just listen to me. I’m not stupid, I know what I’m talking about.
I love you, mom. I just want you to get better, and I want my old mom back.
Thank you, dear. I'll have to pick the CD up.
To let everybody know, my mom has done a total 180 since this letter was sent. I think the healing process can begin. Finally.
Stormy, Chris again... I just wanted to ask you if you've ever listened to Good Charlotte's song Emotionless. I bought one of their CDs a few days ago, and while I was listening to it I thought about you and this letter you wrote. The song is about a kid writing a letter to his father, so it's not an exact parallel or anything, but... I know that music always helps me deal with tough situations, and that maybe you'd get something more from it that I didn't, so I thought I'd mention it in case you want to take a look.
I am completly amazed by the courage you possess at the age of 18. You are such a strong person. I admire you for being able to deal with something so hard, so well. I can see how much you love your mother and want her to get better. I pray that she does. If you ever need anyone to listen or just sit with you, please let me know. I'd be more than happy to lend a shoulder. :)
Thank you Dr. Jerz, Neha, and again Chris. It's really comforting to know I have people around me who, although I haven't known very long, care about my situation. Just know that I'm here for you as well. I know everybody has burdens to shoulder and if anybody can relate or understand it's me. I've been through a lot of crazy stuff at the ripe old age of 18...a lot of things many people probably never have to experience in their entire lives. Anytime you ever need anything, I'm here.
I'm going to agree with everything Chris and Dr. Jerz have said. I can understand your pain - while my parents aren't divorced, or even separated, they've been through many years of rough times, and I think my Dad completely forgot that he had two kids who had to listen to him thunder, night after night. As such, I'm much more closer to my Mother now, but my relationship with my Father is slowly deteriorating.
What I have learnt through all of my life is that most people are basically nice, and some of them honestly care. Chris is right - I hope you don't feel like you're ever alone. You have plenty of people around you who are willing to lend an ear or a shoulder - whatever it is that you need.
I can see an equal need here to express your pain and also your love for your mother. I hope she sees both sides of your letter, too.
Chris, thank you so much. I know this letter comes across as odd to most people since they don't know the story. I'll just say my mother was my best friend. People used to envy the relationship my mother and I had. When she started dating this guy(who is practically living at the house after 6 months), she completely forgot about me. That was a HUGE shock. I was messed up over it for a long time.I really just spit that letter out, there's not much style to it, just rambles, but I think it'll get my point across. Thanks again for being there, you're a sweetheart.
Stormy, I don't claim to know a whole lot about divorce in general, let alone the effects it has had on your life in particular... But I think you've shown some real courage here, and it sounds like you did the same in the past, too.
It seems like you've had a lot on your mind, and dumping it all out in words like this is definitely a reasonable way of working with it. It's blatantly obvious just how much you care about your mom and the rest of your family.
If you've ever got something that you need to get off of your chest, though, you don't have to shoulder it alone so much. Don't hesitate to ask someone for help, even if that means just listening to your words, or if you don't know them too well; there are plenty of us out here who love to listen and are concerned about everyone, close friend or not.