January 22, 2004

For a sun dress

Without a coat.
Kiss my skin, shiny friend.

Float around my knees,
and let the seams disappear.

Smile on my open back.
The white there.

And I will be red,
Once more.

Ouch.

Posted by Amanda Cochran at January 22, 2004 6:15 PM
Comments

I like the intimacy of the opening images. Never having worn a sundress, I enjoyed your epxression of what it feels like to wear one. I thought the "white" reference was hint enough that sunburn was coming -- but maybe that's because I know you are fair-skinned. I think that putting "red" twice in the second-to-last stanza reduces the impact of "Ouch." I enjoyed this on a cold winter day.

Posted by: Dennis G. Jerz at January 23, 2004 8:28 AM

Thanks for the imput of the red. I will rethink the last stanza, be prepared for changes.

Posted by: Amanda at January 23, 2004 9:03 AM

And yeah, I am so pasty that I could use white-out for makeup.

Posted by: Amanda at January 23, 2004 9:43 AM

Note the power of rhetoric. I didn't say "pasty". I said "fair-skinned." :)

What if you worked off of "kissed" to develop the intimacy a little more, leading to "blush," which is a step in the direction of sunburn red, but not so obvious... I think you'd need to get something in between "blush" and "ouch," because otherwise the jump would be too much.

Posted by: Dennis G. Jerz at January 23, 2004 11:49 AM

What a critique!

I was making a jab at myself with the pasty remark :-) and the poem needs a little work, but I did it in three minutes at work. I was talking with a friend about the cold and how much I hated it, how much I wanted to wear a sun dress again, and this little diddy is what sprang from that conversation. I had not thought about rewriting and developing it more, but I will keep your suggestions in mind, perhaps for an Eye Contact submission: The Tragedy of Too Much Sun Dressing.

Posted by: Amanda at January 23, 2004 2:46 PM

For a quickie, that was a very enjoyable poem. (Sorry if my comments contributed to your missing your honors class!)

Posted by: Dennis G. Jerz at January 23, 2004 3:09 PM

Then there is "What A Girl Wants" with Amanda Bynes, I think as good a romantic comedy as some
of the Kathryn Hepburn works... I like Amanda.

Posted by: Eric at August 8, 2004 9:49 PM
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