March 8, 2004

A river (or stream) of consciousness

I want to write something profound. Something that goes beyond the research papers and exercises I write for class. I want to write a novel, a novella, a poem, something to bring me back.

What am I missing? Have I lost a part of myself that I will never get back?

The blinking cursor mocks me with its blinkiness. There it goes again. Stop it.

Is this what drives writers crazy?

Do we write things of the everyday to assuage the battles that live within? Why am I such an actress? Why can't I just be one thing--not the schitzo? This isn't me, not the Happy Amanda everyone knows.

Scroll up to the top of the page....I have written enough. There, there it is. My blog entry. Another. I wonder what my last one will be. Probably something about squirrels, definitely squirrels.

Now I am turning into Rainman. Thanks Bennett for the dark inspiration.

Posted by Amanda Cochran at March 8, 2004 10:57 PM

Darkness surfacing on Amanda's blog?! I never thought I'd live to see the day. But we all have 'em. You'll find something to post about, I know it. I posted a poem for the first time. And it's a little dark... *sigh* oh well. Is this the cloud of darkness attacking our realm of blogs?! AHHHH! :-O

Posted by: Karissa at March 8, 2004 11:24 PM

I really wouldn't be surprised. Sometimes I think we just play a part to escape ourselves, from facing the "me" we know, the fugly person we see in the mirror at the end of the day.

We play these parts so well that we forget who the actor is without the pretty costume and makeup. Until it all hits us.

Posted by: Amanda at March 9, 2004 9:54 AM

This piece is a little dark for your style, in the line,"The blinking cursor mocks me with its blinkinesse," I could see good old Amanda fun breaking through.
"Why am I such an actress?" A wonderful sentence to pull apart. It shows confusion of self, while having the irony of a writer saying that she is an actress.
I would like to know how you were feeling when you wrote this. Was it a honest openning of your inner feelings and frustration, or were you trying to reproduce teen melodrama? Either one would not take away from the feeling of the piece, only add more clairity of which way it is going.
I seem to be writing a lot more creative pieces, I hope this doesn't interfer with your journalism.(insert devilish grin)

PS-If there are any "e"'s in wierd places, it's because I am fighting against a broken "e" key. It likes to devishly place "e"s whenever and whereever it wants. AH, I've got one on my forehead!

Posted by: Puff at March 10, 2004 12:19 PM

Though I am a teen and prone to melodrama, I don't think this is one of those moments. This entry is something I would write in my personal journals, and I can't remember why I posted it. I think I meant to delete it all.

This is the side I don't let people see. The frustration, hurt, whatever, that is going on in my life, are not good conversation pieces, at least not for me--I end up sounding whiny instead of wounded. I don't even like facing them.

My thoughts are here one minute and gone the next, but the effects of those thoughts stay with me. So I walk around fragmented.

All my life I have wished for that "odd" life. Living the way I want. The apartment with the Bohemian decorations on the walls. The kitchen with fourteen types of tea and hot chocolate with the little marshmellows. The bathroom with my expensive shampoo. To sing at the top of my lungs in my own shower.

And then the little life with the the little someone to come home to, who loves me just as I am, but still challenges me to be more.

As much as I love my family, I need to find that little life with the crazy kitchen and bathroom. That someone. But not right now.

But something stops me...What is it? Ambition? Fear? Probably a little of both.

Daily I try to keep all of these passions in check. That is the actress in me. I am just apprehensive about the morning I forget to turn down to simmer and the pressure cooker explodes. A day I am frightened of and so ready to face.

I just want to get out and live.

Posted by: Amanda at March 10, 2004 5:40 PM

Geez amanda, that was like a Blog inside a Blog. I call that the "30s Syndrome." I want it so bad when I am depressed. To go to sleep and awaken in a happy time of my own, with kids and a wife. Or if you don't like kids, just with a wife (or Husband). It's healthy to want that sometimes, just don't dwell, which is something I never see you do anyhow. Tah Tah (smiles)

Posted by: Puff at March 10, 2004 10:32 PM

Definitely not dwelling, but it does come up every now and then, especially when I see my high school classmates getting married or having kids. And they are. Scary.

I wonder what I would be like if I lived in another time...would I be married now? Kids? Sometimes I look at children and can't believe that I could have one.

I can't even make Chef Boyardee without burning it...I shouldn't be thinking these things. :D

Very 30's syndrome. Thanks for pulling me back from 18 going on Bridget Jones, Puff. I needed that.

Posted by: Amanda at March 10, 2004 11:25 PM

18 going on Bridget Jones.

Amanda, you're really the only person I know that can relate almost anything to a movie.

Posted by: Karissa at March 12, 2004 10:22 PM

I consider it a great gift.

Posted by: Amanda at March 15, 2004 7:44 PM

Puff... 30s syndrome?

Enjoy your youth while you've got it! Stay up all night, reading a book or having a conversation about politics or philosophy or love. Look at a globe and imagine where you want to go. Join a club and try something new. Juggle. Dance. Sing a capella.

I'm actually very happy to be at SHU, but it's still possible to have down days (or weeks, or months) even when you're in your 30s with a wife and kids.

Posted by: Dennis G. Jerz at March 15, 2004 11:07 PM
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