May 28, 2004

An Untitled Summer Poem
*you may recommend titles*

Though I feel like I am blogging out into nothingness. (Where has everyone gone?) I think a little summer poetry might do the trick to bring back silent readers. I would love to hear your feedback.

Leaping from that high ledge
waiting for our screams to hush in the bubbly fabric.
Oh! To breathe again.

Shore-sitting eating our peaches,
Sweet juice sluicing down our faces.
Sinking into summer's reaches.
Stretching into tiny places.

The lazy dreamers tap the porchlight
Others sit in warm silence--glowing.
Feeling their way through the dark.
"There you are." Finding, knowing.

Bleached whites blot out a golden stain
Atop the hill, we watch:
the green carpet sways
in soft strokes.

Sweetened melodies we cannot recognize.
A piece to simply harmonize.

Posted by Amanda Cochran at May 28, 2004 11:44 PM

May I suggest "Glow" or "Glowing"? They seem to fit, in my opinion.

Here's my criticism:
-Is it fair to call water "bubbly fabric"? I mean, it is fluid, so it can't be sold as a real fabric...
-Is "sluicing" what you meant? I know it is usually used along with logging, sediment mining, and fruit washing (you know I know about that!), but is that what you meant for the juice on your face? Sounds like a lot of juice!
-You rhyme half the time, and then I expect it, but then you don't. That bugs me. Just thought I'd get that out there.

I really, really like the images you paint, Amanda. My favorite phrases are "Oh! To breathe again!" and "'There you are.' Finding, knowing." Wonderful feelings generated from those images. :^D

Posted by: Karissa at May 29, 2004 6:33 PM

The fabric image was to make one think of each ripple in the water, seams that bring the water's fabric together. I guess it is liquid, but this is poetry, right? Can't you suspend that imagination of yours? :-) Maybe I didn't convey it well.

I like the word "sluicing"; it looked really cool beside juice. However, I also looked up the word and one of its definitions was about a flow. Maybe too much? Probably. :-D

And as for the rhyming, I like to keep readers on their toes. Sorry it bugs you. I do not like poetry that rhymes all the time. In most poetry I have digested, I find that poetry that always rhymes keeps one pushing toward the end of the line, just to see what the next word one can find to rhyme with purple. Murple? hehe

Thanks for the critique, Karissa. Always nice to have someone checking up on you. Thanks for caring about my summer's ramblings.

Posted by: Amanda at May 29, 2004 8:44 PM

Great poem. I agree that "fabric" didn't work...took me too long to piece it together.

Posted by: Mike Arnzen at May 30, 2004 3:27 AM

Sure thing, Amanda. I'm always happy to look at your blog :^) Suspend -my- imagination?! Well, they haven't found a way yet, have they... hehe

Posted by: Karissa at May 30, 2004 6:21 PM

I agree about the fabric, but I thought "sluiced" was great. Yes, it's probably an exaggeration... but that's OK.

After all that sluicing fruit juice, I think "sweetened melodies" is a bit much. The lazy porch scene already made me think of coming down off of a sugar rush.

You mention sounds in the first and last stanzas, but other senses predominate in between. I think that makes the musical ending a bit... forced? Well, that word is too strong, but it'll do.

Posted by: Dennis G. Jerz at May 30, 2004 6:39 PM

And as for the title... can you work "sluiced" into it somehow? ;)

Posted by: Dennis G. Jerz at May 30, 2004 6:40 PM

"Sluiced Summer," by Amanda Cochran.

It'll be in one of those anthologies they use in the classroom someday.

Posted by: Karissa at May 30, 2004 9:22 PM

I thank you all for the critiques. I guess I have demonstrated why I plan on being a journalist.

Speaking of which, while school is out, I watch and read the news more than ever. I like it. I really do. Especially because I don't have to write a critique of the broadcasts *due tomorrow*. Amazing. FYI: This entire school year, I questioned my major, but now that I am really going back to "just journalism", I have rediscovered why I like the field so much. Who said summer wasn't educational?

Posted by: Amanda at June 1, 2004 1:17 AM

I did!

Mwhaha... ;^D

We share the same liver!

Posted by: Karissa at June 2, 2004 10:48 PM
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