August 10, 2005

I'll let you into my head for a minute...

The days of summer are winding down, and my apetite for reading has been piqued once again.

1984
is officially finished and I just reached for Crime and Punishment.

But, I'm officially bored. Now all I have to worry about is my financial aid, books, and blah blah blah that accompanies every new year of college. It is all just enough to make me uneasy, but not enough to make me want to do anything about it during this first week in August.

In a small way, I haven't left the paranoia of the school year this summer; it has all been transferred to other things that I usually let go, waiting at the edge of my consciousness until it drives me crazy and I have to address the issue.

What are these issues? They're the things I let slip while encumbered by college fun: professional image, adult responsiblility, insurance of every kind and a general sense of the big future.

But I've been smacked in the face with all of that these past four months, and I liked most of it, but I am missing the fun of being a college kid, too.

It's strange. I just finished an article about people my age, and I was referring to them as "youth". Sheesh! Have I turned 50? I know; it's all part of the job. :)

I really have found my calling, but I'm not ready for the Big Amanda Life yet.

And so--the tweener life goes on. Not yet this, not yet that. No definitions, just occupations.

It'll pay off, though; I'm paying my dues. I hope I'm not just comforting myself with that line, and that it does happen.

Is there actually a medium between enjoying your life for the moment and seeing the big picture? Because I always seem to be looking through the wrong lens at the wrong time. It's something I'm working on.

And with those lines of insecurity, I finish my blog for this evening. Nothing really to write about except the weather and things that will remain unwritten. I shouldn't blog when I'm moody.

Posted by Amanda Cochran at August 10, 2005 8:47 PM | TrackBack
Comments

I love "Crime and Punishment". Dostoevsky's portrayal of madness was eerily familiar and wonderfully executed.

Oh, and as for your mood... I feel I may have played some role, and I apologize if I did. It will all get better soon, I promise.

Posted by: ChrisU at August 11, 2005 3:06 AM
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