April 30, 2007

Starting over

My screensaver is set to rotate my pictures from the last four years. Today, I received my first e-mail from my first friend at NYU and several IM messages from a SHU friend of four years who was trying to insure that we would remain friends beyond graduation. The past and future fought today in my corner of cyberspace, and I starting thinking.

I can't really say what these next few months hold for any of us. I don't have an apartment/dorm in New York yet. Karissa is moving away. My friends are scattering to the four winds.

And my mind turns to the hackneyed sayings/songs of transition: "When God closes one door, somewhere He opens a window...," "I'm a survivor, I'm gonna make it," "Buildings with a hundred floors, swingin' round revolving doors, maybe I don't know where they'll take me...Break Awaaaaaay....."

The way I see it, there are two ways to look at every transition. First, as an insurmountable obstacle that has no over, under or beyond. Second, as a challenge.

The past few months, I've spent largely alone. I've decided that February is the worst month of the year, with March as a close second. I don't like to wallow in self-pity, but there it is. My challenges somehow became insurmountable in my mind. Dreams became wispy memories and reality, a constant threat. But now, I'm remembering who I am and what I'm capable of being and doing. I'm not lost; I'm just waiting and resting for my next go.

And what I've gotten screwed up in my mind for so long is that my next go is now. Insurmountable is being replaced by action and planning. Though these months "off" have been part of my growth, I have realized that I am not one to let alone. I waste away without a deadline, a planner. And I guess that translates to "I'm a goal-oriented individual" on a resume.

Then the personal side is assaulted, but I'm looking at it differently these days. I haven't seen my Seton Hill pals as much as I would like, but I think this is preparing me for the much longer separations that are sure to come. They are still, and always will be, a part of my life, but in a different way.

Challenges await. And I'm not afraid now, because I know I'm going to surmount them, not the other way around. Maybe I'll give God the credit or the Vitamin D of the wayward sun, but something has changed.

We're all about to start over again, to grow some more. It's spring; May, June, July and August are my favorite months of the year. I can't think of a better time to start another season of my life than in this moment and in the embrace of so many people I love. We're going to make it; I'm going to make it.

And, if nothing else, there's an impetus for this change and our imminent success: student loans.

Posted by Amanda Cochran at April 30, 2007 11:02 PM | TrackBack
Comments

No worries, my dear. We'll keep in touch. And anyway--Harrisburg is like half of the train ride to NY, right? ;) I could fly there, too. (I see fun little weekends in our future... not mentioning that I'm still hoping for a beach trip sometime this summer...)

I understand that feeling of needing a planner. When I took that one semester off sophomore year I was stranded at home while you all were busy and it was a very strange feeling. Felt like summer vacation without the perks of sunshine...

Anyway, the perspective I have on the latest things that have been thrown my way is this: it wouldn't have happened if it wasn't supposed to. That's kind of a different twist on "everything happens for a reason" and "when God closes a door He opens a window." (Both of which I heard a great deal around mid-February when I knew my post-gradation plans didn't include more school...)

You're resourceful. :) I'm glad to hear that you're keeping your head up, but don't let it become the challenge between you and your future. I hope you'll look at things like you always have with your eyes open, pen in hand.

Posted by: Karissa at May 1, 2007 7:36 AM

Amanda look in the email Grandma

Posted by: grammy at May 1, 2007 5:52 PM

Got the message, Grandma. :-)

Posted by: Amanda at May 1, 2007 6:28 PM

Hang in there Amanda! You'll make it!

I know that we are all scattering, but that's the fun part of life. Look at the upside! You are going to have TONS of fun places to visit when you get a chance. Karissa in Harrisburg, Athena in the south, and me somewhere in between (really where ever I can find a job)! You'll see...all will be well!

Posted by: Tiffany at May 2, 2007 8:39 AM
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