August 21, 2007

Leaving home

Garrison Keilor never told me in Leaving Home that everything would turn sacred.

My Coppula hoagie is savored a little longer. The wrinkle on my Grandma's face is memorized. The chipped sink in the bathroom slathered with blue toothpaste immortalized by a blog description.

I like to go through times like these because life suddenly stops and change, as uncomfortable and painful as it can be, shakes things up.

My life has certainly been shaken--and stirred.

The look of my bedroom is a testament to that: tomato boxes, Avon boxes, egg boxes, filled with most of my worldly goods litter the perimeter. Baby cacti stand at attention, waiting for transport. Beloved films and books that I think I don't necessarily need, spines out, stare forlornly at me on their shelves.

I am poised for movement. I am packed. I am ready to go.

But there are a few loose ends. Aren't there always?

These loose ends are mostly self-indulgence. Secretly I can't imagine this world without me. I have to laugh at that, but I've been a part of this maelstrom of family for my entire life. I'm suddenly going to be unattached, starting over.

I like the idea and am liberated by it, but am scared too by the enormity of this idea being realized. I take minimal credit. So many people have funded, pushed and advocated for me to see these things--once just passing thoughts--come to fruition.

And now, more ideas are popping into my head, and I'm finally believing that they can happen if fostered and cherished like this one. There's just something about setting goals and truly believing in them that somehow counts.

I always was confused by sermons that talk about faith and belief and trust and love and hope; but the truth is, they're all connected. In fact, they are so similiar that I think writers got fancy with many names just to point out the various shades of one great feeling that has no name.

That's what I'm feeling right now: sighing and singing, mourning and dancing, leaving and taking. It's a nor'easter of everything good and sad.

Posted by Amanda Cochran at August 21, 2007 2:59 PM | TrackBack

Amanda I am so happy that you are having these feelings, it is natural and it shows how you feel, loved and loving. Leave me know when you are settled.

Posted by: grammy at August 21, 2007 6:15 PM

Amanda, because I saw your shining freshman face on my first day teaching at SHU, it's hard for me to think of SHU without you -- and so many others in your class who have likewise graduated. But I have to let go of the comfort of feeling that I knew your class, and I've got to move on to getting to know the next class. That's what growth is all about.

You'll do fine.

Posted by: Dennis G. Jerz at August 21, 2007 10:12 PM
Post a comment

Remember personal info?