February 6, 2004

Alien

hello all,
basically one of the things I need feedback on is introducing the characters and the conflict, this would help me get started, thanks! If there's anything else feel free to comment on anything in a constructive manner!

>The star twinkled in the distant black sky. A beam of light strieked
>through the dark. BOOM! Thunder followed. CRASHED! Flash of light.
>
>Elian was jerkily awoken by the sudden halt of the car. With bewildering eyes, he scanned the car. His mother, a little flustered, looked straight ahead, both her hands gripped the steering wheel.
>
>"Sorry about that. What's the matter Hun?"
>
>"Oh, nothing," Elian recited, as he bit his lips. He started fiddling with
>his necklace. He found it futile to explain this recurring dream to his
>mother.
>
>"Are you excited that you're going to your new school?"
>
>Irritated, Elian mumbled, "No!"
>
>"Cheer up, it would be fun, it's like a whole new universe to explore,
>besides you'll meet new people and make new friends."
>
>He shrugged. "Whatever!" He turned his head, a vista of green meshed into
>straight lines.
>
>His mother braked around the curve near entrance X of the school.
>
>"I'll see you later!" his mother bouyantly shouted at him as he disappeared
>into a throng of grays and plaits.

Posted by Michael Diezmos at February 6, 2004 1:57 PM
Comments

Mike, it sounds good so far! The only things I'd like to bring up are these:
"jerkily awoken" is a little awkward to me. And when Elian mumbles "no" should you use an exclamation point?

I really like the way you began the story with Elian's dream. Maybe put that whole part in italics so we know it's a dream, though :^)

Posted by: Karissa at February 7, 2004 1:24 PM

I like the start, and I do agree with Karissa. Watch the way your words are being expressed. Sometimes italicizing is a good idea, and other times it is overkill. Watch out for that :-)

Sometimes just saying a line of dialogue helps in making it real. I have read dozens of books that have a great plot, and the dialogue doesn't cut it. The most direct wavelength between the reader and your characters is through dialogue.

I love what I see here with dialogue, but don't skip out on the descriptions. They set the reader in the scene, a vital element in the intro. You could say a little about the neighborhood, or the mother's hair color or facial expressions.

I know this is a first draft and a one-page thing and your efforts are great. I can't wait for you to post more. Give me a hint: What is his recurring dream? I hate starting a movie, er...a story and then not finishing it. Great work. Keep on truckin'

Posted by: Amanda at February 7, 2004 4:58 PM

I agree with everyone else, I think this sounds great so far. One thing that always helps me with characterization is adding more descriptions of the characters. It helps to make it much more real. For example, what do they look like? How old are they? Is his mom listening to the radio in the car? Is she dressed for work, or still in pajamas? Just some stuff to think about. Keep up the good work!

Posted by: Johanna at February 9, 2004 2:25 PM
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