Press Butt

After washing my hands in the Men's Room in Lynch I went to blow dry my hands, and it was then that I followed the instructions: Push Butt And Rub Hands Vigorously. Originally that iron sign bolted to the side of the dryer said "Push Button," but some resident Carrot Top decided it would be hilarious to scratch out those vital ending two letters. Perhaps this was funny when the hand dryer was first invented back in the early 1900's, but nowadays it's like a cream pie in a slapstick comedy... old and sticky.

Everywhere I go I find that those two letters have been scratched out of the hand dryer's vocabulary. And while most people are used to it, because really those things don't need instructions, I'm sure there are a few out there affected by this act of vandalism.

First is the guy who has never seen this joke before. He's just finished going to the bathroom, and is currently washing his hands. He turns to the hand dryer, giving his hands a brief snap to get the excess water off, and then notices the instruction panel. "Push ButtXX and Rub Hands Vigorously." The instructions sit in his head a moment, and suddenly they are e-mailed over to his humor nodes, where he instantly understands what's going on. Push butt. Hilarious! The guy snaps into an uncontrollable fit of laughter, shaking his head and slapping his knee with his moist hand. Other men in the bathroom look at him, puzzled, and then just walk out, avoiding washing their hands because they don't want to get near this hysterical braggart. By the time the man's done laughing, his hands are dry, and he leaves the bathroom prepared to tell the world the hilarious joke he found in the bathroom. The joke, however, is on him.

But as awkward as that would be to witness, I would stray even further away from the guy who DOESN'T know how to operate one of those machines. I could just imagine exiting a stall and seeing some elderly man leaning close to the dryer, holding his reading glasses, to see how to operate this modern machine. "Press Butt?" he's thinking to himself. Alright. And so the man presses his butt and waits for his hands to start drying. Of course nothing happens... until the man releases a little hot air of his own.

My gift to the future, just so we can avoid problems and issues like these, would be to start a hand dryer company that comes with this message pre-vandalized. Even better, in clear, bold letters the iron plate would say it outright: Press Butt and Rub Hands Vigorously. Just to avoid confusion, and save the comedians from taking the time to scratch out two letters.

Knowing my luck, then they will just start scratching out everything, leaving only "Butt Hands rously." Oh let the jokes begin.