i'm just a literary tease, my reputation's on its knees.

The Ultimate Chain Letter

October 20, 2004

My dear friend Ricky just sent me this email. I'm pretty sure Ricky wrote it; I'll let you know for sure when he writes back to me. I love Ricky. You should, too.


I want to thank all of you who have taken the time and trouble to send me your thoughtful chain letters over the past few years. Thank you for making me feel safe, secure, blessed, and wealthy. Because of your concern... I no longer can drink Coca-Cola because it can remove toilet stains. I no longer drink Pepsi or Dr Pepper since the people who make these products are atheists who refuse to put "Under God" on their cans. I no longer drink anything out of a can because I will get sick from the rat feces and urine.

I no longer use Saran wrap in the microwave because it causes cancer. I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because I Could get pricked with a needle infected with AIDS. I no longer use cancer causing deodorants even! though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day. I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me. I no longer receive packages from UPS or FedEx since they are actually Al Quaida in disguise.

I no longer shop at Target since they are French and don't support our American troops. I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a stupid number for which I will get the phone bill with calls to Jamaica, Uganda, Singapore, and Uzbekistan. I no longer eat pre-packaged foods because the estrogens they contain will turn me gay.

I no longer eat KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers. I no longer date the opposite sex because they will take my kidneys and leave me taking a nap in a bathtub full of ice. I no longer have any sneakers -- but that will change once I receive my free replacement pair from Nike.

I no longer buy expensive cookies from Neiman Marcus since I now have their recipe. I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking out for me. I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl who is about to die in the hospital (for the 1,387,258th time).
I no longer have any money at all, but that will change once I receive the $15,000 that Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special e-mail program.

Yes, I want to thank all of you soooooooo much for looking out for me! I will now return the favor. If you don't send this e-mail to at least 1200 people in the next 60 seconds, a large bird with diarrhea will poop on your head at 5:00 PM this afternoon and the fleas of a thousand camels will infest your armpits. I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of a friend of a friend.

So...Please hurry!!!

Your Grateful Friend...

Moira at 12:56 AM :: Comments (1) :: ::

Hahaha. I love it! I can't stand chain e-mails and understand your friend's frustration. They are all a joke- nothing bad can come from a piece of electronic text. Or can it.....haha.

Posted by: Vanessa at October 21, 2004 01:08 PM
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