i'm just a literary tease, my reputation's on its knees.

Death to Alarm Clocks

August 11, 2005

There are some people who are morning people. There
are others who are, quite decidedly not morning
people. Then there are those, like me, who are
dangerous morning people. Oh, we're awake
alright. But while we lie there contemplating the new
dawn, we are also contemplating your demise, for about
five minutes, then we arise, ready to greet the day,
all anger released in five minutes of pure evil.

This morning, I awoke, way way too early, in my best
friend's home in Pittsburgh. According to Terry's
Computer Standard Time, it is 6:32 a.m. There is no
humanly reason for me, an unemployed bum, er writer,
to be awake at the, pardon my colloquial American,
asscrack of dawn.

In addition to being morning people, non-morning
people, and dangerous morning people, most
people fall into one of three catergories when it
comes to alarm clock usage:

Some people never use an alarm clock, instead bounding
out of bed in the morning, gleeful at the prospect of
yet another sunrise. These people are freaks.

Others, like myself, use an alarm grudgingly - only
when necessary and always with great disdain. When
the alarm goes off in the morning, it's usually the
first bout of those drasted mind-churning beeps that
rouses me into an angered stupor. I usually hit
snooze, but after nine minutes of steaming and
stewing, I am ready to shed my anger at not frolicking
in dreamland any longer to rise, like the phoenix,
brand new. After an hour or two, I am less delusional
and feel like a human being again.

And then there are those most despicable of alarm
clock users: the snooze button fanatic.

This use of alarm clocks would not be so deplorable if
done only by those poor souls living alone in their
annoyances, but no! Most snooze button fanatics are
by day people people and, in turn, night people people
as well, ensuring that their misguided alarm clock
usage destroys the lives, well sleep patterns, of
those misfortunate enough to be nearby.

For a person who wakes up in an enraged stupor at the
incessant beeping of that blasted alarm clock, the
snooze - silence - ANGER pattern is enough to drive
one temporarily insane. One lies in bed, wide awake
after the first few bouts of beeping, silently willing
the alarm clock to shut up, for the love of all things
holy, shut up. Then, one contemplates standing up and
tossing the blessed thing out the window, then curling
back up under the covers.

The only thing that stopped me from committing alarm
clock genocide this morning was knowing the inevitable
chaos that would then ensue. Picture it if you will:
I stand up, hair sticking up in many directions,
clumps stuck to the side of my face, check reddened
from sleep. I stumble across the room to the evil
appliance in question. I pick up the alarm clock and
toss. I crawl back into bed. Before I can close my
eyes and fall asleep, I hear a voice, "um... Moira?
did you just...?" All chances of sleep are dashed.

Your alarm clock makes me want to die.

But maybe it's just me...

Moira at 06:33 AM :: Comments (0) :: ::
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