i'm just a literary tease, my reputation's on its knees.

Christopher Walken Eats Babies

March 12, 2008

(x-posted from Literary Tease)

For many years, I've known that Christopher Walken was, in fact, a very advanced robot. He'd come from the future, in the age that came after the Death of Cinema (which came very shortly after The Fucken Apolocaylpse, ala Walmart Charges $100 for a Pack of Gum, circa 2012). But I didn't know why.

The Online Christopher Walken Fan Club claims that Christopher Walken admitted to being an alien: "Being raised in showbusiness, Walken often says he is from another planet. When we met him, he seemed like an Earthling as far as we could tell." A highly-evolved humanoid robot is more like it.

I knew it was bullshit. He was definitely a robot, and having people think he was an alien was a great cover. I knew something was fishy about the whole deal.

Now, I've figured it out. His mission, set forth unto by He That Remembered the Seeds in the Middle of Antartica, was to save the world. And how does one save the world but... that's right! Eating Babies!

Thank the Higher Powers that Christopher Walken is on this earth eating babies. Someone has got to eat the babies, and he is just the man* to start the movement because everyone knows he's creepy as hell, being the Angel of Death and all. (Actually, despite what the previous post might lead you to believe, Christopher Walken is -not- the Angel of Death. People just think it's clever to say that he is the Angel of Death, but it's not, since *he's a baby-munching robot from the future.)

Christopher Walken is creepy, but he's also one Bad Ass Mother. If anyone's got the sway to make the plebeians of the world eat all the babies they should, it's a Bad Ass Mother. If a BAMmy like Christopher Walken starts walking into restaurants, getting that VIP treatment, and ordering babies, the world will take notice, and you can bet your sweet ass that someone in that restaurant will bring the man the baby he wants, cooked however the hell he wants it.

("Medium-rare, side of bacon. Mashed potatoes, the red ones, with gravy, lots of it." - Arlene Mercutio, head waitress, Ruby Tuesday)

Soon, all the restaurants in town will be serving baby and the world's overpopulation problems will decline rapidly as lesser stars like Britney Spears and Michael Jackson (separate tables) start ordering the Christopher Walken Baby Specials that will be popping up in big cities across the States. It's only natural that the plebeians will see the tabloid pictures and copy the behavior. We really should thank Christopher Walken for his contribution to the human race.

I'll start the rousing cheer: "Thanks, Mr. Walken, sir, please don't eat my cats." (The cats are special to me. Babies? Not so much.)

Moira at 10:37 PM :: Comments (1) :: ::

Words fail me, Moira. Someone has to expose the truth about Walken, and I guess you're the blogger to do it.

Posted by: Dennis G. Jerz at March 13, 2008 3:12 PM
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